Wednesday, December 11, 2013

Yesterday, Today, and Tomorrow

Wow! Where to begin...?

Huge next step just happened.

I've been licking my wounds from our losses. Then we lost or beloved fur-baby just after Thanksgiving. Hubs and I grieved, wailed for days. She was our everything for 10 whole years and she had a full 16 and a half years of a beautiful life.

This week - we began creating new life...

22 eggs were retrieved
18 were mature
18 fertilized!!!

Now we wait as our 'Posse' (possibilities) chill out on their incubation-vacation.  Sunday, the lab-gods will take a peek and if we are lucky we will have a good number of embies to freeze for our FET in January.
My nurse said we should expect to lose about half of these as they grow and double to 100 cell blasts. Please keep us in your thoughts and fingers crossed that we get a great crew as we head toward the next step in this crazy, out of this world, sci-fi process. :)

I get to share my woo-hoo again to make sure I am no longer hiding 'pregnancy matter' in there.  I think I'm going to pass that test, but we'll see. Those two little twins really wanted to hang on. (and to be honest, I was totally rooting for them)

Wednesday, November 20, 2013

Been a while...

It's been a while since I've had the guts to blog.
Since last time, I lost our beautiful twins.
There isn't much more to say than that is the most horrific experience of all this IF.
There are no words of support for myself or my hubs.
We have been trying to put our pieces back together.
It's not easy.
We are going to go away for a spell.
To try and learn how to celebrate something again.
We are both, forever changed.
We are at the end of our rope.
We are trying our best to be the best for each other.
When we fail at this, our worlds come tumbling down, again.
It stinks.
We are looking for moments to laugh.
Moments to reflect that life has taken a break from shitting on us.
We are tired of being down.
We are tired of being.
Focusing on the moments - is that all there is?
Why don't we get to focus on the big picture, like so many others?
Why don't we get a break?
We have a 'plan'.
We hope it will work.
It's not ideal.
But it's what we have to work with.
Wishing all of you a love filled Thanksgiving.
Please be good to your selves.

Thursday, October 10, 2013

Promise for the future

Promise me, if I ever get and hold a pregnancy, to never, ever, EVER let me buy Luvs!?!

The 'second baby' campaign stings me every time. I realize I'm sensitive because of what I'm going through.

Hell, I just hate everyone and everything right now. Just all out mad.

Even so, because of this series of commercials in 2013, I don't ever want to support that company. Ever.

that. it. all.

Friday, October 4, 2013

A day to remember

I needed a day.

Yesterday's US showed such little growth.
My little guys are not coming as soon as I hoped for.

Yes, I'm sad about it. But I also know that I have done EVERYTHING possible to keep these little guys comfy and given them time to grow.  It just wasn't enough to change the situation.  I am not looking forward to the day they pass from me.  I am grateful that I had the opportunity to carry them for this brief time. I will forever remember them and this experience.

And I also know I will need to move on. I must believe that there will be a time when a new little one will be growing inside and with luck, they'll continue to grow strong and healthy and will make it through to spend a lifetime in my arms and receive my unconditional love.

Yes, today is still difficult. Losing a pregnancy sucks. Losing twins is cruel. I'm not the first, nor will I be the last mom-to-be who will have to travel this road. 

I'm forever grateful I kept this secret from most of those in my real life.

Wednesday, October 2, 2013

Sweet Potato Smile

Well, tomorrow will be a pretty interesting day.
I may be putting too much stress on the outcome of this next US.  But this is the one that I hope will give us some answers around whether my two little beanies want to grow or want to go. 

I'm not prepared for whatever will happen. I realized this as I freaked out for most of yesterday.  But I know that no matter what happens, I will get through it. And that feels good.

I won't lie to you, I fell apart yesterday. It was a tough day for me to focus, on anything.  I fought those stupid tears that inevitably come with IF. Those horrible feelings that I am not good enough. Not good enough for this or for that. Not good enough to be a mom.  As the day passed, my heart speeding along, my hands trembling while I speed-typed replies to my online support group, sucking up tears and snot - I baked a sweet potato.   I have avoided these for months, but decided not to avoid them any longer over the weekend.  I set a pretty table, sat alone with my perfectly baked potato, goat cheese and steamed kale and took a bit, then promptly fell flat asleep, mid bite!

a cuter version of me falling asleep in my grub!
Hubs came home from and lifted me off my potato.  He removed the crumbs that had caked around my mouth and forehead and led me to bed.  I must have looked frightening: mascara smeared, remnants of the meaty neon potato shimmering across my chin. But I was asleep, so it didn't scare me.  I was cashed out!  I woke at about 5:45am this morning. This could have been about 10 hours of sleep. I haven't slept that long, since, I can't remember when?

What it has done is help me refuel my energy.  I am going through a lot. As much as I didn't believe it yesterday, I know today, that I am capable of amazing things. Everything I have done and continue to do to get through this nasty time of life, is awesome. It's right for me. And I'm doing exactly what I need to, to be okay.

