I had a nice weekend. Saw some friends, played a little, worked on a boat. I have already dug deep for this IF journey. I'm having a spell of 'wanna give up'. On everything. It's a terrible place to be. I just ordered a book on AMZ, maybe it will help me feel like fighting longer. Maybe it will give me more self confidence and strength to keep muddling through. I don't know.
What I am aware of is the stabbing pain that I feel when I see families. The kick in the gut I feel when a friend innocently enough shares some small accomplishment of their child. The emptiness I feel when my 'child-free' friends ask me to plan a great vacation to Italy together next Spring. No one is overtly trying to hurt me or harm my feelings. Hell, I don't even obsess about this on a moment by moment basis. But it creeps up on me when I'm just 'living'. And all these little moments are adding up to one big heartbreak. One that I wish I could let go of.
So what am I grateful for today? I guess that would be amazon.com. In my few moments of checking out some bloggers I follow, I came upon a post that recommended a book. Because of that, my day has a little spark of optimism. And I'm going to hold onto it with all I've got left. Sometimes that's all we can do, right?
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