Sunday, October 18, 2015

Catching up

Wow, so I just published a post that I started more than a year ago.

It has been difficult.  At that point I was so excited, we had transferred again and had the start of a little one grow inside.  When I wrote, I didn't know that the twins would be less difficult to experience as that most recent pregnancy.  We had our little girl through to the second trimester.  I thought babies were supposed to be in the clear when you made it past 14 weeks. But our little one didn't make it.  That was a fourth loss in too close a time.

With time we readied ourselves to try again, only this time we had very glum expectations.  But thankfully we were surprised. The weeks kept passing and our baby kept fighting to grow and be with us. We still had some complications that took my full attention and I resigned from a great job to focus on the pregnancy and being healthy and reduced in stress.  Last Spring our fantastic rainbow girl was born!

She is everything in our world.  Beautiful. Hilarious. Inspiring. Fun. Smart. Athletic. And she's only a few months old!! The life with IF hasn't changed.  I still hate LUVs commercials.  Fertile soil still piss me off.  I still wish and wonder if we will be able to have a second.  We both nearly didn't make it through the birth, but in the end, we did.  We made it.  We are a family.  In a way all we have gone through is over.  I have her in my arms, on my breast, sleeping beside me.  But the part of me that has struggled for all these years and lived so long wondering....what if?  Is still working on accepting this new lifestyle.  We are moving to a new home soon.  In a neighborhood with children.  We kept ourselves from this kind of interaction for years because the idea of being surrounded by fertiles scared me so much.  Now here we are, seemingly one of them.  We know the length it has taken to get here...and I sometimes feel like a fraud, like I should be carrying a load of struggle on my shoulders still.  But I know I also deserve to enjoy the moment without that backpack of fear, sadness and depression.  We have made it through a terrible time of fear, and our little baby is the lightness in a world that has been so heavy for so long.

I love her with every part of my being, and I am so grateful.

I may start changing this blog if I continue to write.  I want to focus on how I can help myself and others and enjoy the love and life with my daughter.  Wow, my daughter.  Some day I'd like to share this with her and let her peek into how much her parents fought to become the family we are today.  I hope she will teach us to start anew and let trauma pass and allow happiness to fill in those dark spaces.

Until next post....xoxox

Sharing with strangers to survive.

Grieving again.
We made it all the way to 14 weeks before our little girl had to let go.

This year has been filled with exciting moments.
We found out our first FET was successful. First beta was nearly 400!
  • We were excited - is this really happening?
Second beta more than doubled!
  • I remember crying as I asked the nurse if she really thought our pregnancy might stick? She said, yes
Our RE said we wouldn't need a third! Come back in 2 weeks for 1st US - which looked normal.
Then, our 2nd US was considered 'normal' but we left with a recommendation to have another in 3 weeks.
  • I thought, yeah, they are releasing us to an OB/Midwife - this must mean we are on our way and not in danger of another loss.
We decided not to share any of our excitement with most of our friends or family. We did shared it with one family member and 3 good friends.
  • PTSD of recurring losses - prepped us...

Saturday, January 11, 2014

New Year, New Beginnings! New waiting cycles.

There are many difficult things to deal with when you have IF.  One of the most frustrating, are the waiting games.  When will my cycle start, will they find cysts? Will my E2 be at the right level? Will my lining measure up? Did an embryo implant? Is my beta doubling?  And on, and on.

So right now, I am in a one week waiting cycle to find out if I am ready for the 5 day waiting cycle to have my FET, so I can begin a two week wait to see if our little embryo has implanted.  Then begins a cycle of 3 day waiting periods where I will have my beta checked again and again with the hopes the HcG numbers continue to rise.  If I pass all those waiting games, then it wait for 10 weeks to end and with it my PIO shots, then another two weeks before we will be able to share our news with the chosen few!  After that, I hear some women actually go on to have about 28 more weeks of waiting until their baby is born!!!  Am I getting ahead of myself, perhaps.  But after all these years of waiting, this may be the closet shot I have to ever experiencing a healthy pregnancy, so I think I have earned the right to be ahead of myself a bit. :)

As you can see the waiting cycles are endless and will make the most zen Buddha anxious! 