So tonight, I'm roasting chicken with broccolini, goat cheese and...sweet potato mash! :) 
**and I plan to stay awake to enjoy it!**

Monday, September 30, 2013

At any moment - 4 days left

My slow growing Hcg that once showed a single little sac in my uterus, is now showing 2 little sacs with yolks in my uterus. I will return this week to see if those sacs grow fetal poles. If no, I am told the familiar, "you should miscarry on my own, at any moment". If one, or both do show poles, what then?  My RE says this pregnancy is doomed. He must think I am nuts for continuing this waiting game week after week.  This is a horrible existence.   I spent the morning with my mom, most girls would be delighted to have their mom around at a time like this, to share all the excitement, ask for advice and get giddy with.  But me? In my life, it's a stupid play to share anything this important. Why? because life just doesn't work out for me.  Of course, I didn't share with her what is going on. At this point, why should I? All of this is doomed.

I heard a dude over the weekend tell the grocery store that his wife's pregnancy and birthing was 'so easy' that she was back to ironing his shirts after giving birth for three hours earlier in the day. It's talk like this that makes me so angry.

Why can't I just let this roll off my back?

Because it is hurtful. And everything these days, feels hurtful.

My body hurts, knowing that I am supposed to miscarry "at any moment".

My mind hurts, knowing that I am supposed to miscarry "at any moment".

My mind hurts, knowing I may have to decide HOW I will miscarry "at any moment".

My soul hurt, because things like this, just shouldn't happen. To anyone.

4 days left ...

Monday, September 23, 2013

What do you ask for, when you are in need?

I only have a minute and wanted to ask a question --

When you are in need of support during a crisis in your life, do you ask your circle of support for help?

If you do, what do you ask for?

I know I have a few people IRL and online who have offered their hand of support, and have asked me to let them know if there's anything I need, so they can provide the support I want.  I just don't know what one asks for at a time like this?

I'm curious what you all think? I'm interested in some suggestions.

Monday, September 16, 2013

Genderless Human

Some days I just want to hug my mom and ask her to fix me.

Today is one of those days.

It's been a really difficult year, hell few years.  Sure, I've accomplished some nice things and I am married to the greatest guy on earth. But we have been struggling with this very simple act that so many people animals do without a thought. It is SO difficult to live this life. 

I could call my self on the edge - on the end of just letting it all go because as I am screaming on the inside: I am invited to friends celebrating their kids birthdays, to family member parties, to give up my seat/parking/space in line for the pregnant mother, to smile and not comment when someone assumes I'm just 'too old' and probably don't care to have a family of my own. Or, perhaps worse, those friends who know what I'm going through, but don't ask how I'm doing. Or those that do who ask, but don't realize that their families are really difficult for me to be around.

I am not saying I want to hurt myself, but I often find that I wouldn't mind if I never woke up. When I'm awake I feel like I live in a constant nightmare.  Of silence. Hubs feels the same way. Only he has his own night/day terrors that he is dealing with. None of this is fair and I'm insane for constantly looking for a 'reason', a 'way to fix myself', a way to 'accept' my stupid fucking life.

Every part of my life is affected by this. I don't think it will ever stop. I expect to always feel like less of a person because I am infertile. I will always be treated like I'm less too. Those who know, pity me for this sadness that is constant. Those who don't know, don't realize how their attitudes toward, IVF, adoption, later age pregnancy affects me.

And what do I do in turn? Will I raise my voice to put an end to their arrogance and ignorance? No. Why? Because they will always win. They have already won. I will never be accepted by the community. I'll always have to seek out the other 'older moms'. IF we every get a pregnancy that sticks.

I recently wrote how angry I am. How I want to hurt other people - I still want to do that.

Learning about others who have infertility really doesn't make me feel better, it just makes me more angry. I feel for them, but I also get angry that they may be getting support from others because they opened up and shared what they are going through. And I'm to embarrassed to open up to some of the people I'd like to because I'm sure they will disappoint me with their idea of 'support'.

Oh god, if you really exist, why the hell are you testing us like this? Hubs and I have had soo much shit in our lives before we even found out that I'm a broken shell of a genderless human.

Isn't there anyone outside myself who can help me find peace among this hell?

I've been enjoying being optimistic these last week, choosing to smile because I wanted to experience what most women do when they find out that they are pregnant. But from the start my doctors told me not to celebrate. That I have no right to a healthy, natural pregnancy. How many of you had that response from your doctors? I'll bet not many. And I'd like to tell you that you never knew how lucky you were. That you were given a carte blanche to just enjoy that you saw a + on your home pregnancy test.  You never wondered what it was like to be told from the get go that your body is going to betray you. That your cells aren't good enough to add to the gene pool. That you, stop at you. Sure you can add to some epigenetics of another woman's cells, but you will never experience the joy of passing yourself on in the universe. And some will tell you 'that is meant to be'.

That I think, is the hardest part of all of this.

Monday, September 9, 2013

Keep Calm and Carry On...

New day, new feelings.

I am still reeling from the last few days. It's never easy to be filled with excitement and then have it all taken away and have to continue with life as usual, when you know something inside is dying.

But I guess that happens to all of us in our own ways.

I have been given some great advice lately. Some have suggested I close the doors to these hurtful people. I will try this with some of the people on my list. I also feel like I need to be direct with others. Not because I think they'll understand, but because I think it will help me heal.

