Thursday, November 22, 2012

Happy Thanksgiving

It's that time of year -  when we share our gratitude with the world.  Below is my top 10 list - what's yours?

I wish you all the warmest Thanksgiving holiday!!

Gratitude List - 2012
this year I give thanks for:

  1. my husband - for his love, his strength in this time or sorrow, his hugs, humor, his cherry-tomato cheeks and for his lifelong companionship 
  2. my dog - for her beautiful sleeping smiles, her calming breath, her acceptance, her sleep running, her ever forgiving embrace and the way she holds my hands with her paws
  3. my parents - you have no idea that I am fighting this battle, above all else this is the hardest part of our relationship. I want more than anything to let you in and get your support but I know you have your own struggles and lives that don't need to be soured by my problems. I thank you for becoming DH and my friends. We value every minute we get to spend together, every meal we get to share, every flower we send each other. 
  4. my family that are truly friends - for always sending a reply to my texts, always sharing your home with us, opening your arms and hearts to us even when we are too emotional to explain what's gone awry
  5. my friends - who walk with me, talk with me, introduce me to new options, empower me to feel the strength in sharing my life and listen to my soul and remind me that I DO matter
  6. my opinions - it's been a lot of years that I kept you quiet. I make an effort each day to now allow you to run wild. I owe you an apology for being so scared to be wrong.  You above all are a purpose driven emotion and in this stage of my life I respect you more than ever
  7. my fears - we have had a chance to really get to know each other lately. Although we are not out of the woods yet, you have guided me, challenged me, taken over and moved aside. I look forward to a future where you no longer need to protect me and take such prevalence in my life
  8. my crockpot - for giving me something new to learn, to get creative and to be nourished
  9. my blog - for creating an outlet where I feel free to speak my mind, anonymously whether I am having a good day or bad. For teaching me that getting negative thoughts out of my head can be healing. For giving me a responsibility when I had lost all desire to get up in the morning.
  10. my hope - that I will have more to be grateful for next year 

Monday, November 19, 2012

How do you choose your path?

How do you choose your path?

Survey the Options
Surveying the Options
Well, went back to the new RE today - he reviewed my US findings. He's compassionate and soft in his recommendations - aggressive IUI, IVF w/ICSI or if desired DE IVF.  Leaving it up to us to decide what next step we want to take.

Odds per Option:
  • 10% > IUI w/aggressive drug treatment
  • 18% > IVF w/ICSI w/aggressive drug treatment
  • 80% > DE IVF
Can you guess which is the most expensive?

Grateful that I had more than a year to digest these options and had a job so I can actually consider these options.  How do you even begin to consider the factors to make a decision?

Saturday, November 17, 2012

Grateful for heartache

Came across this article the other day - just as I was thinking of giving up.

How to Let Your Purpose Find You - by Umair Haque

Well, maybe not giving up, but throwing in the towel. You see, I believe there is a difference. I will never give up hope that we can build a family. It's just that things have gotten to a point where the reality has sunk in that in order to create this family, I need to be ready for a hefty payment. On the one hand, I can should be feeling thankful that I may just be able to afford the payment. On the other hand, I can't help but wonder what could have come of the monies if we could just conceive on our own? 

I mean, isn't the typical or ideal situation that you save up a little "maybe baby nest egg"? You set aside some money to pay for all the doctor appointments that occur during pregnancy? A little aside to paint a room in your home to make a lovely nursery? A little something to buy the stretchy clothes that are sold in those special Maternity stores? Not to mention to buy the newborn diapers and clothes and pumps and bottles etc?  And where will the money come from when we DO conceive? We will still have to create a nursery, wear clothes and change diapers.  Ask anyone you know - I bet you won't find a single person tell you that they saved for a "possible infertility nest egg"!

"immerse yourself in stuff that makes you hurt, ache — that maybe even makes your heart break a little bit (or a lot). You're feeling the stirrings of empathy — and purpose, Big Love, needs Big Empathy like the river flows to the sea." Umair Haque

You see, I get to endure month after month filled with reminders that my body was attacked by this disease without any signs, symptoms or test results. It all happened out of chance. Or so says one of my doctors.  I have a disease that isn't covered by health insurance. I have a disease that many people think if I just 'relax' it will heal itself.  I have a disease that isn't acceptable to talk about.  Even when I do reach the other side, and start my family, it won't be acceptable to talk about this disease.  I have a disease that has no clear cure. I am asked to replace myself in order to heal.  And to me - that is heartache. This is the gut wrenching pain that Umair Haque writes about in his article. 

