Friday, December 28, 2012

sending heart healing to "M"

Sending warm, healing thoughts to my sisters on the forum. Especially "M" - your loss is in my heart.

Friday, December 21, 2012

Grateful for acting lessons

I'm getting ready to spend the weekend through Christmas with my favorite brother and his family.  :) They are one of the few people that I enjoy spending time with and their kids are the dearest kids in my life.  I love them so much.

I have shared with my bro and SIL the pain in this stupid journey. But I find it hard to be fully present, because I don't want to hurt their feelings by sounding pessimistic all the time. I don't want to hurt them by continuing to talk about how all-encompassing this IF is in my life. I wish I had something else to talk about - but it bleeds into everything in my world. And I know that it must get old to hear someone babble on about what doesn't work out in their life.

I lost my job, so my 'go to' conversation is gone. I've been looking for a new job, and have had a few interviews, but I feel like the biggest idiot because I haven't been offered a position.  I spend hours each week looking for a new role. I even started volunteering with a friend to do some social media outreach for local businesses which has been fun. I get alerts from my IF forum and so I spend time following up and checking in with my friends there.  But when I see my bro/SIL, I get really scared that I'm going to just bawl uncontrollably because I can't stop the thoughts from running my mind. I think about how well my recent interview went. I think about a recent role, which requires monthly travel -  I wonder what went wrong in the interview or if it is some universal plan that is keeping me from a great job because it knows that I want to get pregnant - and to do that will take me away from work often to get ultra sounds, injections and procedures. I realize that if we aren't pregnant right now, I'll have to go through another few IUIs and then start the process for DE IVF.  That is supposed to make me feel better - that I have a plan in place.

I feel like my poor husband is taking the brunt of all our responsibilities. That's hard for me to give these up. I don't know what to do to better support him. I am trying to get a job, but that isn't going well. I try to have a better attitude, but I get so tired and find myself cranky on the hormones. When we are together it's nice to snuggle and feel protected. But the fact is, he needs help.  I feel so out of control.   I see families at the park, on TV, online, I have a huge family and they all have families of their own. I can't help but feel sorry for myself and angry at this stupid F'ing disease.  I can't imagine what I did to deserve this - I can't believe that anyone does anything to deserve this. I know I'm just not lucky. But knowing that doesn't make me feel any better.

I'll wrap up by saying I am going to try not to be myself this weekend. I need to be someone who isn't so affected by this hell. I  need to be someone who can act like she is enjoying the holidays. I need to be someone that my hubby, brother, SIL and kids will want to have around.

I don't know how I'll do - but I'm going to give it a shot. I have to change who I am to make this trip enjoyable.  I'm really scared that I'm going to bring everyone down - wish me luck!

So what am I grateful for?  Having gone to acting lessons - to act 'ok' when my world is falling apart.

Wednesday, December 19, 2012

Grateful for the strength from others

I fell apart today. 

I know the holidays are around the corner. IF has robbed me of my confidence.  I lost my job earlier this year. I gained 15 lbs in about a month.  I can't handle being with family or friends, especially those with children. 

I lost one of my oldest friends - she has 2 kids and once mentioned that a co-worker had a DE and DS IVF and my friend couldn't believe that someone would do that.  I could only reply by saying that when you are stuck with IF, you do what you can afford to become parent. No matter what.  I haven't scheduled a play date with her since.  I'm bitter. She doesn't understand - and really, why should she? It's not fun or glamorous to live with this pain.   I have replaced my years of love and friendship with such judgement and anger. I don't like this part of me. 

I can't truly open up to the few family & friends who tolerate me.   Instead, I beat myself up inside. I am clinging onto the hope that the 'plan' my DH are progressing on will allow us to reach our goal. There are no guarantees. 

I'm lucky to have the most supportive husband in the world. He hasn't left me, in fact he reminds me how lucky he feels to be in this life with me, all the time.  I have held it together for some time. I used to break apart on a bi-weekly basis. I'm on progesterone, so maybe that's aiding and abating my emotional outburst.

I participate in an online forum, it gives me some hope and inspiration.  I'm grateful for the relationships I have there. The ladies today posted about the desire to feel normal. To feel confidence to simply go out with the girls for a cocktail to celebrate the holidays.  I can't do that without lying about why I'm no longer drinking wine. About why I've changed my diet. About why I don't ask about their kids. About why I don't really have anything to add to the conversation. This year has been a more that difficult.  I struggle daily with IF, I lost my job, I did several failed cycles of expensive IUIs, I added a ton of weight and that makes me feel horrible.  REs have suggested I go straight to DE IVF.  That's even more expensive. These online women have kep my head above water.  Even though our conversations are short and only online and I have no idea who any of them really are, I trust them to share my daily rants. To ask my silly questions. To gain strength from their confidence.  

I'm grateful for the strength of others.

Sunday, December 16, 2012

Grateful for your pangs

I spent the week with you on my mind
Each pinch, each ache, each pang
from gas?
from you?
Were you implanting in my womb?

