sending heart healing to "M"

Sending warm, healing thoughts to my sisters on the forum. Especially "M" - your loss is in my heart.

Grateful for acting lessons

I'm getting ready to spend the weekend through Christmas with my favorite brother and his family.  :) They are one of the few people that I enjoy spending time with and their kids are the dearest kids in my life.  I love them so much.

I have shared with my bro and SIL the pain in this stupid journey. But I find it hard to be fully present, because I don't want to hurt their feelings by sounding pessimistic all the time. I don't want to hurt them by continuing to talk about how all-encompassing this IF is in my life. I wish I had something else to talk about - but it bleeds into everything in my world. And I know that it must get old to hear someone babble on about what doesn't work out in their life.

I lost my job, so my 'go to' conversation is gone. I've been looking for a new job, and have had a few interviews, but I feel like the biggest idiot because I haven't been offered a position.  I spend hours each week looking for a new role. I even started volunteering with a friend to do some social media outreach for local businesses which has been fun. I get alerts from my IF forum and so I spend time following up and checking in with my friends there.  But when I see my bro/SIL, I get really scared that I'm going to just bawl uncontrollably because I can't stop the thoughts from running my mind. I think about how well my recent interview went. I think about a recent role, which requires monthly travel -  I wonder what went wrong in the interview or if it is some universal plan that is keeping me from a great job because it knows that I want to get pregnant - and to do that will take me away from work often to get ultra sounds, injections and procedures. I realize that if we aren't pregnant right now, I'll have to go through another few IUIs and then start the process for DE IVF.  That is supposed to make me feel better - that I have a plan in place.

I feel like my poor husband is taking the brunt of all our responsibilities. That's hard for me to give these up. I don't know what to do to better support him. I am trying to get a job, but that isn't going well. I try to have a better attitude, but I get so tired and find myself cranky on the hormones. When we are together it's nice to snuggle and feel protected. But the fact is, he needs help.  I feel so out of control.   I see families at the park, on TV, online, I have a huge family and they all have families of their own. I can't help but feel sorry for myself and angry at this stupid F'ing disease.  I can't imagine what I did to deserve this - I can't believe that anyone does anything to deserve this. I know I'm just not lucky. But knowing that doesn't make me feel any better.

I'll wrap up by saying I am going to try not to be myself this weekend. I need to be someone who isn't so affected by this hell. I  need to be someone who can act like she is enjoying the holidays. I need to be someone that my hubby, brother, SIL and kids will want to have around.

I don't know how I'll do - but I'm going to give it a shot. I have to change who I am to make this trip enjoyable.  I'm really scared that I'm going to bring everyone down - wish me luck!

So what am I grateful for?  Having gone to acting lessons - to act 'ok' when my world is falling apart.

Grateful for the strength from others

I fell apart today. 

I know the holidays are around the corner. IF has robbed me of my confidence.  I lost my job earlier this year. I gained 15 lbs in about a month.  I can't handle being with family or friends, especially those with children. 

I lost one of my oldest friends - she has 2 kids and once mentioned that a co-worker had a DE and DS IVF and my friend couldn't believe that someone would do that.  I could only reply by saying that when you are stuck with IF, you do what you can afford to become parent. No matter what.  I haven't scheduled a play date with her since.  I'm bitter. She doesn't understand - and really, why should she? It's not fun or glamorous to live with this pain.   I have replaced my years of love and friendship with such judgement and anger. I don't like this part of me. 

I can't truly open up to the few family & friends who tolerate me.   Instead, I beat myself up inside. I am clinging onto the hope that the 'plan' my DH are progressing on will allow us to reach our goal. There are no guarantees. 

I'm lucky to have the most supportive husband in the world. He hasn't left me, in fact he reminds me how lucky he feels to be in this life with me, all the time.  I have held it together for some time. I used to break apart on a bi-weekly basis. I'm on progesterone, so maybe that's aiding and abating my emotional outburst.

