Thursday, September 20, 2012

Gifts to the Universe

It's been nine months months apparently.  Only we went to visit you in late January and you had mentioned you weren't going to try for a second until you got back to work.  you didn't start work until March.  I just saw your announcement and offered you my congratulations. I don't have the same level of pain and sadness as I had when I first found out you were pregnant even while we dined together. I'd like to be fully happy for you. I really would. But I have to honor what I am going through. I have to honor the pain I feel when the third of my good friends has conceived and delivered their child over these years while I remain childless.  I only remain friends with one of these women, unfortunately it is not you. I really have tried to push my feelings aside, but imagine if you had to push your excitement about your newborn aside and couldn't share it with all your friends because the experience you had when you told them was an offering of distraction or they instead told you about someone they once heard about who had a dog, as of that were a fair comparison. I'm not angry at you, just the situation I am in.  I am finally being truly selfish, and honoring myself for being so. Maybe anger is no longer my emotion. maybe, I am just letting go.

I continue with the various treatments and have added a 5th doctor to my mix. I now pay more on "uncovered medical treatments" than three months of my private health insurance premium, each and every month.  Did it cost you your savings to have your child? Did it cost you your job, your emotional stability in your marriage, your ability to help your aging parents with their bills, your "nesting" fund, friendships with wonderful women who became pregnant and then left you just as they learned of the challenges because they feel too 'uncomfortable' to be pregnant around me - did you have to go through this when you just 'got'  pregnant?

I guess I say this because everyone has something in their life that is a major challenge. And some do not, because they have financial security and means to hire the best support system for their problems. Well, some of us work really hard to do the right things, to create a financial stability that they hope will give their own children the accumulative advantage that we didn't have growing up only to be slapped again in the face as though a big gate has locked us out of the 'family club'.

Since I cannot see the future, I can only hold on to the little hope I have and seek out teachers who will help direct me toward a life where I can truly discover who I am and what I have to offer the world. Maybe having and rising children in my own likeness isn't the best gift I can offer the universe? It's now up to me to find out what is.

I kinda wish I was more enthusiastic about this...