Until then, I will make a promise to be kind to myself. Especially as this life slips away.

I am doing all I can to be a good citizen of the world. Pain is just part of the process.

Leave only footprints.

Sunday, September 8, 2013

Never gonna...

I am really, really angry. Even though I knew this was possible, I just can't fathom why the universe has put us through this? I mean, we were all set to start this thing with the donor, which we will still have to go through. We saved the money, to do what most people do for free. Then, we were given a moment to think about what could have been, what it could have been like to have my own genetic child, and it's all been torn away, again. After I had come to terms with losing my genetic connection, the universe busted in and slapped me in the face. That's what it feels like. That's what it is. I am so sad. Fuck! 

I will get over this. I just really wish that I could take it out on other people.  Like my stupid fucking sister in law and my brother. Who came out to visit, as I was going through a failed IUI cycle and they got pissed off at me for not wanting to hang out with them and their infant. Instead, my brother, who I used to be close with, has said he's pissed at the way I acted.  I want to slap HIM and HER in the face and tell them I'll never speak to them again. That they are complete assholes for fucking and getting pregnant so easily, then turning against me when I reached out to them for support.

I want to tell my old best friend that she's a fucking whore, for not being here for me. For being so fucking busy with her own life and kids and thinking her 'friend' (whom she has never spoken with but had a donor egg and donor sperm baby) was insane for wanting to have a child with those circumstances.

I want to tell my fucking sisters who have fucked up most of their kids that they are bullies and beasts for treating me like a runt all my life. And for being right about it.

I want to kick my dad in the balls for being a dick and instilling in me that I'm mostly worthless, only my cash support is appreciated, because only a few of his other kids have been as generous with money as I.

I want to cry to my mom and tell her everything that is going on. I want to ask her to fix me and fix the situation but not get tied up in my drama, and tell me that god will take care of it. 

I want to cry to my sister in law and brother who have been supportive and tell them what they offer is not enough. That I need more. I don't know exactly how or what, but I need more love pouring in to my crappy life. That drinking wine together is nice, but it makes me wonder if that's why I kill all my embryos. 

I want to punch my ovaries in their ass for having aged so progressively.

I want to tell my doctors from the time I was 17 that they killed my chances of becoming pregnant because they suggested I go on birth control.

I want to strangle my guts for not digesting dairy and stop my younger self from adding so many soy products to my diet for decades.

I want to bang my head against a wall to stop this desire to be a mom.

I want to cry in my hubs arms and make everything better.

Wednesday, August 21, 2013

Vent for 2013

What's it like to live a normal life?
To plan a personal project and have it work close to you timeline?
To wake up and be surprised by the success you've gained in a day, a week a months worth of  work, money, energy and emotion?

Some days it just feels like there's nothing left to give. And there isn't.

Then, I look into hubs eyes and he says, "We can do this, trust me."

Well, I do trust him, but even so, living the lies around those who are supposed to be friends and family has tired me.  I almost want to shout from the rooftop that I am done. I am damaged. I am a warrior.  But none of that is really true.

Some say life changes completely when you have a family, that you just don't understand how important or how much love you can express until you 'have experienced giving life'.  I'd like to tell those people to try living with infertility for 4+ years. To be told that at your age now, you may just be too old to start a family. To not be able to respond that you've been trying for years, back when they were having their first child, and it didn't work.  At that time it was too painful to admit my failure, to ask for help, to be brave enough to ask for medical assistance.  I'd like them to walk a mile in my shoes and understand something they will never understand unless they lived through it, (sic)that living with the death and despair of infertility/miscarriage/aging/loss is a whole lot more difficult and a larger change in ones life, than simply 'making a life'.

I am bitter today. I need to let some of this go - I'm not sure I ever will.

I am not grateful for anything right now. Just tired. Just sad, worn and weary. But I won't let it show on the outside. I play the game.  Those without my troubles don't have the time to be compassionate about mine, most are too wrapped up in their own success that they don't want my failure to touch their lives.  They say, "you focus too much on this, you need to relax, think about something else."   And so I don't want their support.  If they want me to sweep my current crisis under the rug, they can try not talking about their children, their spouse, their jobs, to see what it is like to have to hide something so important.  So today, I would like to scream to the world, asking for a fucking break.

Don't pity me, I don't. I am forced to move forward, to wake up each day, to pretend my chronic status of a life falling to pieces is not happening. Because no one wants to deal with someone who lives this way for 4+ years. No one can understand. I don't want to deal with me.

Maybe tomorrow I'll write something upbeat.  For my self.

Wednesday, August 14, 2013

When do things get...'better'?

Just when I feel like my life might have an upturn around the corner, everything falls apart.

I'm sick of living in this haze of sensitivity. Not just my own sensitivity, but that of others.

I know I'm supposed to be learning how to do what I want, even if others get upset. But I'm in a stage where I need the support of others but so far, everywhere I turn tends to be selfish people, who are looking out for themselves and don't notice that I'm drowning.  Fair enough, I just wish I knew how to be one of those people.