I participate in an online forum, it gives me some hope and inspiration.  I'm grateful for the relationships I have there. The ladies today posted about the desire to feel normal. To feel confidence to simply go out with the girls for a cocktail to celebrate the holidays.  I can't do that without lying about why I'm no longer drinking wine. About why I've changed my diet. About why I don't ask about their kids. About why I don't really have anything to add to the conversation. This year has been a more that difficult.  I struggle daily with IF, I lost my job, I did several failed cycles of expensive IUIs, I added a ton of weight and that makes me feel horrible.  REs have suggested I go straight to DE IVF.  That's even more expensive. These online women have kep my head above water.  Even though our conversations are short and only online and I have no idea who any of them really are, I trust them to share my daily rants. To ask my silly questions. To gain strength from their confidence.  

I'm grateful for the strength of others.

Grateful for your pangs

I spent the week with you on my mind
Each pinch, each ache, each pang
from gas?
from you?
Were you implanting in my womb?

I heard your news today
I am relieved your worry is put to
rest
Your life moves on
You can move forward
The next chapter is about
to begin

I continue to count the days
my sides remind me I am no
closer to fine
I take in my hope each
morning and night

I hold a candle that I
will not be disappointed
I hold you in my heart today
I will not
let you go

each day will pass
you are always
on my
mind
in my
thoughts
a part of me

I feel whole
when I
imagine us together

I keep a light on for you
in my heart
in my soul
you are a part of us
already

Grateful for you

Tomorrow is a big day for me.
Tomorrow I take another leap toward my dream.
Tomorrow is a big day for you.
Tomorrow you learn when your son will arrive.
I hope things will work out.

For both of us.

My head is heavy from the moments that led to this day.
Will we triumph?
Will we succeed?
Will we get our hearts desire?
I want our dreams to come true.
I yearn for a happy chapter in this life.
I look for a day when this is all behind us.

I wish
I could
be a better sister
for you now.

if only
we both
weren't struggling
at the same
time.

I wish
I could
share my

with you.

Grateful for knowing when to say: Goodbye

I've been feeling a lot more optimistic these last couple weeks!

I stayed away from my family over Thanksgiving.  Gave myself a chance to be free of awkward waves of emotion.  Freed myself from walking into an extended family setting sweating and praying that no one hurts my feelings. Dodging conversations between siblings who stand in front of me talking to each other but keep me from joining their circle.  YEAH!! I stayed away from the jerks that brought me up in this world!  I kinda feel like I'm finally growing up!  I fantasized about never, ever, ever seeing them again.  I have actually been obsessing a little about that -  about moving far away and changing my name and never mentioning them again. And it feels GOOD! 

Dear Husband and I have come to a decision about our next protocol. Two, maybe three more IUIs, make that aggressive IUIs with FSH shooting through my body for 6 days, maybe more and then a big ole HCG shot and then fingers crossed that some kind of miracle will occur. 

If it doesn't, then our journey moves on to getting third party help with genetics, Donor Eggs. I feel so lucky that I am alive when this option is viable and that I am actually able to consider it.

But it does come with fear,  a lot of fear.  I am practicing being strong in the face of this fear. I've written about my family before. I have a lot of sisters. I don't feel they have every accepted or liked me and really don't think of me unless they need me to do something. I guess, I just don't feel very.. related to them. So why then do I get so upset thinking about having a child that isn't my genetic match?  I'm not too keen on my own genetic sisters so why should I want my own child to share their genes? I guess, because they are my genes. They are my unique identifiers. They are all I have to pass on in this world. And it hurts to let that hope, idea, that right, go away. To release it into the world and simply hope for the best outcome. Hope that my sisters and their families won't push my family aside. Although, I'm sure they would even if the child was genetically mine.  I think no matter what I could do my sisters will not accept me or love me the way I imagine it could be, the way I wish it was.  They just don't have it in them to be the sisters I've always hoped to have. Sure they share and take care of each other, but I've never been a part of that equation and that has to be that.  I can feel  upset by it. I can feel hurt. But none of that is going to change their actions.   I have nothing to prove to them, especially via my child(ren).  When I become pregnant, however I become pregnant, it is going to be my own journey. I have to stop thinking of my life with them playing major characters. I only have to share my story with the people I choose.  That means I will cut out some family and some friends. I feel it already beginning now.  Those I choose not to be around, not to chat, text, visit with. I think I will let them fall behind and take care of the most important person right now. Me.  This will lead me to my future. 

