Thursday, January 31, 2013

Grateful for Time - and what I've learned this month

It's been a while since I've come right out with what I am grateful for in my post. I needed some time to vent. This year didn't kick off the way I would have preferred. But what does happen the way we imagine it, right?

My loss at the beginning of the year was and in some ways still is a very deep shattering sorrow that I am slowly moving past.  Everyone reacts differently to stresses in their lives. I have been one to keep my medical problems to my self. Never felt it was important to share my troubles with others. I enjoy being a sympathetic ear, a beacon of light that helped others through their dark days always standing tall and holding shoulders when they would fall in tears. 

What have I learned in January of 2013? I learned that time doesn't heal all things - but the distance that can make it easier to move forward.  Taking time to grieve, to laugh to rest, to do, to not do - you get what I'm saying. Taking time to just feel what you are feeling is refreshing.  Earlier this month I experienced tears, pain, fits of laughter and moments of silence. I judged my healing process, I judged how others handled my process. I think one of the most important things I did for myself, was to give myself the gift of a simple moment. Time.  

I am really growing up -  my fears and doubts and optimisim are being given this gift of time - to be fully expressed.  I am sleeping throughout the night. I even DREAM.  I am finding true freedom in welcoming this gift of a ticking clock. It's not an enemy today. Today, it is my mentor.

My time to parent is coming, I am preparing the best I can.  

Saturday, January 26, 2013

uncomfortable with my self.

i felt so sick last night.  i had a temp of 100, chills and more. something is twitching and i am feeling low again. my brother and his wife had their baby this week.  i am truly happy for them although i can't help myself in feeling jealous, make that sad for myself, not jealous.  we have been trying longer than they have been dating. life isn't fair. that doesn't help. i am so completely alone. my poor hubby wants so badly to support my stupid mood swings, which helps most of the times.  but these really low days there is absolutely nothing, and i mean nothing that pulls me out but time.  so here i sit, hoping time will pass quickly and i will feel like living again.

i'm not done with the roller coaster. it's mid-cycle and that's me thinking optimistically.  my life as i thought it would be is over. forever over.  i only feel i can freely share my feelings on this anonymous blog, which always seems to be so negative. i get down on myself for writing how i am feeling and then rereading it later only to judge myself for writing my truth.  i am so uncomfortable with myself.  i have lost everything that keeps momentum.

Thursday, January 24, 2013

what do you think people would say to you if you were paraplegic instead of infertile? (author unknown)

One of my wonderful support ladies from the online forum posted this and I can't help but share it with all of you!

what do you think people would say to you if you were paraplegic instead of infertile? (author unknown)

It's a very different disease this IF - But this post made me laugh and feel validated that I'm not a mutant, un-loved by the Universe/God, forgotten, unlucky, doing all the wrong things. I'm just a woman who wants to start a family and is having to do a bit more than most people to reach that end.
So grateful for smart people who share their brilliance like the post below!
-xo, gracie

Oh, the place we go..

what do you think people would say to you if you were paraplegic instead of infertile? (author unknown)

1. As soon as you buy a wheelchair, I bet you'll be able to walk again!

2. You can't use your legs? Boy, I wish I was paralyzed. I get so tired of walking, and if I were paralyzed I wouldn't have to walk anywhere!

3. My cousin was paralyzed but she started shaving her legs in the other direction and she could walk again. You should try that.

4. I guess God just didn't mean for you to be able to walk.

5. Oh, I know exactly how you feel, because I have an ingrown toenail.

6. Sorry, we don't cover treatment for paraplegia, because it's not a life-threatening illness.

7. So... when are *you* going to start walking?

8. Oh, I have just the opposite problem. I have to walk walk walk - everywhere I go!

9. But don't you *want* to walk?

10. You're just trying too hard. Relax and you'll be able to walk.

11. You're so lucky... think of the money you save on shoes.

12. I don't know why you're being so selfish. You should at least be happy that *I* can walk.

13. I hope you don't try those anti-paralysis drugs. They sometimes make people run too fast and they get hurt.

14. Look at those people hiking... doesn't that make you want to hike?

15. Just relax, you'll be walking in no time.

16. Oh do my legs hurt, I was walking and walking and going up and down the stairs all day.

17. I broke my leg skiing, and was on crutches for weeks, and was worried I'd have a permanent limp, but I'm 100% healed.