Except my hubs. He has been so open, evolving and caring for me. I hate when I am a part of something that makes him upset.  He is upset. He needs a vacation. I have tried for weeks to create a vacation plan for us. Now, we are hours away from our 'get away' and we are conflicted by the reality that we have very limited time to 'get away' from the stink that is our day to lives, only to choose to ask a family member if we can stay with them. And now, we don't want to do that because it feels so much like the rest of our days. We don't even know how we will find time to be just the two of us, with the rest of this family around. We love them. We want to share time with them. But I don't want to circulate my entire vacation around their needs. I feel like right now, I need to focus on my own needs.

But I don't know what they are; except to get away from my current life.  For a  good long while.

The stress of IF is everywhere. It's not seen or understood by others. That may be what makes it even worse. And the idea of trying something that just might work, makes every moment leading up to that realization a bit of torture.

So that's where I am today, feeling tortured. Flooded by family. Flooded by work. Flooded by life.

Thursday, July 18, 2013

Best Roomates Ever

Time is ticking.

Family is in town.
I don't want to see them.
I spoke with my confidant yesterday, I have decided it's not my problems that make me not want to be near them. It's them. They have proven to be a bunch of bullies. They 'say' they think each other would be supportive, but they can't.  They are flawed. It's not part of who they have chosen to be.

It must be difficult to have a life where you cannot empathize with the pain of others.  Or simple?

I have two very wonderful friends who mean more to me than any fear that I have come across in my life so far.  I can turn to either of these people at any point in my happiness or sadness. And they allow me.

They support my journey. They ask for nothing but honesty. And for some reason, they are really the only two people I have ever been able to be completely honest with. I am so grateful for them.

I am additionally grateful that I had the excellent experience of living with both these people during some pretty crazy times in my life.  I adore you two more than anything. THANK YOU!

Sunday, June 16, 2013

Pulled apart

Meeting with RE tomorrow, I guess it really is time to pull out the big bucks and pick a donor.
Mostly upset at myself for again, being hopeful and imagining I would be able to tell hubs on father's day..and celebrate on my bday is next weekend. Nothing is ok with IF. Rips too much of my heart on a monthly basis. My approach now is to look for the woman that will give us a gift of life, chance to be parents. I Do hope she is out there and we can find her, fast. Years of this heartache and monies spent. I don't know what else we can do?

I feel like we are forever going to be taken advantage of. That every dollar, every promotion, every cent we make is predestined for an REs vacation home.  Am I too stupid to accept that the universe doesn't want me to do this? Why am I being tested this way? Why isn't there an answer for us? Why have my hubs and I always had to build everything from scratch? I don't want to see or do anything today. It's father's day and the man I love more than anyone and anything else, I had to tell, yet again, that he won't be a daddy.  It's been years and so many assholes have become parents during this time.

Am I angry? You bet I am.  Will I put up more cash for a chance to go through this heartache again. Most likely.  Will that affect our house search? Yes.  Is our life completely on hold until we can finance a pregnancy, and an apartment (since downpayment for a house will have to wait).  Or should I just let go. Live a lonely childless life. Move far away from everyone here and start over as some one else?

Monday, May 20, 2013

Late May Rambling

So I've been on break for a couple months. I can feel my period is around the corner. Plus that bliss-filled feeling of not worrying about what I'll do next or whether I'm doing everything right has come to an end.  I can feel this next cycle sneaking up on my like mid-west thunder storm.  Warm, wet, a little scary and passing by quickly. But the fear in the moment will be there. The tears are coming, I can feel them. I haven't even 'failed' anything yet.

So much has changed in these two months and so much is exactly as it was when I took my last bow.  Will my ship ever move forward?

I walked with a long time friend today - and shared how difficult it is to stay friends with her because her life has moved on, while I am in constant struggle. I'm even an optimistic person, which must be why it doesn't seem so difficult to those who know me, watch me from afar.  She offered her apologies that my life has been so difficult.  She's had some great progress with her family and career. I told her how expensive having this disease with no insurance coverage is, how difficult it is to be looking for a new house when I don't even know if we'll have our dream of children, let alone how much out of pocket it is going to cost to create them.  I told her she was lucky.  She told me she was sorry there was nothing she could do for me. That I have done all the 'right' things.

I told her that what I've learned in my life, is there is no right or wrong. we just do and sometimes we're lucky and the rest of the time, we're not. 

Monday, March 11, 2013

When a Clown Tossed a Baby at My Hubby

I've been doing the best I can lately with keeping a better attitude when in public and with friends and having baby-talk and such. Plus, I've begun to actually go OUT with my hubby and do date-like 'normal' things that couples do. Amazing, I know! ;) Well, last night was a special date night.
We went to Cirque du Soleil with two other couples that we do yoga with twice a week. I thought it would be safe enough - maybe kids in the crowd, but should be safe for an IFer, right? lol...