I make a promise to myself that I will be supportive of my decisions.  I am doing the very best with the information I have uncovered. I am treating my body well, I could do better with my mind. I could do less with the family I was born into. I may think I need them now, but they have chosen so long ago that they don't want me. This isn't a time to 'bond' with sisters or friends who already have full lives. It's okay for me to honor my feelings and emotions and let them all go.

If I were to talk to my girl self, I would tell her that no good will come of looking up to our sisters because time after time they will fail to provide the support we long for.  Our greatest cause of sadness and depression will come from being constantly rejected from these women who we look up to. They are simply the wrong target for our affection.  The power we have within is mighty and strong and our energy would be much better spent treating our-self like the winner, like the kewl kid, like the person who has value and promise. Because, nobody else will ever to this for us. It is up to me and we alone to give our life importance and respect.  I really wish I could have pulled my 5 year old self aside and prepared her like this - could you imagine the joy and happiness I could have experienced by now? 

Maybe this is why I'm feeling better.  I am letting go. Letting the family I was born into fall away and this time I will not scramble to pull pieces together.  It's okay that I don't like my family, it's okay they don't like me. Many haven't done much to deserve my love, my adoration, or to be a part of my life. So as this year turns toward its end, I am saying goodbye. Goodbye to my sisters. I choose only  two brothers, and that suits me just fine!
 

Happy Thanksgiving

It's that time of year -  when we share our gratitude with the world.  Below is my top 10 list - what's yours?

I wish you all the warmest Thanksgiving holiday!!

Gratitude List - 2012
this year I give thanks for:

1. my husband - for his love, his strength in this time or sorrow, his hugs, humor, his cherry-tomato cheeks and for his lifelong companionship 
2. my dog - for her beautiful sleeping smiles, her calming breath, her acceptance, her sleep running, her ever forgiving embrace and the way she holds my hands with her paws
3. my parents - you have no idea that I am fighting this battle, above all else this is the hardest part of our relationship. I want more than anything to let you in and get your support but I know you have your own struggles and lives that don't need to be soured by my problems. I thank you for becoming DH and my friends. We value every minute we get to spend together, every meal we get to share, every flower we send each other. 
4. my family that are truly friends - for always sending a reply to my texts, always sharing your home with us, opening your arms and hearts to us even when we are too emotional to explain what's gone awry
5. my friends - who walk with me, talk with me, introduce me to new options, empower me to feel the strength in sharing my life and listen to my soul and remind me that I DO matter
6. my opinions - it's been a lot of years that I kept you quiet. I make an effort each day to now allow you to run wild. I owe you an apology for being so scared to be wrong.  You above all are a purpose driven emotion and in this stage of my life I respect you more than ever
7. my fears - we have had a chance to really get to know each other lately. Although we are not out of the woods yet, you have guided me, challenged me, taken over and moved aside. I look forward to a future where you no longer need to protect me and take such prevalence in my life
8. my crockpot - for giving me something new to learn, to get creative and to be nourished
9. my blog - for creating an outlet where I feel free to speak my mind, anonymously whether I am having a good day or bad. For teaching me that getting negative thoughts out of my head can be healing. For giving me a responsibility when I had lost all desire to get up in the morning.
10. my hope - that I will have more to be grateful for next year 

How do you choose your path?

How do you choose your path?



Surveying the Options

 

Well, went back to the new RE today - he reviewed my US findings. He's compassionate and soft in his recommendations - aggressive IUI, IVF w/ICSI or if desired DE IVF.  Leaving it up to us to decide what next step we want to take.

Odds per Option:

• 10% > IUI w/aggressive drug treatment
• 18% > IVF w/ICSI w/aggressive drug treatment
• 80% > DE IVF

Can you guess which is the most expensive?

Grateful that I had more than a year to digest these options and had a job so I can actually consider these options.  How do you even begin to consider the factors to make a decision?

