Today I find myself digging deep to find kindness and compassion for myself as others around me are announcing their happy pregnancies. I head away for a few weeks to celebrate the wedding of a brother and his bride - and her pregnant belly. I will return to thank my neighbors for watching my home and celebrate by giving them thanks and congratulations on their newly announced pregnancy.
I realize I need to take care of myself during these tough times. But I have a hard time accepting why it is I am having these troubles, when so many others seem to start their families as a 'surprise'.
Hearing the sadness in my husband voice as he tries to console me and offers his apologies that yet another person announces their pregnancy and we are childless. Trying for years, looking at a heap of cash that may or may not produce our greatest dream come true. It is the sadness in his voice that touches me the most. We haven't given up. We are digging deep. We love each other more than ever. Yet, we are sick of feeling forced into keeping our lives on hold until we reach some next phase in our lives. Will that next phase be with a childe(ren) or without? We don't feel we can 'treat' ourselves in reaching for some of our other goals in life: buying a new home, moving to a new city, taking a sunny relaxing vacation. Instead every dollar is attached to 'maybe baby'. The money we'd spend going out to dinner "should" be saved for that upcoming ultrasound. The money I'd spend on meeting friends for afternoon tea/lunch needs to be saved for that next round of medications/herbs/acupuncture... Even the savings we've created with the help of cutting off our cable TV, making bread at home, using a Soda Stream instead of buying his soda at the store.. and the list goes on.. all these cost cutting factors don't seem to be getting us closer to our family. Only time will tell. Only time and possibly some good luck will bring what we yearn for most. What we always have on our minds. What we are meant to be.
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