Thursday, April 26, 2012
I couldn't sleep last night. as in I have been awake since 12:30am this morning. I took a 1.5 hr nap on the couch before waking but never got back to sleep. I started work at 3:15am this morning. decided I was done at 3:45pm. now I'm trying to take a nap before yoga. wish me luck?
Monday, April 23, 2012
"your emergency is not my emergency" I just read this quote on another blog I follow. it strikes me as very appropriate as a way to deal with disappointments in relationships. I often get frustrated with friends because they seem to include me when they are having problems in their lives. but when things go well, the calls and e-mails stop. I guess this is because I have always been super empathetic. I want to help those hurt. the challenge is, I usually don't reach out when I have problems. I don't want to bother anyone. so I don't say anything. my emergency may not be theirs, but I tend to make theirs my own. and this has already begun to change... what? is this something positive coming from my struggle with IF? ;) with my IF journey I first kept everything a secret. then months passed and I finally let the secret out to people I 'thought' would KNOW how to help me through. unfortunately, one of my friends, who I have known a long time, just kinda let me go. I reached out a few weeks later to see if we could get together and she never responded. I figure she would prefer to be my friend when the issues are only about her. so I have finally let go as well. a couple other friends have kept up with me in more positive ways, encouraging me to talk about how i feel and then just replying with acceptance on whatever is going on. this has proven a great way to keep my friendships alive. :) my emergency isn't theirs, but these women are taking a step with me. by allowing me to share my anxiety, fears and humor with this diagnosis and all the strange proceedures I've chosen to try. these women allow me to have my own emergency, but have let me know that they love and support my decisions. they remnd me there is no right or wrong, things just are and may be resolved in time, one way or the other. i am so lucky to have found soul sisters who are teaching me this very precious lesson. for those who may have friends going through IF, just listening and sharing a tea is often enough. we don't need advice unless specifically requested. these days I am still more selective with who I will share this journey with (in the real world) but the important lesson I've learned is that I can still share my journey with new people and don't have to hold any regrets.
Sunday, April 22, 2012
it's been a long time baby!! well, I've been very busy in my world of being grateful. however, over the last ten months I found out that all my efforts of trying to conceive a child with my dearest husband has been for naught. it's taken me a while to feel comfortable to post this here. I was diagnosed with diminished ovarian reserve (DOR). it sucks. it really sucks. this means my ovaries are about 10-15 years older than what is concidered "normal" for my age. I could go into the details of my sadness and denial and medical attempts to reverse this, but not now. for now i'm just going to put it out here, in the bloggisphere: I have to deal with infertility as my reality and it blows. will I find grace and gratitude in this journey? so far they have been elusive. my faith in the future has definitely wained. i've started with a new mental therapist to help me through this journey. my greatest gratitude has been a website for others like me. we write each other daily. we know each others medicine, routines, proceedure, and handles but not each others names or faces. we suffer together online, but alone in our homes. the few friends and family I've told thus far have been ok. most don't know how to listen. they think god will take care of it, or just need to relax, work less and then somehow ill get pregnant for free. it's nice that they get to live so ignorantly. I do wish that would come true for me. but it's more likely going to take a boatload of money and rounds of medications and possibly years for me to get what others seem to achieve "out back behind the middle school to get (me) pregnant". if only it could be that easy for me Tracy Jordan-30 Rock ;)