Grateful for heartache

Came across this article the other day - just as I was thinking of giving up.

How to Let Your Purpose Find You - by Umair Haque

Well, maybe not giving up, but throwing in the towel. You see, I believe there is a difference. I will never give up hope that we can build a family. It's just that things have gotten to a point where the reality has sunk in that in order to create this family, I need to be ready for a hefty payment. On the one hand, I can should be feeling thankful that I may just be able to afford the payment. On the other hand, I can't help but wonder what could have come of the monies if we could just conceive on our own? 

I mean, isn't the typical or ideal situation that you save up a little "maybe baby nest egg"? You set aside some money to pay for all the doctor appointments that occur during pregnancy? A little aside to paint a room in your home to make a lovely nursery? A little something to buy the stretchy clothes that are sold in those special Maternity stores? Not to mention to buy the newborn diapers and clothes and pumps and bottles etc?  And where will the money come from when we DO conceive? We will still have to create a nursery, wear clothes and change diapers.  Ask anyone you know - I bet you won't find a single person tell you that they saved for a "possible infertility nest egg"!

"immerse yourself in stuff that makes you hurt, ache — that maybe even makes your heart break a little bit (or a lot). You're feeling the stirrings of empathy — and purpose, Big Love, needs Big Empathy like the river flows to the sea." Umair Haque

You see, I get to endure month after month filled with reminders that my body was attacked by this disease without any signs, symptoms or test results. It all happened out of chance. Or so says one of my doctors.  I have a disease that isn't covered by health insurance. I have a disease that many people think if I just 'relax' it will heal itself.  I have a disease that isn't acceptable to talk about.  Even when I do reach the other side, and start my family, it won't be acceptable to talk about this disease.  I have a disease that has no clear cure. I am asked to replace myself in order to heal.  And to me - that is heartache. This is the gut wrenching pain that Umair Haque writes about in his article. 

Umair writes about choosing to live in the heartbreak. About how taking the long road gives you experiences - including failures - which may just isolate what is most important in you. He writes about Living Little: taking time to notice moments, images, sound bites.  All those tiny pieces that add up to the whole picture of things. He believes that in the midst of heartache, pain, suffering, living off the gut; our purpose will find us.  And through this we will come to understand ourselves in a way that will make us feel just that little bit more together, more connected, more whole.

Well, here I am in the midst of the deepest pain and heartache I've encountered in all my life. I am Living Little with Big Love. I am stirring in empathy and saying "Hello" to purpose.

My needs vs. my wants

I can't believe it. my cycles are getting shorter. This is a cruel f'ing joke. I am reminded time and again that this isn't my fault. But how am I supposed to believe that when my body defies me each and every day?

On top of treatment I am spending a lot on trying to find mental peace with this disease. I'm not sure there is peace. I am not sure I can calm myself from this storm.  You don't know what it is like, you don't understand. And no, I don't want to hear how sorry you are or how you know this women who had a similar situation but she kept positive and that is why she got her family started more quickly than me.  Life sucks.

 I am being punished for something - perhaps for believing in morales that told me to be in love, married, financially and mentally prepared to bring a new life into this world.  I did just that, never cheated on my husband, he never did me. Never stole or cheated in our careers. I volunteered my time to help others. We both sought counseling via books and others to decrease the chaos of our upbringing and reach a place of stability and adulthood.  And so we began our turn to build a family. and now this. More than two years has gone by and I am only filled with more pain and anxiety that is likely messing up my cycle.  This isn't fair. This isn't right.  I don't want to associate with family or friends over the holidays. It is too painful.  They can't understand the dynamic of pain and anxiety we go through, daily.   I need a break.  I want a pregnancy.  I need to take care of my mental health.  I want to let go.  I need to be here for my husband.  I want us to steal away and never return to this life of suffering. I need to rest.  I have to live my life.

When...

• When do I get to post about something happy and exciting?
• When will I get to say, wow - what a great day today has been?
• When will I feel like I am awesome and finally have some positive mojo in my favor?
• How long will I have to keep "faking it until I make it" with the online friends who are now posting pictures of their second new babies?
• Will I ever tell any of my sisters how painful my life is because I don't have kids for their kids to play with?
• Will I ever feel comfortable with myself in a public place where kids are allowed?

