Originally written on 2/23/2016....while my ex was having an affair that I knew nothing about and defended him daily on why he should treat me so awful.
I have healed so much since this past reality - wow..I am one strong bitch! <3
-----written by me as a draft on 2/23/2016... about 3 years ago to the day... -----------------------
It seems cliché to me to admit the different lifestyle that exists when a child is your responsibility. I have fought so hard for my daughter and love her in ways I didn't know I was capable of. Yes, another cliche. But what I was told and am now experiencing is that choosing not to work and become this new version of me is incredibly difficult. I have lost touch with all of my work friends. In part because some were just not into kids, already had kids, and mostly they don't know of my journey to grow as a mother. I have lost my friends with no kids. No more invites to the mountains, bars, movies. My long time mom friends seem to want to nod from afar and giggle at my discussions of sleeping less, and feeling isolated. Not always empathetic to what I am going through. And my husband is still richly connected to his work world, while adjusting to his role as dad in this house.
In all of this, I feel pretty alone. I have a wonderful friend, who by text and phone, has helped me a lot. However we live across the country from each other.
I guess what I am blogging about today, is the reality of postpartum sadness. Perhaps I need to visit my doctor, but these feelings of loneliness as though I am not important in the larger world are getting to me. I feel overwhelmed to simply hire a sitter during a weekday to take a nap, or finish a load of chores. It's like I feel that the money I would spend to do that is selfish, that I should be doing all of the chores alone, since I don't have a job! The funny thing is I am doing basically all the same chores I was usually on top of as a working women. I always did all the laundry, dishes, bathroom cleaning, vacuuming etc, and I was home 1/4 less than I am these days. Watching or bringing up my baby is a lot of work, the night nursing is a beautiful part of this journey. I even wear her in a wrap most days as I clean dishes, vacuum, do laundry and clean. But it still feels I don't get what I intend to Done.
I feel like my body is turning off. Emotions. Sleep. Desire. Hunger. I am doing the chores in routine now. Even though I don't think I do them well like I used to. I feel my quality in life has been downgraded. None of this is blaming baby, I love every second with her and watching, teaching, nursing and learning from her.
But she can't have a full grown up conversation with me about today's politics, or healthy living or just offer feedback on whether I am doing well by her.
I realize this post is silly. I don't have many readers. But sometimes I get relief by just posting.
I haven't slept more than an hour or so in days. I am tired, but too wrung up to sleep. I miss having closeness with other adults.
Damn, now I'm being a whiner. Ugh. I better sign off and decide when I will delete this post.
Monday, March 18, 2019
Wow... If I knew then....
Well, all I can say is wow.
It's been a few years since my last post. Here I sit all these years wiser and will a beautiful little girl beside me.
She really is everything I ever dreamed about. And more.
My love for my little crazy monkey is boundless. She is the bees knees.
While I am so grateful for this addition to my family - I am also grateful for the ending of a major relationship. That one I posted about so often in the past. The one who turned one of my first posts about bawling and asking for understanding and forgiveness. The one who actually had me trained to apologize to him because I was feeling blue. Yeah, that one. He left the relationship while we were finally in a healthy pregnancy. Left the marriage nearly 13 months to the date of the most hero-ing nights of my life.
But I digress to speak of this person in any way other than with gratitude.
Gratitude? you may ask... yes, I am grateful for the selfishness and horrific behavior this guy shared with me for 20+ years. And in these post divorce years, the behavior continues. The jabs and attempts to get me apologizing for being alive and interrupting his happiness are on-going. You'd think his marriage to his affair less than a year after divorce was oddly timed... he didn't even include any of her children or his to the event. I'm grateful he continues to make decisions that remind me how healthy, strong and stable I AM as a person. It reminds me how much my relationship with our daughter is so unique. There is no substitution for me as her mom and no reason for me to ever be concerned that she and I are not two parts of the richest bond known to humankind.
So today, I blog about being grateful for a person in my past who had tried, so desperately, to tear me down, to make me feel shame at being my authentic self. Someone who belittled me in front of others. Someone who didn't know his asshole from his mouth. I am grateful that I am moved on. I am grateful I still harbor some hate and ill feelings, but also, have hopes that he somehow finds a way to be less self centered, narcissistic, hurtful and oblivious to the mess he creates each day. I will never care to be 'friends' with this person ever again, as some behavior will kill you if you keep it part of a friendship.
But I can be grateful for all I have gained becoming free of the ego monster.
I travel alone - and LOVE IT!! I still need to set my international trip asap. I am thinking S. America or S Africa - more on that later
I own my home 100% alone. I decorate as I wish, I clean as I wish, I grow a beautiful garden, raise an amazing dog, talk to my giant koi. My house is mine, and I invite whomever I wish to visit and enjoy a meal, a drink, a show.