I heard your news today
I am relieved your worry is put to
Your life moves on
You can move forward
The next chapter is about
to begin

I continue to count the days
my sides remind me I am no
closer to fine
I take in my hope each
morning and night

I hold a candle that I
will not be disappointed
I hold you in my heart today
I will not
let you go

each day will pass
you are always
on my
in my
a part of me

I feel whole
when I
imagine us together

I keep a light on for you
in my heart
in my soul
you are a part of us

Tuesday, December 11, 2012

Grateful for you

Tomorrow is a big day for me.
Tomorrow I take another leap toward my dream.
Tomorrow is a big day for you.
Tomorrow you learn when your son will arrive.
I hope things will work out.

For both of us.

My head is heavy from the moments that led to this day.
Will we triumph?
Will we succeed?
Will we get our hearts desire?
I want our dreams to come true.
I yearn for a happy chapter in this life.
I look for a day when this is all behind us.

I wish
I could
be a better sister
for you now.

if only
we both
weren't struggling
at the same

I wish
I could
share my

with you.

Monday, December 3, 2012

Grateful for knowing when to say: Goodbye

I've been feeling a lot more optimistic these last couple weeks!

I stayed away from my family over Thanksgiving.  Gave myself a chance to be free of awkward waves of emotion.  Freed myself from walking into an extended family setting sweating and praying that no one hurts my feelings. Dodging conversations between siblings who stand in front of me talking to each other but keep me from joining their circle.  YEAH!! I stayed away from the jerks that brought me up in this world!  I kinda feel like I'm finally growing up!  I fantasized about never, ever, ever seeing them again.  I have actually been obsessing a little about that -  about moving far away and changing my name and never mentioning them again. And it feels GOOD! 

Dear Husband and I have come to a decision about our next protocol. Two, maybe three more IUIs, make that aggressive IUIs with FSH shooting through my body for 6 days, maybe more and then a big ole HCG shot and then fingers crossed that some kind of miracle will occur. 

If it doesn't, then our journey moves on to getting third party help with genetics, Donor Eggs. I feel so lucky that I am alive when this option is viable and that I am actually able to consider it.

But it does come with fear,  a lot of fear.  I am practicing being strong in the face of this fear. I've written about my family before. I have a lot of sisters. I don't feel they have every accepted or liked me and really don't think of me unless they need me to do something. I guess, I just don't feel very.. related to them. So why then do I get so upset thinking about having a child that isn't my genetic match?  I'm not too keen on my own genetic sisters so why should I want my own child to share their genes? I guess, because they are my genes. They are my unique identifiers. They are all I have to pass on in this world. And it hurts to let that hope, idea, that right, go away. To release it into the world and simply hope for the best outcome. Hope that my sisters and their families won't push my family aside. Although, I'm sure they would even if the child was genetically mine.  I think no matter what I could do my sisters will not accept me or love me the way I imagine it could be, the way I wish it was.  They just don't have it in them to be the sisters I've always hoped to have. Sure they share and take care of each other, but I've never been a part of that equation and that has to be that.  I can feel  upset by it. I can feel hurt. But none of that is going to change their actions.   I have nothing to prove to them, especially via my child(ren).  When I become pregnant, however I become pregnant, it is going to be my own journey. I have to stop thinking of my life with them playing major characters. I only have to share my story with the people I choose.  That means I will cut out some family and some friends. I feel it already beginning now.  Those I choose not to be around, not to chat, text, visit with. I think I will let them fall behind and take care of the most important person right now. Me.  This will lead me to my future. 

I make a promise to myself that I will be supportive of my decisions.  I am doing the very best with the information I have uncovered. I am treating my body well, I could do better with my mind. I could do less with the family I was born into. I may think I need them now, but they have chosen so long ago that they don't want me. This isn't a time to 'bond' with sisters or friends who already have full lives. It's okay for me to honor my feelings and emotions and let them all go.

If I were to talk to my girl self, I would tell her that no good will come of looking up to our sisters because time after time they will fail to provide the support we long for.  Our greatest cause of sadness and depression will come from being constantly rejected from these women who we look up to. They are simply the wrong target for our affection.  The power we have within is mighty and strong and our energy would be much better spent treating our-self like the winner, like the kewl kid, like the person who has value and promise. Because, nobody else will ever to this for us. It is up to me and we alone to give our life importance and respectI really wish I could have pulled my 5 year old self aside and prepared her like this - could you imagine the joy and happiness I could have experienced by now? 

Maybe this is why I'm feeling better.  I am letting go. Letting the family I was born into fall away and this time I will not scramble to pull pieces together.  It's okay that I don't like my family, it's okay they don't like me. Many haven't done much to deserve my love, my adoration, or to be a part of my life. So as this year turns toward its end, I am saying goodbye. Goodbye to my sisters. I choose only  two brothers, and that suits me just fine!