Umair writes about choosing to live in the heartbreak. About how taking the long road gives you experiences - including failures - which may just isolate what is most important in you. He writes about Living Little: taking time to notice moments, images, sound bites.  All those tiny pieces that add up to the whole picture of things. He believes that in the midst of heartache, pain, suffering, living off the gut; our purpose will find us.  And through this we will come to understand ourselves in a way that will make us feel just that little bit more together, more connected, more whole.

Well, here I am in the midst of the deepest pain and heartache I've encountered in all my life. I am Living Little with Big Love. I am stirring in empathy and saying "Hello" to purpose.

Tuesday, November 6, 2012

My needs vs. my wants

I can't believe it. my cycles are getting shorter. This is a cruel f'ing joke. I am reminded time and again that this isn't my fault. But how am I supposed to believe that when my body defies me each and every day?

On top of treatment I am spending a lot on trying to find mental peace with this disease. I'm not sure there is peace. I am not sure I can calm myself from this storm.  You don't know what it is like, you don't understand. And no, I don't want to hear how sorry you are or how you know this women who had a similar situation but she kept positive and that is why she got her family started more quickly than me.  Life sucks.

 I am being punished for something - perhaps for believing in morales that told me to be in love, married, financially and mentally prepared to bring a new life into this world.  I did just that, never cheated on my husband, he never did me. Never stole or cheated in our careers. I volunteered my time to help others. We both sought counseling via books and others to decrease the chaos of our upbringing and reach a place of stability and adulthood.  And so we began our turn to build a family. and now this. More than two years has gone by and I am only filled with more pain and anxiety that is likely messing up my cycle.  This isn't fair. This isn't right.  I don't want to associate with family or friends over the holidays. It is too painful.  They can't understand the dynamic of pain and anxiety we go through, daily.   I need a break.  I want a pregnancy.  I need to take care of my mental health.  I want to let go.  I need to be here for my husband.  I want us to steal away and never return to this life of suffering. I need to rest.  I have to live my life.

Monday, November 5, 2012


  • When do I get to post about something happy and exciting?
  • When will I get to say, wow - what a great day today has been?
  • When will I feel like I am awesome and finally have some positive mojo in my favor?
  • How long will I have to keep "faking it until I make it" with the online friends who are now posting pictures of their second new babies?
  • Will I ever tell any of my sisters how painful my life is because I don't have kids for their kids to play with?
  • Will I ever feel comfortable with myself in a public place where kids are allowed?

I wish I could share my disease with everyone the way someone with Cancer, MS, or even a pregnancy gets to share it with the world around them. People often feel sympathy when they know someone is going through one of those experiences. But only a few people know what I'm going through and many of those that do know can only say, "oh it'll happen, just relax" like it's not a life altering diagnosis.  I likely won't die from my disease or give birth at the end of 9 months. I have a disease that no one wants to talk about. It makes people uncomfortable to discuss. Many respond as though it isn't a disease, like it's a temporary condition. Well, it's not. It is a disease and it will be a part of me for the rest of my life. I am now defined in part by this disease - just like a Cancer patient, a MS patient and those 9 months of a pregnancy not to mention the lifetime of parenthood afterward - only most of the people I know/meet for the rest of my life will never know how I struggle. This isn't a disease I can bring up as an example of how I overcame a personal challenge in a job interview, this isn't a disease that I can run a 5K to raise money for my own procedures. Hell, there's very few fundraisers that do much in helping to pay bills of those of us with IF. It's a disease that insurance companies call 'elective' to treat.

I can't imagine ever feeling okay about any of the above. 

I just switched doctors - the new doctor is hopeful that he may be able to help us get and stay pregnant, but like everyone else, he doesn't have a cure. I would like to say that I am hopeful. But who knows.  I am optimistic, maybe for my husband's sake.

I would like to have a normal day.

I am grateful that I have a blog to put my thoughts in the universe.