Grateful for heartache

Came across this article the other day - just as I was thinking of giving up.

How to Let Your Purpose Find You - by Umair Haque

Well, maybe not giving up, but throwing in the towel. You see, I believe there is a difference. I will never give up hope that we can build a family. It's just that things have gotten to a point where the reality has sunk in that in order to create this family, I need to be ready for a hefty payment. On the one hand, I can should be feeling thankful that I may just be able to afford the payment. On the other hand, I can't help but wonder what could have come of the monies if we could just conceive on our own? 

I mean, isn't the typical or ideal situation that you save up a little "maybe baby nest egg"? You set aside some money to pay for all the doctor appointments that occur during pregnancy? A little aside to paint a room in your home to make a lovely nursery? A little something to buy the stretchy clothes that are sold in those special Maternity stores? Not to mention to buy the newborn diapers and clothes and pumps and bottles etc?  And where will the money come from when we DO conceive? We will still have to create a nursery, wear clothes and change diapers.  Ask anyone you know - I bet you won't find a single person tell you that they saved for a "possible infertility nest egg"!

"immerse yourself in stuff that makes you hurt, ache — that maybe even makes your heart break a little bit (or a lot). You're feeling the stirrings of empathy — and purpose, Big Love, needs Big Empathy like the river flows to the sea." Umair Haque

You see, I get to endure month after month filled with reminders that my body was attacked by this disease without any signs, symptoms or test results. It all happened out of chance. Or so says one of my doctors.  I have a disease that isn't covered by health insurance. I have a disease that many people think if I just 'relax' it will heal itself.  I have a disease that isn't acceptable to talk about.  Even when I do reach the other side, and start my family, it won't be acceptable to talk about this disease.  I have a disease that has no clear cure. I am asked to replace myself in order to heal.  And to me - that is heartache. This is the gut wrenching pain that Umair Haque writes about in his article. 

Umair writes about choosing to live in the heartbreak. About how taking the long road gives you experiences - including failures - which may just isolate what is most important in you. He writes about Living Little: taking time to notice moments, images, sound bites.  All those tiny pieces that add up to the whole picture of things. He believes that in the midst of heartache, pain, suffering, living off the gut; our purpose will find us.  And through this we will come to understand ourselves in a way that will make us feel just that little bit more together, more connected, more whole.

Well, here I am in the midst of the deepest pain and heartache I've encountered in all my life. I am Living Little with Big Love. I am stirring in empathy and saying "Hello" to purpose.