I wish I could share my disease with everyone the way someone with Cancer, MS, or even a pregnancy gets to share it with the world around them. People often feel sympathy when they know someone is going through one of those experiences. But only a few people know what I'm going through and many of those that do know can only say, "oh it'll happen, just relax" like it's not a life altering diagnosis.  I likely won't die from my disease or give birth at the end of 9 months. I have a disease that no one wants to talk about. It makes people uncomfortable to discuss. Many respond as though it isn't a disease, like it's a temporary condition. Well, it's not. It is a disease and it will be a part of me for the rest of my life. I am now defined in part by this disease - just like a Cancer patient, a MS patient and those 9 months of a pregnancy not to mention the lifetime of parenthood afterward - only most of the people I know/meet for the rest of my life will never know how I struggle. This isn't a disease I can bring up as an example of how I overcame a personal challenge in a job interview, this isn't a disease that I can run a 5K to raise money for my own procedures. Hell, there's very few fundraisers that do much in helping to pay bills of those of us with IF. It's a disease that insurance companies call 'elective' to treat.

I can't imagine ever feeling okay about any of the above. 

I just switched doctors - the new doctor is hopeful that he may be able to help us get and stay pregnant, but like everyone else, he doesn't have a cure. I would like to say that I am hopeful. But who knows.  I am optimistic, maybe for my husband's sake.

I would like to have a normal day.

I am grateful that I have a blog to put my thoughts in the universe.

Suck it Modern Medicine

Suck on it. Suck. On. It.

I love that phrase. It expresses so well how I often feel about this health situation. It's a phrase I can use instead of saying, "I think you're a jerk and what you're saying hurts me." So "Suck on it."

I returned to the RE today for a baseline US. That came back with a new cyst on the left. Add that to the standing cyst on the right and the RE told me that she is not comfortable putting me on the meds for an IUI this cycle. But she said I could go through with a natural IUI. Then proceeded to tell us that my situation is so bad that she doesn't think I have a chance with IUI. Again she said only DE IVF is recommended if I want to carry through with a pregnancy. She said my ovarian reserve appears to be depleted.

Suck. On. It.

Somehow I am keeping this (apparently foolish) balloon of hope over my head. I may move on to DE at the end of the year, but I don't know if I'll ever move past my grief with this 'only' option.  I won't wallow in the sadness and fear and anger and confusion around this - that's been buzzing through my head for the last year.  Instead, I'm going to keep with the spirit of this blog and somehow find something in this mess to be grateful for....

modern medicine? more specifically.. the modern technologies that will allow donor egg pregnancy.

(I kinda also hate modern medicine because I really wish there was a way to reverse what I'm going through and find a way to uncover a few of my 'good eggs' so that I can conceive a child of my own.)

Maybe I should stop talking about this hypothetical baby as not 'mine', after all, there's a chance I will use DE and become pregnant and if I do, I hope I can share this blog with them and let them know how much her/his dad are going through to create them and add them to our family.  Maybe they will learn that when life throws you curve balls, it's possible to live through the anger, sadness and grief and can consider options you never thought you'd consider to achieve something great.

Or, maybe I'm getting ahead of myself.  I need to live each day at a time and keep hopeful that my future will match some of my dreams.

still waiting

Another cycle is about to start. I wish I felt something different.  what am I grateful for?  I  have a very supportive hubby who helps me through these tough times.  I hope we get to move past this phase soon!      

Any words of encouragement?

What am I grateful for today?

I am so grateful my husband is the most loving and kindest soul in the world.. and he's hella funny!!

 

 

This is an image text he sent me today while doing his part of the IUI business...

 

 

 Any words of encouragement?

 

 

All I could thing of to write back was... Katy Perry? :)

 

LOL!!!

 



Given the go ahead!

I've been given the go ahead for an IUI. Doc wants me to take another Follistem shot tonight and then the Ovidrel the day after. We are scheduled for IUI on Friday. Wish us luck!

