Suck on it. Suck. On. It.
I love that phrase. It expresses so well how I often feel about this health situation. It's a phrase I can use instead of saying, "I think you're a jerk and what you're saying hurts me." So "Suck on it."
I returned to the RE today for a baseline US. That came back with a new cyst on the left. Add that to the standing cyst on the right and the RE told me that she is not comfortable putting me on the meds for an IUI this cycle. But she said I could go through with a natural IUI. Then proceeded to tell us that my situation is so bad that she doesn't think I have a chance with IUI. Again she said only DE IVF is recommended if I want to carry through with a pregnancy. She said my ovarian reserve appears to be depleted.
Suck. On. It.
Somehow I am keeping this (apparently foolish) balloon of hope over my head. I may move on to DE at the end of the year, but I don't know if I'll ever move past my grief with this 'only' option. I won't wallow in the sadness and fear and anger and confusion around this - that's been buzzing through my head for the last year. Instead, I'm going to keep with the spirit of this blog and somehow find something in this mess to be grateful for....
modern medicine? more specifically.. the modern technologies that will allow donor egg pregnancy.
(I kinda also hate modern medicine because I really wish there was a way to reverse what I'm going through and find a way to uncover a few of my 'good eggs' so that I can conceive a child of my own.)
Maybe I should stop talking about this hypothetical baby as not 'mine', after all, there's a chance I will use DE and become pregnant and if I do, I hope I can share this blog with them and let them know how much her/his dad are going through to create them and add them to our family. Maybe they will learn that when life throws you curve balls, it's possible to live through the anger, sadness and grief and can consider options you never thought you'd consider to achieve something great.
Or, maybe I'm getting ahead of myself. I need to live each day at a time and keep hopeful that my future will match some of my dreams.
Suck. On. It. ... and have hope, too. I actually think that's a very balanced approach. :) It gets better -fun.
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