18. I'd ask you to be in my wedding party but the wheelchair will look out of place at the altar.

19. You're being selfish, not coming on the hike with us, and looking at all of my track & field trophies.

20. Don't complain, you get all the good parking places.

21. If you just lose weight your legs will work again.

22. If you would just have more sex, you could walk!

23. You don't know how to walk? What's wrong with you? Here let a real man show you how to walk!

24. You are just trying too hard to walk. Give up, and then you'll walk.

25. Here, touch my legs, then you'll walk!

26. Just take a vacation, and the stress-break will be sure to get you walking!

27. When *we* were young we only had to worry about having to walk too much.

28. And I bet a paraplegic going to a bookstore doesn't find books about paralysis stacked next to all the books on running...

So here's a little hint. If someone you know tells you that she's trying to get pregnant and it's taking longer than expected, DON'T tell her to just relax. Don't tell her to adopt and then surely she'll get pregnant with her own child. Don't tell her that God has a plan for her. Don't say, "At least it's fun trying!" Scheduling sex with the person you love isn't fun. Getting vaginal ultrasounds every other day and intramuscular injections in your ass twice a day isn't fun. Finding out every single month that - yet again - it didn't work this month either is Just. Not. Fun.

DO tell her that you're sorry she's going through such pain/grief/frustration. Do tell her that you're glad she told you. Do tell her that, even if you don't bring it up (because you want to respect her privacy and understand that she might not feel like talking about it sometimes), that you're there for her if she ever wants to talk or vent.

And DON'T feel that because she told you that it's okay for you to tell your other friends, children, co-workers, neighbors, cousins, mailman, whomever - unless she tells you that it's okay to do so. Your need to share news pales in comparison to her need to maintain a shred of privacy and dignity.
-author unknown (if I knew who they were, I'd give them huge props and hugs and thanks for putting this down to share!)

Monday, January 21, 2013

can you make your own hope?

i'm just angry. every turn has been the "wrong" direction.  I continue to grieve the one thing my body doesn't seem to allow. ... after this m/c i thought we would just move along, that it was a sign of hope that at least i was able to get one BFP. i don't have to decide right now. i can make a decision tomorrow. but i'm scared of what that requires.

I didn't expect a chemical m/c to hurt so much. to take such a toll on me emotionally and physically. i didn't think I was pregnant "enough" for my body to be reacting like this. it just really sucks. and i am having a hard time finding hope. every time i think i am moving forward, i run into a setback. i get a new diagnosis of something else that's wrong with me. i have to find it in me to hold steady and face another day. 

i know i can. i know i have to. i have to make my own hope.

Friday, January 18, 2013

Grateful for who I am

I had a great realization yesterday thanks to DH and my brother. I am grateful for who I am.
I came to realize that my long standing desire to connect and stay connected with so many people in my life is MY personality. Not the personality of those I love and care for. So there is no reason for me to feel upset if they don't share my desire for connection. This has given me such a relief. I probably knew this at some earlier point in my life, but yesterday it all became  'okay'.

I texted my brother asking if I should apologize to my family for something I must have done which has caused them to be very stand-offish with me. For a number of years, as I moved back to the same state most of them live in, I have called, sent cards, delivered flowers or gifts in celebration of their birthdays etc. I would try my best to attend all my niece and nephew birthdays and do my social rounds with my siblings. But the funny thing is, my siblings didn't seem to want to engage in social activities with me.  At first, I thought it was because I had lived far away for a long time, but I soon began to think it was me. That I had done something to offend my family and so I did what I thought anyone in that situation would do... I tried to 'fix' it.  After years of emails, conversations at these family gatherings and even text message hellos I received nothing in the form of a 'relationship' with most of my siblings.  But during this time, I have become closest with two of my brothers who I think hold onto our relationship in strong part because I have been so resistant to let it fall aside.  I realize today that I am a social being. I love my family. I love having friends and getting to know the people I share this world with. I also am one of those people who take the extra step to 'keep in touch'. I don't think of this as a fault. I am now aware that it is part of what makes me who I am. That special something that I created all my own, not given be my birth family. It is something I should celebrate and share (wisely). ;)

