Thursday, October 18, 2012

Suck it Modern Medicine

Suck on it. Suck. On. It.

I love that phrase. It expresses so well how I often feel about this health situation. It's a phrase I can use instead of saying, "I think you're a jerk and what you're saying hurts me." So "Suck on it."

I returned to the RE today for a baseline US. That came back with a new cyst on the left. Add that to the standing cyst on the right and the RE told me that she is not comfortable putting me on the meds for an IUI this cycle. But she said I could go through with a natural IUI. Then proceeded to tell us that my situation is so bad that she doesn't think I have a chance with IUI. Again she said only DE IVF is recommended if I want to carry through with a pregnancy. She said my ovarian reserve appears to be depleted.

Suck. On. It.

Somehow I am keeping this (apparently foolish) balloon of hope over my head. I may move on to DE at the end of the year, but I don't know if I'll ever move past my grief with this 'only' option.  I won't wallow in the sadness and fear and anger and confusion around this - that's been buzzing through my head for the last year.  Instead, I'm going to keep with the spirit of this blog and somehow find something in this mess to be grateful for....

modern medicine? more specifically.. the modern technologies that will allow donor egg pregnancy.

(I kinda also hate modern medicine because I really wish there was a way to reverse what I'm going through and find a way to uncover a few of my 'good eggs' so that I can conceive a child of my own.)

Maybe I should stop talking about this hypothetical baby as not 'mine', after all, there's a chance I will use DE and become pregnant and if I do, I hope I can share this blog with them and let them know how much her/his dad are going through to create them and add them to our family.  Maybe they will learn that when life throws you curve balls, it's possible to live through the anger, sadness and grief and can consider options you never thought you'd consider to achieve something great.

Or, maybe I'm getting ahead of myself.  I need to live each day at a time and keep hopeful that my future will match some of my dreams.

Sunday, October 14, 2012

still waiting

Another cycle is about to start. I wish I felt something different.  what am I grateful for?  I  have a very supportive hubby who helps me through these tough times.  I hope we get to move past this phase soon!      

Friday, October 5, 2012

Any words of encouragement?

What am I grateful for today?
I am so grateful my husband is the most loving and kindest soul in the world.. and he's hella funny!!
This is an image text he sent me today while doing his part of the IUI business...
 Any words of encouragement?
All I could thing of to write back was... Katy Perry? :)

Tuesday, October 2, 2012

Given the go ahead!

I've been given the go ahead for an IUI. Doc wants me to take another Follistem shot tonight and then the Ovidrel the day after. We are scheduled for IUI on Friday. Wish us luck!

Getting closer to the bull's eye?

Todays RE visit was a quick ultrasound to see if the meds I've asked my husband to stab into my stomach are making any new follicles that just might hold a precious egg inside. Well, only one folli showed up for picture day. And unfortunately, so did its big sister cyst.  So my next step is another stab of the needle, only in the arm this time and do a test of my estrodial levels. I'm hoping my numbers are high enough to do the IUI this week.

The RE I had today was clearly 7+ months pregnant. Maybe that will be a good sign and this could mean I'm getting closer to hitting the bull's eye.

Oh universe, we are so very ready and willing to carry our baby!

So what am I grateful for today? I'm forever grateful I continue to have curiousity. Just a few months ago my RE told us we should just move to DE, not something that we would like to do. We (hubby & I) believe my eggs are getting in better shape - all the herbs and supplements, acupuncture and chiropractic work...  I asked if we could try a natural IUI and if we could do a few rounds (if needed) to do everything possible before the last resort, DE. I also asked for a copy of all my medical records, in them I found that the RE is hoping that I will respond well to the series of medicated IUIs with the possibility of doing an IVF cycle with my own eggs. I am so glad I asked her about these options - in the least they keep me optimistic that our dream of our family may come true.