I can't believe it. my cycles are getting shorter. This is a cruel f'ing joke. I am reminded time and again that this isn't my fault. But how am I supposed to believe that when my body defies me each and every day?
On top of treatment I am spending a lot on trying to find mental peace with this disease. I'm not sure there is peace. I am not sure I can calm myself from this storm. You don't know what it is like, you don't understand. And no, I don't want to hear how sorry you are or how you know this women who had a similar situation but she kept positive and that is why she got her family started more quickly than me. Life sucks.
I am being punished for something - perhaps for believing in morales that told me to be in love, married, financially and mentally prepared to bring a new life into this world. I did just that, never cheated on my husband, he never did me. Never stole or cheated in our careers. I volunteered my time to help others. We both sought counseling via books and others to decrease the chaos of our upbringing and reach a place of stability and adulthood. And so we began our turn to build a family. and now this. More than two years has gone by and I am only filled with more pain and anxiety that is likely messing up my cycle. This isn't fair. This isn't right. I don't want to associate with family or friends over the holidays. It is too painful. They can't understand the dynamic of pain and anxiety we go through, daily. I need a break. I want a pregnancy. I need to take care of my mental health. I want to let go. I need to be here for my husband. I want us to steal away and never return to this life of suffering. I need to rest. I have to live my life.
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