But here I am, we are, at the edge of our  real life sci-fi adventure to create our beautiful family.  I've got my fingers and toes crossed that we will make it happen this month.   I do have some doubts, but for now, I am choosing to be optimistic and inspired by all we have done to get to this point,  we have done the homework, the heavy lifting, paid the enormous fees, developed the emotional balance to come to terms with all that we have lost, and we see all that we may gain.  

We enter these weeks with hope.  Ready to accept whatever comes of all we have out on the line.  We are as ready as we will ever be!

Embracing a New day and a New Year!!

Wednesday, December 11, 2013

Yesterday, Today, and Tomorrow

Wow! Where to begin...?

Huge next step just happened.

I've been licking my wounds from our losses. Then we lost or beloved fur-baby just after Thanksgiving. Hubs and I grieved, wailed for days. She was our everything for 10 whole years and she had a full 16 and a half years of a beautiful life.

This week - we began creating new life...

22 eggs were retrieved
18 were mature
18 fertilized!!!

Now we wait as our 'Posse' (possibilities) chill out on their incubation-vacation.  Sunday, the lab-gods will take a peek and if we are lucky we will have a good number of embies to freeze for our FET in January.
My nurse said we should expect to lose about half of these as they grow and double to 100 cell blasts. Please keep us in your thoughts and fingers crossed that we get a great crew as we head toward the next step in this crazy, out of this world, sci-fi process. :)

I get to share my woo-hoo again to make sure I am no longer hiding 'pregnancy matter' in there.  I think I'm going to pass that test, but we'll see. Those two little twins really wanted to hang on. (and to be honest, I was totally rooting for them)

Wednesday, November 20, 2013

Been a while...

It's been a while since I've had the guts to blog.
Since last time, I lost our beautiful twins.
There isn't much more to say than that is the most horrific experience of all this IF.
There are no words of support for myself or my hubs.
We have been trying to put our pieces back together.
It's not easy.
We are going to go away for a spell.
To try and learn how to celebrate something again.
We are both, forever changed.
We are at the end of our rope.
We are trying our best to be the best for each other.
When we fail at this, our worlds come tumbling down, again.
It stinks.
We are looking for moments to laugh.
Moments to reflect that life has taken a break from shitting on us.
We are tired of being down.
We are tired of being.
Focusing on the moments - is that all there is?
Why don't we get to focus on the big picture, like so many others?
Why don't we get a break?
We have a 'plan'.
We hope it will work.
It's not ideal.
But it's what we have to work with.
Wishing all of you a love filled Thanksgiving.
Please be good to your selves.

Thursday, October 10, 2013

Promise for the future

Promise me, if I ever get and hold a pregnancy, to never, ever, EVER let me buy Luvs!?!

The 'second baby' campaign stings me every time. I realize I'm sensitive because of what I'm going through.

Hell, I just hate everyone and everything right now. Just all out mad.

Even so, because of this series of commercials in 2013, I don't ever want to support that company. Ever.

that. it. all.

Friday, October 4, 2013

A day to remember

I needed a day.

Yesterday's US showed such little growth.
My little guys are not coming as soon as I hoped for.

Yes, I'm sad about it. But I also know that I have done EVERYTHING possible to keep these little guys comfy and given them time to grow.  It just wasn't enough to change the situation.  I am not looking forward to the day they pass from me.  I am grateful that I had the opportunity to carry them for this brief time. I will forever remember them and this experience.

And I also know I will need to move on. I must believe that there will be a time when a new little one will be growing inside and with luck, they'll continue to grow strong and healthy and will make it through to spend a lifetime in my arms and receive my unconditional love.

Yes, today is still difficult. Losing a pregnancy sucks. Losing twins is cruel. I'm not the first, nor will I be the last mom-to-be who will have to travel this road. 

I'm forever grateful I kept this secret from most of those in my real life.