Getting closer to the bull's eye?

Todays RE visit was a quick ultrasound to see if the meds I've asked my husband to stab into my stomach are making any new follicles that just might hold a precious egg inside. Well, only one folli showed up for picture day. And unfortunately, so did its big sister cyst.  So my next step is another stab of the needle, only in the arm this time and do a test of my estrodial levels. I'm hoping my numbers are high enough to do the IUI this week.

The RE I had today was clearly 7+ months pregnant. Maybe that will be a good sign and this could mean I'm getting closer to hitting the bull's eye.

Oh universe, we are so very ready and willing to carry our baby!

So what am I grateful for today? I'm forever grateful I continue to have curiousity. Just a few months ago my RE told us we should just move to DE, not something that we would like to do. We (hubby & I) believe my eggs are getting in better shape - all the herbs and supplements, acupuncture and chiropractic work...  I asked if we could try a natural IUI and if we could do a few rounds (if needed) to do everything possible before the last resort, DE. I also asked for a copy of all my medical records, in them I found that the RE is hoping that I will respond well to the series of medicated IUIs with the possibility of doing an IVF cycle with my own eggs. I am so glad I asked her about these options - in the least they keep me optimistic that our dream of our family may come true.

Gifts to the Universe

It's been nine months months apparently.  Only we went to visit you in late January and you had mentioned you weren't going to try for a second until you got back to work.  you didn't start work until March.  I just saw your announcement and offered you my congratulations. I don't have the same level of pain and sadness as I had when I first found out you were pregnant even while we dined together. I'd like to be fully happy for you. I really would. But I have to honor what I am going through. I have to honor the pain I feel when the third of my good friends has conceived and delivered their child over these years while I remain childless.  I only remain friends with one of these women, unfortunately it is not you. I really have tried to push my feelings aside, but imagine if you had to push your excitement about your newborn aside and couldn't share it with all your friends because the experience you had when you told them was an offering of distraction or they instead told you about someone they once heard about who had a dog, as of that were a fair comparison. I'm not angry at you, just the situation I am in.  I am finally being truly selfish, and honoring myself for being so. Maybe anger is no longer my emotion. maybe, I am just letting go.

I continue with the various treatments and have added a 5th doctor to my mix. I now pay more on "uncovered medical treatments" than three months of my private health insurance premium, each and every month.  Did it cost you your savings to have your child? Did it cost you your job, your emotional stability in your marriage, your ability to help your aging parents with their bills, your "nesting" fund, friendships with wonderful women who became pregnant and then left you just as they learned of the challenges because they feel too 'uncomfortable' to be pregnant around me - did you have to go through this when you just 'got'  pregnant?

I guess I say this because everyone has something in their life that is a major challenge. And some do not, because they have financial security and means to hire the best support system for their problems. Well, some of us work really hard to do the right things, to create a financial stability that they hope will give their own children the accumulative advantage that we didn't have growing up only to be slapped again in the face as though a big gate has locked us out of the 'family club'.

Since I cannot see the future, I can only hold on to the little hope I have and seek out teachers who will help direct me toward a life where I can truly discover who I am and what I have to offer the world. Maybe having and rising children in my own likeness isn't the best gift I can offer the universe? It's now up to me to find out what is.

I kinda wish I was more enthusiastic about this...

Looking forward to my suprise.

Today I find myself digging deep to find kindness and compassion for myself as others around me are announcing their happy pregnancies.  I head away for a few weeks to celebrate the wedding of a brother and his bride - and her pregnant belly.  I will return to thank my neighbors for watching my home and celebrate by giving them thanks and congratulations on their newly announced pregnancy.

I realize I need to take care of myself during these tough times.  But I have a hard time accepting why it is I am having these troubles, when so many others seem to start their families as a 'surprise'.