One of the couples started out by asking me, "So, when's the little bambeano arriving?" Hubby and I dropped our jaws, not sure what he was asking. I replied before I knew it, by saying, "That's a touchy topic for me." He goes on to say he was so sorry, that he sticks his foot in his mouth all the time. My guess, my yoga instructor told him that I missed yoga the other night because I may be pregnant - only what I told her was I was that I had to miss because I needed to take care of myself and she knew I had done a procedure, so I think she jumped to a conclusion.
Then he says, oh I'm sorry, I just want you to know I want to to be it's best gay uncle! I told him he was sweet, not to worry about it, that it is a difficult thing for us to talk about. He then says, well I'm praying for you guys. DH kicked my shin and we both smiled and said. Thank you.
Then the show starts, it's cool and fun and bendie. We tease each other about our split poses and decide our yoga instructor, who was with us, would be torturing us with trying to tie into those poses this week. Then, the clowns come out. They do some random sketch that apparently means they were having sex and the girl clown turns around wearing a pregnancy pillow. They do a whole drawn out thing, DH turns to me and says, "Seriously, even at Cirque du Soleil? Can we catch a break?"
We divert our eyes and chat with each other for a second until the man clown 'delivers' 6 footballs that are supposed to be their babies.. and begins to throw them out to the audience. Guess who has to catch one?
Yep, my DH. He stared at me and looked like he was going to puke. Poor guy. They tell the men holding the 'babies' to cradle them stand up so everyone could see. And ask everyone to sing along in a lullaby. Finally, he gets to toss the 'baby' back to the clown. I could feel him trying to be a good sport as he was feeling whatever what going on in his head.
We get to the car and he says, "WTF? The only way I get a baby is by having one chucked at me by a clown?"
Eventually, we laughed about it and thought it may be a good sign. But I could tell DH was hurt. It felt like the universe was mocking us in front of everyone. Even though we were the only ones who know what we are facing.
Our friends made the expected comments, "maybe it's a sign?", "wow, now you're ready to be a daddy" .. none of it felt good and we played it off as though we weren't affected by it. But, damn. That hurt.

Thursday, March 7, 2013

Wide Awake

It's 2 am I can't sleep.  I am terrified.
The dreams keep swirling around my head.
Will I? Won't I?
Is my doctor paying attention to me?
How much longer will this take?
Will I feel again?

What if I ran away? Is it possible to start over?
Will I find meaning?

Why me?

... Moments of weakness creeping up on me. So lonely and yet I put on a good show.

I am looking for something to cling to. I am holding my heart, but it keeps slipping away.

Wednesday, March 6, 2013

These are my friends

So, I was a bit angry yesterday.
Sometimes I use this blog to vent.

That's the beauty of authoring content that you can post in an emotional fit and you don't have to think twice about those whom it addresses.  They will never don't know if it's about them, plus there's no telling if they are following along!

My online buddies got a peak at that post and boy did they have a thing or two to add. Many are feeling just like I describe, that so may friends & family just don't know how to be supportive. Even if they have gone through the pain of IF, no two persons have the same diagnosis or resolve. We are all different.  It seems such an easy concept. We are all different, so why not offer compassion to the relationship  when someone is hurting? Instead, I think, most people only know how to offer empathy.

According to
Empathy: the intellectual identification with or vicarious experiencing of the feelings, thoughts, or attitudes of another.

Compassion: a feeling of deep sympathy and sorrow for another who is stricken by misfortune, accompanied by a strong desire to alleviate the suffering.
The problem I see is that when we feel empathy, we automatically make it about ourselves, we make their sorrow with our own. We don't always reach outside ourselves to be of supportive, but instead this is where all those stories about "this one woman I know, stood on one leg and hopped backwards from LA to SFO and she now has beautiful twins", "you just need to relax".  Do this, do that, the list of 'fixes' go on and on, but the hurt party goes on feeling as though they haven't been heard.

When we offer compassion we are opening a door to join forces and find healing. I believe compassion is not offering a solution, but listening to the hurt party to support them in their own healing.

My online friends, the women on my boards, offer unending compassion for each other. It is so beautiful to read the posts they share. I have become email friends with some of them. I hope we stay friends long after our IF battle is done and well into our grey-haired days. 

I find hope in the future when a complete stranger online tells me she is thinking of me on the day of my procedure. When I get personal messages that ask how I'm doing, that she noticed my comment on another thread and it sounded like I was struggling that day. 

These are women of compassion. 
These are the mothers of the future.
These are my friends.   

Tuesday, March 5, 2013

What doesn't kill you ...

They say, "What doesn't kill you makes you stronger."
I will soon be ready to join the cast of the Avengers.

Here we are in March already and another cycle of meds and procedures have come and gone and again, another BFN.

The tears haven't come yet. But I have created a good protection. The last couple months I have decided not to invite my struggle to my offline world. I think it hurt more to disappoint my friends and family with updates on my lack of progress than it felt good to get their well wishes. I mean for goodness sake, their lives go on. It's mine that has been stuck in a rut for all these years.

