Thursday, October 10, 2013

Promise for the future

Promise me, if I ever get and hold a pregnancy, to never, ever, EVER let me buy Luvs!?!

The 'second baby' campaign stings me every time. I realize I'm sensitive because of what I'm going through.

Hell, I just hate everyone and everything right now. Just all out mad.

Even so, because of this series of commercials in 2013, I don't ever want to support that company. Ever.

that. it. all.

Friday, October 4, 2013

A day to remember

I needed a day.

Yesterday's US showed such little growth.
My little guys are not coming as soon as I hoped for.

Yes, I'm sad about it. But I also know that I have done EVERYTHING possible to keep these little guys comfy and given them time to grow.  It just wasn't enough to change the situation.  I am not looking forward to the day they pass from me.  I am grateful that I had the opportunity to carry them for this brief time. I will forever remember them and this experience.

And I also know I will need to move on. I must believe that there will be a time when a new little one will be growing inside and with luck, they'll continue to grow strong and healthy and will make it through to spend a lifetime in my arms and receive my unconditional love.

Yes, today is still difficult. Losing a pregnancy sucks. Losing twins is cruel. I'm not the first, nor will I be the last mom-to-be who will have to travel this road. 

I'm forever grateful I kept this secret from most of those in my real life.

Wednesday, October 2, 2013

Sweet Potato Smile

Well, tomorrow will be a pretty interesting day.
I may be putting too much stress on the outcome of this next US.  But this is the one that I hope will give us some answers around whether my two little beanies want to grow or want to go. 

I'm not prepared for whatever will happen. I realized this as I freaked out for most of yesterday.  But I know that no matter what happens, I will get through it. And that feels good.

I won't lie to you, I fell apart yesterday. It was a tough day for me to focus, on anything.  I fought those stupid tears that inevitably come with IF. Those horrible feelings that I am not good enough. Not good enough for this or for that. Not good enough to be a mom.  As the day passed, my heart speeding along, my hands trembling while I speed-typed replies to my online support group, sucking up tears and snot - I baked a sweet potato.   I have avoided these for months, but decided not to avoid them any longer over the weekend.  I set a pretty table, sat alone with my perfectly baked potato, goat cheese and steamed kale and took a bit, then promptly fell flat asleep, mid bite!

a cuter version of me falling asleep in my grub!
Hubs came home from and lifted me off my potato.  He removed the crumbs that had caked around my mouth and forehead and led me to bed.  I must have looked frightening: mascara smeared, remnants of the meaty neon potato shimmering across my chin. But I was asleep, so it didn't scare me.  I was cashed out!  I woke at about 5:45am this morning. This could have been about 10 hours of sleep. I haven't slept that long, since, I can't remember when?

What it has done is help me refuel my energy.  I am going through a lot. As much as I didn't believe it yesterday, I know today, that I am capable of amazing things. Everything I have done and continue to do to get through this nasty time of life, is awesome. It's right for me. And I'm doing exactly what I need to, to be okay.

So tonight, I'm roasting chicken with broccolini, goat cheese and...sweet potato mash! :) 
**and I plan to stay awake to enjoy it!**