Hearing the sadness in my husband voice as he tries to console me and offers his apologies that yet another person announces their pregnancy and we are childless.  Trying for years, looking at a heap of cash that may or may not produce our greatest dream come true.  It is the sadness in his voice that touches me the most. We haven't given up. We are digging deep. We love each other more than ever.  Yet, we are sick of feeling forced into keeping our lives on hold until we reach some next phase in our lives. Will that next phase be with a childe(ren) or without? We don't feel we can 'treat' ourselves in reaching for some of our other goals in life: buying a new home,  moving to a new city, taking a sunny relaxing vacation.  Instead every dollar is attached to 'maybe baby'. The money we'd spend going out to dinner "should" be saved for that upcoming ultrasound. The money I'd spend on meeting friends for afternoon tea/lunch needs to be saved for that next round of medications/herbs/acupuncture... Even the savings we've created with the help of cutting off our cable TV, making bread at home, using a Soda Stream instead of buying his soda at the store.. and the list goes on.. all these cost cutting factors don't seem to be getting us closer to our family.  Only time will tell.   Only time and possibly some good luck will bring what we yearn for most.  What we always have on our minds. What we are meant to be.

little spark of optimism

I had a nice weekend. Saw some friends, played a little, worked on a boat. I have already dug deep for this IF journey. I'm having a spell of 'wanna give up'.  On everything. It's a terrible place to be. I just ordered a book on AMZ, maybe it will help me feel like fighting longer. Maybe it will give me more self confidence and strength to keep muddling through.  I don't know.

What I am aware of is the stabbing pain that I feel when I see families. The kick in the gut I feel when a friend innocently enough shares some small accomplishment of their child. The emptiness I feel when my 'child-free' friends ask me to plan a great vacation to Italy together next Spring.  No  one is overtly trying to hurt me or harm my feelings. Hell, I don't even obsess about this on a moment by moment basis. But it creeps up on me when I'm just 'living'. And all these little moments are adding up to one big heartbreak. One that I wish I could let go of. 

So what am I grateful for today?  I guess that would be amazon.com.  In my few moments of checking out some bloggers I follow, I came upon a post that recommended a book.  Because of that, my day has a little spark of optimism. And I'm going to hold onto it with all I've got left. Sometimes that's all we can do, right?

Another year of being Grateful

My birthday kicked the can the other day and I have to say, realizing that I've gone four years of wishing for 'baby' on my birthday cake with nothing to show for it is pretty sad.  Okay, yeah I'm sad. What else is new? I've been on this same f'ing journey and turning to blogging and posting on forums to give my self a chance to let out how much confusion and downright anger that I feel since beginning a journey to mommy-hood.

I even titled my blog something completely different so I wouldn't 'dwell' in the sadness that has become my mind since month after month of reliving a failure that I feel I have no control over - even though I imagine I am doing everything under the sun to prepare me to be ready to deliver my own son/daughter.   But I wait. And I wait. And I tell one friend a 'highlight' of what I've been going through since the last time we got together - you know, "So I'm still taking these herbs, and going to acupuncture weekly and keeping my diet in line with what the doctor has asked. I still use only organic soaps, only glass Tupperware and have air filters throughout the house. I still do fertility yoga, walk as much as I can. Meditate, rest, and have been getting a solid 5+ hours of sleep a night. More that I can ever remember getting as an adult. And yes, I had my hormones tested again and they are indeed getting to a more 'normal' range. And yes, my RE will not do procedures with my genetics unless my hormones are in a solid 'normal' range. And yes, I do still somehow keep my spirits up as much as possible. And yes, I'm still not pregnant."

So I focus on what I am grateful for: 

• My beautiful dog. she just turned 15! that's something to be grateful for.
• My adoring husband.  He has come a long way on this journey, and the hardships have really brought us closer.
• That I have a job. It's by far not my dream job, but it is, a job.
• That two of my brother's are understanding and compassionate about my situation.  This comes with some sadness, as telling them what I'm going through made more tears in their eyes than mine.
• That I have a strong and caring Acupuncturist/Chinese Herbalist who specializes in Fertility who believes that I will carry my own babies full term. I wish I could have such faith in my future.
• The fun ladies on Resolve, who keep me smiling and crying at all the right times. They reach out a helping hand to all of us who read & post.