In my silence I have:
  • Listened to 'friends' tell me how 'difficult' it is to raise three children. "Did you know they get sick and have trouble falling to sleep?" Seriously? Wow, I had no idea that being an infant or toddler increased the likelihood of getting sick and that sleep takes place in their own time.
  • Felt the hugs from my siblings kids and been told that time goes by so fast. "Can you believe how fast your niece and nephews are growing older? Don't you remember when they were just babies and now they are off to college?" Hmm, imagine that - time passes fast. Do you mean like how it's been about 4 years since we first attempted to get pregnant? Do you realize that means we sh/could have a toddler? I bet you don't think about that every day like I do. And each month I still have the optimism of a child on Christmas eve. And each month I get disappointed by the emptiness of what that becomes.
  • Watched my nieces and nephews share stories about their grandparents and experience their 80th birthdays. And all I can think of is how my children may never even get to meet my parents. I hope a few of those kids will teach my kids about their grandparents. I hope my parents can tell them too.
I am stronger than you. That's all I can say.
You haven't reached out to ask me how I am doing. You, in fact, have your own life to live and your own problems to deal with. You also, no longer have my heart backing you up. I am alone on this journey. You have shown me this. And I am embracing it.

My hubby and I are the bomb. We have more strength in our pinkies than I hope you will ever have to muster in your life.

Thursday, February 28, 2013

Thank You.

Giving gratitude is such a simple act.
Thank you!
That's really all there is to it.
Just turn your head in the direction of that which makes you smile and say
Thank you!
Is the sun shining?
Are the clouds acting as a blanket over your head, keeping things warm for a spell?
Is the rain dancing to the ground creating pools of puddles waiting for you to splash about?
Why not look up and say
Thank you!
Have you had a terrible day?
Been diagnosed with a life changing disease?
Confronted with another BFN that has left you in tears?
Do you feel there is nothing left to be grateful for?
Turn to you friend, blog, religion, family, counselor, pet, plant, bed, a mirror and say
Thank you!
You may be surprised when you realize the quality of the listener you are praising.
We may not be your best friends.
We may not be your preacher.
We may not be your family.
But we are here and we will listen.
We understand frustration, disappointment, giving up, wanting to quit.
Our ears, our eyes, are focused on you.
Our hearts, are with you.
We carry hope for you when you have grown weary.
You are important in this world.
You are doing this 'right'.
You are not too much for me.
Thank you!

Tuesday, February 19, 2013

Grateful choices

Gorgeous morning, beautiful day.
I stopped a creepy dude who was following me and another woman around the lake.  He was questioned by the police. Nice to get the creeps off the street.
Connected with some online friends. I'm really finding their support invaluable.
As I begin this next phase, I am terrified. But I will hold my head high.
I do do have choices. But I don't have time.
I have chosen to be hopeful.  I know this may mean I will lose myself in tears and jerks of terror.
I have chosen to be hopeful.
I have chosen, for today.

Thursday, February 14, 2013

Grateful for your feet

Perfect cherry tomatoes hide in your cheeks
Butterfly eyelashes resting on tan marshmallow skin
A smile that touches my heart

    wrap around my waist
       warm my belly
         tucked over my shoulders forever

    fill the syringe
      hold my hope
        and my weakness

    walk me to each appointment
       carry my dread
         lead me forward   

    picks up my days of low
       creates new memories
          reminds me I'm not alone

Stone strong buns
I am grateful for those fabulous feet!
The man who kissed me 19 years ago, today.

Tuesday, February 12, 2013

Grateful For ...

It's getting easier.  The last two weeks have been quite a struggle on many levels, but I am happy to state that I am holding it together!  Others would bitch and moan if they were dealing with what I have to each day.  Every angle of my life has truly fallen apart, and here I stand on both feet. I may cry every day and feel my heart breaking, but I fu@king stand up every morning and face my life. 

I am sure that is more than what most people do.

Yes, I am grateful for being me.

Thursday, January 31, 2013

Grateful for Time - and what I've learned this month

It's been a while since I've come right out with what I am grateful for in my post. I needed some time to vent. This year didn't kick off the way I would have preferred. But what does happen the way we imagine it, right?

My loss at the beginning of the year was and in some ways still is a very deep shattering sorrow that I am slowly moving past.  Everyone reacts differently to stresses in their lives. I have been one to keep my medical problems to my self. Never felt it was important to share my troubles with others. I enjoy being a sympathetic ear, a beacon of light that helped others through their dark days always standing tall and holding shoulders when they would fall in tears. 

What have I learned in January of 2013? I learned that time doesn't heal all things - but the distance that can make it easier to move forward.  Taking time to grieve, to laugh to rest, to do, to not do - you get what I'm saying. Taking time to just feel what you are feeling is refreshing.  Earlier this month I experienced tears, pain, fits of laughter and moments of silence. I judged my healing process, I judged how others handled my process. I think one of the most important things I did for myself, was to give myself the gift of a simple moment. Time.  

I am really growing up -  my fears and doubts and optimisim are being given this gift of time - to be fully expressed.  I am sleeping throughout the night. I even DREAM.  I am finding true freedom in welcoming this gift of a ticking clock. It's not an enemy today. Today, it is my mentor.

My time to parent is coming, I am preparing the best I can.  

