Sunday, October 18, 2015

Catching up

Wow, so I just published a post that I started more than a year ago.

It has been difficult.  At that point I was so excited, we had transferred again and had the start of a little one grow inside.  When I wrote, I didn't know that the twins would be less difficult to experience as that most recent pregnancy.  We had our little girl through to the second trimester.  I thought babies were supposed to be in the clear when you made it past 14 weeks. But our little one didn't make it.  That was a fourth loss in too close a time.

With time we readied ourselves to try again, only this time we had very glum expectations.  But thankfully we were surprised. The weeks kept passing and our baby kept fighting to grow and be with us. We still had some complications that took my full attention and I resigned from a great job to focus on the pregnancy and being healthy and reduced in stress.  Last Spring our fantastic rainbow girl was born!

She is everything in our world.  Beautiful. Hilarious. Inspiring. Fun. Smart. Athletic. And she's only a few months old!! The life with IF hasn't changed.  I still hate LUVs commercials.  Fertile soil still piss me off.  I still wish and wonder if we will be able to have a second.  We both nearly didn't make it through the birth, but in the end, we did.  We made it.  We are a family.  In a way all we have gone through is over.  I have her in my arms, on my breast, sleeping beside me.  But the part of me that has struggled for all these years and lived so long wondering....what if?  Is still working on accepting this new lifestyle.  We are moving to a new home soon.  In a neighborhood with children.  We kept ourselves from this kind of interaction for years because the idea of being surrounded by fertiles scared me so much.  Now here we are, seemingly one of them.  We know the length it has taken to get here...and I sometimes feel like a fraud, like I should be carrying a load of struggle on my shoulders still.  But I know I also deserve to enjoy the moment without that backpack of fear, sadness and depression.  We have made it through a terrible time of fear, and our little baby is the lightness in a world that has been so heavy for so long.

I love her with every part of my being, and I am so grateful.

I may start changing this blog if I continue to write.  I want to focus on how I can help myself and others and enjoy the love and life with my daughter.  Wow, my daughter.  Some day I'd like to share this with her and let her peek into how much her parents fought to become the family we are today.  I hope she will teach us to start anew and let trauma pass and allow happiness to fill in those dark spaces.

Until next post....xoxox

Sharing with strangers to survive.

Grieving again.
We made it all the way to 14 weeks before our little girl had to let go.

This year has been filled with exciting moments.
We found out our first FET was successful. First beta was nearly 400!
  • We were excited - is this really happening?
Second beta more than doubled!
  • I remember crying as I asked the nurse if she really thought our pregnancy might stick? She said, yes
Our RE said we wouldn't need a third! Come back in 2 weeks for 1st US - which looked normal.
Then, our 2nd US was considered 'normal' but we left with a recommendation to have another in 3 weeks.
  • I thought, yeah, they are releasing us to an OB/Midwife - this must mean we are on our way and not in danger of another loss.
We decided not to share any of our excitement with most of our friends or family. We did shared it with one family member and 3 good friends.
  • PTSD of recurring losses - prepped us...