Sunday, January 13, 2013

real vs. virtual

Real life exists with me putting up a smile and acting like I'm not offended by everyday comments.
truth is, I am offended.  I am hurt. I do want to slap you across the face for saying those words.
But that is only in my virtual world.  In my real life I will laugh at jokes. I won't even blink when you complain about how tough your life is with your kids.  I'll just empathize.  I'll keep my one glass of wine all night.  I will continue to pretend that I trust that you will keep my secret safe, even when it has become obvious that you have shared my struggle with the new friends at the party.  Will I forgive you?   In the real world it may seem that way. But my virtual self has kicked your ass out of the game and banned you for life.

what am I grateful for?

Monday, January 7, 2013

Grateful for Crap TV

Ugh, lost it.

You tell me this is common
But this is the first it's happened to me
It still hurts
You told me to expect it

Said may be a chance for change
I wanted it so badly
But things remained the same

I feel numb
I feel sad
I feel ready to start again
I feel dumb

I don't want to ask Why
but all I'm thinking is, Why?

What do you do when something like this happens?
Zone out to crap TV
Which marathon do I join?
Sex and the City or Being Human

Sunday, January 6, 2013

Grateful for ...

One more day until the next beta.
less than 24 hours now.
I am hoping for the best
pleading for the best
wishing for the best

curious why I had to wait a week
will my number double
have i done this wrong
have i done this right?

Wednesday, January 2, 2013

Grateful for - a positive being a positive

Hey gang,

I hope you all had a great New Year's!

Mine was a mixed bag. I had a baseline US scheduled for Sunday, went in on CD2 (or so I thought) and cysts were found. Not one or two but a bundle of them and they were huge. So, of course the technician tells me we will likely not be starting this cycle and that we may not even have to do blood work.  But low and behold, my RE suggested we do an estrodial check. I find out later on Sunday that that E2 is super high (115). The nurse tells me they want to do a blood pregnancy test, just in case. 

Monday rolls around and it's New Year's Eve - I'm planning to have a couple drinks, since I was under the impression my cycle was screwed but then I get the phone call. 
"We did the blood test and there's a very faint positive, you are pregnant. However, it's so low we are not very confident it will be viable."  So, of course I ask what the number was, what does this mean and where do I go from here?  She says, "it will likely resolve on it's own. The RE thinks an embryo tried to implant but didn't stick.  However, it's possible that you didn't ovulate when we did the trigger shot so this may be a very early testing of a positive pregnancy, and then the bad side would be that this could be an ectopic pregnancy.  We want to schedule you for another blood test next week to keep an eye on this to see it go back down to 0. Then we will discuss if we can move forward with your next cycle."

That's when I took a breathe.  So to wrap this up - basically she's telling me after all these years I get a positive - and it's not really a positive, positive.  I know I can look at this like another stab in the heart (which it is, believe me) or I can consider this a somewhat positive sign that at least I finally got a positive. But what does that mean? I still have issues and I can only hope that this cycle will shed light on some other option that may help us start our family.  I decided to fake the rest of the day not focusing on what was going on in my uterus. I talked my way out of oysters and champagne and toasted 2013 with bubbly water, not once mentioning to our close friends what we were going through.

Part of me really hopes I am a surprise case of "ovulated after the trigger" and am starting a healthy full term pregnancy. And part of me is preparing for the sadness that will inevitably set in if the test comes back negative - or even not conclusive, meaning I may have an ectopic.  There are so many 'what if's' running through my head. Seeing into the future would be really beneficial about now!