Saturday, January 26, 2013

uncomfortable with my self.

i felt so sick last night.  i had a temp of 100, chills and more. something is twitching and i am feeling low again. my brother and his wife had their baby this week.  i am truly happy for them although i can't help myself in feeling jealous, make that sad for myself, not jealous.  we have been trying longer than they have been dating. life isn't fair. that doesn't help. i am so completely alone. my poor hubby wants so badly to support my stupid mood swings, which helps most of the times.  but these really low days there is absolutely nothing, and i mean nothing that pulls me out but time.  so here i sit, hoping time will pass quickly and i will feel like living again.

i'm not done with the roller coaster. it's mid-cycle and that's me thinking optimistically.  my life as i thought it would be is over. forever over.  i only feel i can freely share my feelings on this anonymous blog, which always seems to be so negative. i get down on myself for writing how i am feeling and then rereading it later only to judge myself for writing my truth.  i am so uncomfortable with myself.  i have lost everything that keeps momentum.

Thursday, January 24, 2013

what do you think people would say to you if you were paraplegic instead of infertile? (author unknown)

One of my wonderful support ladies from the online forum posted this and I can't help but share it with all of you!

what do you think people would say to you if you were paraplegic instead of infertile? (author unknown)

It's a very different disease this IF - But this post made me laugh and feel validated that I'm not a mutant, un-loved by the Universe/God, forgotten, unlucky, doing all the wrong things. I'm just a woman who wants to start a family and is having to do a bit more than most people to reach that end.
So grateful for smart people who share their brilliance like the post below!
-xo, gracie

Oh, the place we go..

what do you think people would say to you if you were paraplegic instead of infertile? (author unknown)

1. As soon as you buy a wheelchair, I bet you'll be able to walk again!

2. You can't use your legs? Boy, I wish I was paralyzed. I get so tired of walking, and if I were paralyzed I wouldn't have to walk anywhere!

3. My cousin was paralyzed but she started shaving her legs in the other direction and she could walk again. You should try that.

4. I guess God just didn't mean for you to be able to walk.

5. Oh, I know exactly how you feel, because I have an ingrown toenail.

6. Sorry, we don't cover treatment for paraplegia, because it's not a life-threatening illness.

7. So... when are *you* going to start walking?

8. Oh, I have just the opposite problem. I have to walk walk walk - everywhere I go!

9. But don't you *want* to walk?

10. You're just trying too hard. Relax and you'll be able to walk.

11. You're so lucky... think of the money you save on shoes.

12. I don't know why you're being so selfish. You should at least be happy that *I* can walk.

13. I hope you don't try those anti-paralysis drugs. They sometimes make people run too fast and they get hurt.

14. Look at those people hiking... doesn't that make you want to hike?

15. Just relax, you'll be walking in no time.

16. Oh do my legs hurt, I was walking and walking and going up and down the stairs all day.

17. I broke my leg skiing, and was on crutches for weeks, and was worried I'd have a permanent limp, but I'm 100% healed.

18. I'd ask you to be in my wedding party but the wheelchair will look out of place at the altar.

19. You're being selfish, not coming on the hike with us, and looking at all of my track & field trophies.

20. Don't complain, you get all the good parking places.

21. If you just lose weight your legs will work again.

22. If you would just have more sex, you could walk!

23. You don't know how to walk? What's wrong with you? Here let a real man show you how to walk!

24. You are just trying too hard to walk. Give up, and then you'll walk.

25. Here, touch my legs, then you'll walk!

26. Just take a vacation, and the stress-break will be sure to get you walking!

27. When *we* were young we only had to worry about having to walk too much.

28. And I bet a paraplegic going to a bookstore doesn't find books about paralysis stacked next to all the books on running...

So here's a little hint. If someone you know tells you that she's trying to get pregnant and it's taking longer than expected, DON'T tell her to just relax. Don't tell her to adopt and then surely she'll get pregnant with her own child. Don't tell her that God has a plan for her. Don't say, "At least it's fun trying!" Scheduling sex with the person you love isn't fun. Getting vaginal ultrasounds every other day and intramuscular injections in your ass twice a day isn't fun. Finding out every single month that - yet again - it didn't work this month either is Just. Not. Fun.

DO tell her that you're sorry she's going through such pain/grief/frustration. Do tell her that you're glad she told you. Do tell her that, even if you don't bring it up (because you want to respect her privacy and understand that she might not feel like talking about it sometimes), that you're there for her if she ever wants to talk or vent.

And DON'T feel that because she told you that it's okay for you to tell your other friends, children, co-workers, neighbors, cousins, mailman, whomever - unless she tells you that it's okay to do so. Your need to share news pales in comparison to her need to maintain a shred of privacy and dignity.
-author unknown (if I knew who they were, I'd give them huge props and hugs and thanks for putting this down to share!)

Monday, January 21, 2013

can you make your own hope?

i'm just angry. every turn has been the "wrong" direction.  I continue to grieve the one thing my body doesn't seem to allow. ... after this m/c i thought we would just move along, that it was a sign of hope that at least i was able to get one BFP. i don't have to decide right now. i can make a decision tomorrow. but i'm scared of what that requires.

I didn't expect a chemical m/c to hurt so much. to take such a toll on me emotionally and physically. i didn't think I was pregnant "enough" for my body to be reacting like this. it just really sucks. and i am having a hard time finding hope. every time i think i am moving forward, i run into a setback. i get a new diagnosis of something else that's wrong with me. i have to find it in me to hold steady and face another day. 

i know i can. i know i have to. i have to make my own hope.