 It's such a lonely road, this IF.  I find myself afraid to share too much with those that know, and afraid to share anything with those who don't.  It's like fighting a secret battle that affects everything I do in a day.  I'd like to grab a cocktail with friends after work. I'd like to continue training for marathons.  I'd like to go to Disneyland with my hubby, but all the kids there will remind me of what we lack. I'd like to feel comfortable with my family, but there are 20 nieces and nephews. I am the only sibling without kids. My sisters don't invite me and my husband to their joint family vacations. Because we don't have a 'family'.  They think I'm selfish, they think I choose this life.  They treat me different.  They will never know the truth, because they have been so hurtful.   They don't accept me or support me and that too makes me sad.

So I must look at my list above and remind myself why I started this blog. To be grateful. To recognize all that is in this life to celebrate.

for possibility of napping

I couldn't sleep last night. as in I have been awake since 12:30am this morning. I took a 1.5 hr nap on the couch before waking but never got back to sleep. I started work at 3:15am this morning. decided I was done at 3:45pm. now I'm trying to take a nap before yoga. wish me luck?

"your emergency is not my emergency"

"your emergency is not my emergency" I just read this quote on another blog I follow. it strikes me as very appropriate as a way to deal with disappointments in relationships. I often get frustrated with friends because they seem to include me when they are having problems in their lives. but when things go well, the calls and e-mails stop. I guess this is because I have always been super empathetic. I want to help those hurt. the challenge is, I usually don't reach out when I have problems. I don't want to bother anyone. so I don't say anything. my emergency may not be theirs, but I tend to make theirs my own. and this has already begun to change... what? is this something positive coming from my struggle with IF? ;) with my IF journey I first kept everything a secret. then months passed and I finally let the secret out to people I 'thought' would KNOW how to help me through. unfortunately, one of my friends, who I have known a long time, just kinda let me go. I reached out a few weeks later to see if we could get together and she never responded. I figure she would prefer to be my friend when the issues are only about her. so I have finally let go as well. a couple other friends have kept up with me in more positive ways, encouraging me to talk about how i feel and then just replying with acceptance on whatever is going on. this has proven a great way to keep my friendships alive. :) my emergency isn't theirs, but these women are taking a step with me. by allowing me to share my anxiety, fears and humor with this diagnosis and all the strange proceedures I've chosen to try. these women allow me to have my own emergency, but have let me know that they love and support my decisions. they remnd me there is no right or wrong, things just are and may be resolved in time, one way or the other. i am so lucky to have found soul sisters who are teaching me this very precious lesson. for those who may have friends going through IF, just listening and sharing a tea is often enough. we don't need advice unless specifically requested. these days I am still more selective with who I will share this journey with (in the real world) but the important lesson I've learned is that I can still share my journey with new people and don't have to hold any regrets.

time to play catch up

it's been a long time baby!! well, I've been very busy in my world of being grateful. however, over the last ten months I found out that all my efforts of trying to conceive a child with my dearest husband has been for naught. it's taken me a while to feel comfortable to post this here. I was diagnosed with diminished ovarian reserve (DOR). it sucks. it really sucks. this means my ovaries are about 10-15 years older than what is concidered "normal" for my age. I could go into the details of my sadness and denial and medical attempts to reverse this, but not now. for now i'm just going to put it out here, in the bloggisphere: I have to deal with infertility as my reality and it blows. will I find grace and gratitude in this journey? so far they have been elusive. my faith in the future has definitely wained. i've started with a new mental therapist to help me through this journey. my greatest gratitude has been a website for others like me. we write each other daily. we know each others medicine, routines, proceedure, and handles but not each others names or faces. we suffer together online, but alone in our homes. the few friends and family I've told thus far have been ok. most don't know how to listen. they think god will take care of it, or just need to relax, work less and then somehow ill get pregnant for free. it's nice that they get to live so ignorantly. I do wish that would come true for me. but it's more likely going to take a boatload of money and rounds of medications and possibly years for me to get what others seem to achieve "out back behind the middle school to get (me) pregnant". if only it could be that easy for me Tracy Jordan-30 Rock ;)