Grateful for the strength from others

I fell apart today. 

I know the holidays are around the corner. IF has robbed me of my confidence.  I lost my job earlier this year. I gained 15 lbs in about a month.  I can't handle being with family or friends, especially those with children. 

I lost one of my oldest friends - she has 2 kids and once mentioned that a co-worker had a DE and DS IVF and my friend couldn't believe that someone would do that.  I could only reply by saying that when you are stuck with IF, you do what you can afford to become parent. No matter what.  I haven't scheduled a play date with her since.  I'm bitter. She doesn't understand - and really, why should she? It's not fun or glamorous to live with this pain.   I have replaced my years of love and friendship with such judgement and anger. I don't like this part of me. 

I can't truly open up to the few family & friends who tolerate me.   Instead, I beat myself up inside. I am clinging onto the hope that the 'plan' my DH are progressing on will allow us to reach our goal. There are no guarantees. 

I'm lucky to have the most supportive husband in the world. He hasn't left me, in fact he reminds me how lucky he feels to be in this life with me, all the time.  I have held it together for some time. I used to break apart on a bi-weekly basis. I'm on progesterone, so maybe that's aiding and abating my emotional outburst.

I participate in an online forum, it gives me some hope and inspiration.  I'm grateful for the relationships I have there. The ladies today posted about the desire to feel normal. To feel confidence to simply go out with the girls for a cocktail to celebrate the holidays.  I can't do that without lying about why I'm no longer drinking wine. About why I've changed my diet. About why I don't ask about their kids. About why I don't really have anything to add to the conversation. This year has been a more that difficult.  I struggle daily with IF, I lost my job, I did several failed cycles of expensive IUIs, I added a ton of weight and that makes me feel horrible.  REs have suggested I go straight to DE IVF.  That's even more expensive. These online women have kep my head above water.  Even though our conversations are short and only online and I have no idea who any of them really are, I trust them to share my daily rants. To ask my silly questions. To gain strength from their confidence.  

I'm grateful for the strength of others.