Friday, January 18, 2013

Grateful for who I am

I had a great realization yesterday thanks to DH and my brother. I am grateful for who I am.
I came to realize that my long standing desire to connect and stay connected with so many people in my life is MY personality. Not the personality of those I love and care for. So there is no reason for me to feel upset if they don't share my desire for connection. This has given me such a relief. I probably knew this at some earlier point in my life, but yesterday it all became  'okay'.

I texted my brother asking if I should apologize to my family for something I must have done which has caused them to be very stand-offish with me. For a number of years, as I moved back to the same state most of them live in, I have called, sent cards, delivered flowers or gifts in celebration of their birthdays etc. I would try my best to attend all my niece and nephew birthdays and do my social rounds with my siblings. But the funny thing is, my siblings didn't seem to want to engage in social activities with me.  At first, I thought it was because I had lived far away for a long time, but I soon began to think it was me. That I had done something to offend my family and so I did what I thought anyone in that situation would do... I tried to 'fix' it.  After years of emails, conversations at these family gatherings and even text message hellos I received nothing in the form of a 'relationship' with most of my siblings.  But during this time, I have become closest with two of my brothers who I think hold onto our relationship in strong part because I have been so resistant to let it fall aside.  I realize today that I am a social being. I love my family. I love having friends and getting to know the people I share this world with. I also am one of those people who take the extra step to 'keep in touch'. I don't think of this as a fault. I am now aware that it is part of what makes me who I am. That special something that I created all my own, not given be my birth family. It is something I should celebrate and share (wisely). ;)

Sunday, January 13, 2013

real vs. virtual

Real life exists with me putting up a smile and acting like I'm not offended by everyday comments.
truth is, I am offended.  I am hurt. I do want to slap you across the face for saying those words.
But that is only in my virtual world.  In my real life I will laugh at jokes. I won't even blink when you complain about how tough your life is with your kids.  I'll just empathize.  I'll keep my one glass of wine all night.  I will continue to pretend that I trust that you will keep my secret safe, even when it has become obvious that you have shared my struggle with the new friends at the party.  Will I forgive you?   In the real world it may seem that way. But my virtual self has kicked your ass out of the game and banned you for life.

what am I grateful for?

Monday, January 7, 2013

Grateful for Crap TV

Ugh, lost it.

You tell me this is common
But this is the first it's happened to me
It still hurts
You told me to expect it

Said may be a chance for change
I wanted it so badly
But things remained the same

I feel numb
I feel sad
I feel ready to start again
I feel dumb

I don't want to ask Why
but all I'm thinking is, Why?

What do you do when something like this happens?
Zone out to crap TV
Which marathon do I join?
Sex and the City or Being Human

Sunday, January 6, 2013

Grateful for ...

One more day until the next beta.
less than 24 hours now.
I am hoping for the best
pleading for the best
wishing for the best

curious why I had to wait a week
will my number double
have i done this wrong
have i done this right?

Wednesday, January 2, 2013

Grateful for - a positive being a positive

Hey gang,

I hope you all had a great New Year's!

Mine was a mixed bag. I had a baseline US scheduled for Sunday, went in on CD2 (or so I thought) and cysts were found. Not one or two but a bundle of them and they were huge. So, of course the technician tells me we will likely not be starting this cycle and that we may not even have to do blood work.  But low and behold, my RE suggested we do an estrodial check. I find out later on Sunday that that E2 is super high (115). The nurse tells me they want to do a blood pregnancy test, just in case. 

Monday rolls around and it's New Year's Eve - I'm planning to have a couple drinks, since I was under the impression my cycle was screwed but then I get the phone call. 
"We did the blood test and there's a very faint positive, you are pregnant. However, it's so low we are not very confident it will be viable."  So, of course I ask what the number was, what does this mean and where do I go from here?  She says, "it will likely resolve on it's own. The RE thinks an embryo tried to implant but didn't stick.  However, it's possible that you didn't ovulate when we did the trigger shot so this may be a very early testing of a positive pregnancy, and then the bad side would be that this could be an ectopic pregnancy.  We want to schedule you for another blood test next week to keep an eye on this to see it go back down to 0. Then we will discuss if we can move forward with your next cycle."

That's when I took a breathe.  So to wrap this up - basically she's telling me after all these years I get a positive - and it's not really a positive, positive.  I know I can look at this like another stab in the heart (which it is, believe me) or I can consider this a somewhat positive sign that at least I finally got a positive. But what does that mean? I still have issues and I can only hope that this cycle will shed light on some other option that may help us start our family.  I decided to fake the rest of the day not focusing on what was going on in my uterus. I talked my way out of oysters and champagne and toasted 2013 with bubbly water, not once mentioning to our close friends what we were going through.

Part of me really hopes I am a surprise case of "ovulated after the trigger" and am starting a healthy full term pregnancy. And part of me is preparing for the sadness that will inevitably set in if the test comes back negative - or even not conclusive, meaning I may have an ectopic.  There are so many 'what if's' running through my head. Seeing into the future would be really beneficial about now!