Sunday, June 16, 2013

Pulled apart

Meeting with RE tomorrow, I guess it really is time to pull out the big bucks and pick a donor.
Mostly upset at myself for again, being hopeful and imagining I would be able to tell hubs on father's day..and celebrate on my bday is next weekend. Nothing is ok with IF. Rips too much of my heart on a monthly basis. My approach now is to look for the woman that will give us a gift of life, chance to be parents. I Do hope she is out there and we can find her, fast. Years of this heartache and monies spent. I don't know what else we can do?

I feel like we are forever going to be taken advantage of. That every dollar, every promotion, every cent we make is predestined for an REs vacation home.  Am I too stupid to accept that the universe doesn't want me to do this? Why am I being tested this way? Why isn't there an answer for us? Why have my hubs and I always had to build everything from scratch? I don't want to see or do anything today. It's father's day and the man I love more than anyone and anything else, I had to tell, yet again, that he won't be a daddy.  It's been years and so many assholes have become parents during this time.

Am I angry? You bet I am.  Will I put up more cash for a chance to go through this heartache again. Most likely.  Will that affect our house search? Yes.  Is our life completely on hold until we can finance a pregnancy, and an apartment (since downpayment for a house will have to wait).  Or should I just let go. Live a lonely childless life. Move far away from everyone here and start over as some one else?