I'm getting ready to spend the weekend through Christmas with my favorite brother and his family. :) They are one of the few people that I enjoy spending time with and their kids are the dearest kids in my life. I love them so much.
I have shared with my bro and SIL the pain in this stupid journey. But I find it hard to be fully present, because I don't want to hurt their feelings by sounding pessimistic all the time. I don't want to hurt them by continuing to talk about how all-encompassing this IF is in my life. I wish I had something else to talk about - but it bleeds into everything in my world. And I know that it must get old to hear someone babble on about what doesn't work out in their life.
I lost my job, so my 'go to' conversation is gone. I've been looking for a new job, and have had a few interviews, but I feel like the biggest idiot because I haven't been offered a position. I spend hours each week looking for a new role. I even started volunteering with a friend to do some social media outreach for local businesses which has been fun. I get alerts from my IF forum and so I spend time following up and checking in with my friends there. But when I see my bro/SIL, I get really scared that I'm going to just bawl uncontrollably because I can't stop the thoughts from running my mind. I think about how well my recent interview went. I think about a recent role, which requires monthly travel - I wonder what went wrong in the interview or if it is some universal plan that is keeping me from a great job because it knows that I want to get pregnant - and to do that will take me away from work often to get ultra sounds, injections and procedures. I realize that if we aren't pregnant right now, I'll have to go through another few IUIs and then start the process for DE IVF. That is supposed to make me feel better - that I have a plan in place.
I feel like my poor husband is taking the brunt of all our responsibilities. That's hard for me to give these up. I don't know what to do to better support him. I am trying to get a job, but that isn't going well. I try to have a better attitude, but I get so tired and find myself cranky on the hormones. When we are together it's nice to snuggle and feel protected. But the fact is, he needs help. I feel so out of control. I see families at the park, on TV, online, I have a huge family and they all have families of their own. I can't help but feel sorry for myself and angry at this stupid F'ing disease. I can't imagine what I did to deserve this - I can't believe that anyone does anything to deserve this. I know I'm just not lucky. But knowing that doesn't make me feel any better.
I'll wrap up by saying I am going to try not to be myself this weekend. I need to be someone who isn't so affected by this hell. I need to be someone who can act like she is enjoying the holidays. I need to be someone that my hubby, brother, SIL and kids will want to have around.
I don't know how I'll do - but I'm going to give it a shot. I have to change who I am to make this trip enjoyable. I'm really scared that I'm going to bring everyone down - wish me luck!
So what am I grateful for? Having gone to acting lessons - to act 'ok' when my world is falling apart.
No comments:
Post a Comment