Another year of being Grateful

My birthday kicked the can the other day and I have to say, realizing that I've gone four years of wishing for 'baby' on my birthday cake with nothing to show for it is pretty sad.  Okay, yeah I'm sad. What else is new? I've been on this same f'ing journey and turning to blogging and posting on forums to give my self a chance to let out how much confusion and downright anger that I feel since beginning a journey to mommy-hood.

I even titled my blog something completely different so I wouldn't 'dwell' in the sadness that has become my mind since month after month of reliving a failure that I feel I have no control over - even though I imagine I am doing everything under the sun to prepare me to be ready to deliver my own son/daughter.   But I wait. And I wait. And I tell one friend a 'highlight' of what I've been going through since the last time we got together - you know, "So I'm still taking these herbs, and going to acupuncture weekly and keeping my diet in line with what the doctor has asked. I still use only organic soaps, only glass Tupperware and have air filters throughout the house. I still do fertility yoga, walk as much as I can. Meditate, rest, and have been getting a solid 5+ hours of sleep a night. More that I can ever remember getting as an adult. And yes, I had my hormones tested again and they are indeed getting to a more 'normal' range. And yes, my RE will not do procedures with my genetics unless my hormones are in a solid 'normal' range. And yes, I do still somehow keep my spirits up as much as possible. And yes, I'm still not pregnant."

So I focus on what I am grateful for: 

• My beautiful dog. she just turned 15! that's something to be grateful for.
• My adoring husband.  He has come a long way on this journey, and the hardships have really brought us closer.
• That I have a job. It's by far not my dream job, but it is, a job.
• That two of my brother's are understanding and compassionate about my situation.  This comes with some sadness, as telling them what I'm going through made more tears in their eyes than mine.
• That I have a strong and caring Acupuncturist/Chinese Herbalist who specializes in Fertility who believes that I will carry my own babies full term. I wish I could have such faith in my future.
• The fun ladies on Resolve, who keep me smiling and crying at all the right times. They reach out a helping hand to all of us who read & post.

 It's such a lonely road, this IF.  I find myself afraid to share too much with those that know, and afraid to share anything with those who don't.  It's like fighting a secret battle that affects everything I do in a day.  I'd like to grab a cocktail with friends after work. I'd like to continue training for marathons.  I'd like to go to Disneyland with my hubby, but all the kids there will remind me of what we lack. I'd like to feel comfortable with my family, but there are 20 nieces and nephews. I am the only sibling without kids. My sisters don't invite me and my husband to their joint family vacations. Because we don't have a 'family'.  They think I'm selfish, they think I choose this life.  They treat me different.  They will never know the truth, because they have been so hurtful.   They don't accept me or support me and that too makes me sad.

So I must look at my list above and remind myself why I started this blog. To be grateful. To recognize all that is in this life to celebrate.