I fix things. All things. I was always the home-fixer, even with that old relationship. Now, I have 100% pride in myself for learning how to build a dog crate, build a life-size kids outdoor playhouse, prune my trees each year, fix the washer/dryer, fix my car, shovel my snow, caulk my bathtubs. Mow my lawn, wash my windows. Buy my books, rent my movies. It's all up to me to build my home in my village. And I Love IT.
I am proud of who I am. I wept, I laughed, I stopped eating, I started eating again, I stopped working out, I started again. I couldn't be home alone, now, I value the time I get to be just me... or just me and my beautiful 4 legged friend.
I guess what I mean to say is... Thank you, Ex. For passing on being in my life. Thank you, I love having my life back.
I will no longer cater to the ego of another. I am worthy of much more than that. I deserve genuine love, genuine conversation, genuine truth, love and compassion.
I find these things in my friends (old and new), in my lovers, in my workmates. And what's great - is I now know how to return these things in kind.
That brings me to what I wish for you... I wish for you to be kind and generous. To be grateful and loving of the world around you. To have empathy and common sense as you navigate your future.
I only wish this for you - because actually loving others is the greatest freedom in this world. And I wish for you to someday experience life like mine. I am loved, admired, befriended, given such wonderful opportunities, simply because of the way I live my life.
So farewell, jackass. I will move on in my next post, sharing more things that fill me with gratitude!
It's been a few years since my last post. Here I sit all these years wiser and will a beautiful little girl beside me.
She really is everything I ever dreamed about. And more.
My love for my little crazy monkey is boundless. She is the bees knees.
While I am so grateful for this addition to my family - I am also grateful for the ending of a major relationship. That one I posted about so often in the past. The one who turned one of my first posts about bawling and asking for understanding and forgiveness. The one who actually had me trained to apologize to him because I was feeling blue. Yeah, that one. He left the relationship while we were finally in a healthy pregnancy. Left the marriage nearly 13 months to the date of the most hero-ing nights of my life.
But I digress to speak of this person in any way other than with gratitude.
Gratitude? you may ask... yes, I am grateful for the selfishness and horrific behavior this guy shared with me for 20+ years. And in these post divorce years, the behavior continues. The jabs and attempts to get me apologizing for being alive and interrupting his happiness are on-going. You'd think his marriage to his affair less than a year after divorce was oddly timed... he didn't even include any of her children or his to the event. I'm grateful he continues to make decisions that remind me how healthy, strong and stable I AM as a person. It reminds me how much my relationship with our daughter is so unique. There is no substitution for me as her mom and no reason for me to ever be concerned that she and I are not two parts of the richest bond known to humankind.
So today, I blog about being grateful for a person in my past who had tried, so desperately, to tear me down, to make me feel shame at being my authentic self. Someone who belittled me in front of others. Someone who didn't know his asshole from his mouth. I am grateful that I am moved on. I am grateful I still harbor some hate and ill feelings, but also, have hopes that he somehow finds a way to be less self centered, narcissistic, hurtful and oblivious to the mess he creates each day. I will never care to be 'friends' with this person ever again, as some behavior will kill you if you keep it part of a friendship.
But I can be grateful for all I have gained becoming free of the ego monster.
I travel alone - and LOVE IT!! I still need to set my international trip asap. I am thinking S. America or S Africa - more on that later
I own my home 100% alone. I decorate as I wish, I clean as I wish, I grow a beautiful garden, raise an amazing dog, talk to my giant koi. My house is mine, and I invite whomever I wish to visit and enjoy a meal, a drink, a show.
I fix things. All things. I was always the home-fixer, even with that old relationship. Now, I have 100% pride in myself for learning how to build a dog crate, build a life-size kids outdoor playhouse, prune my trees each year, fix the washer/dryer, fix my car, shovel my snow, caulk my bathtubs. Mow my lawn, wash my windows. Buy my books, rent my movies. It's all up to me to build my home in my village. And I Love IT.
I am proud of who I am. I wept, I laughed, I stopped eating, I started eating again, I stopped working out, I started again. I couldn't be home alone, now, I value the time I get to be just me... or just me and my beautiful 4 legged friend.
I guess what I mean to say is... Thank you, Ex. For passing on being in my life. Thank you, I love having my life back.
I will no longer cater to the ego of another. I am worthy of much more than that. I deserve genuine love, genuine conversation, genuine truth, love and compassion.
I find these things in my friends (old and new), in my lovers, in my workmates. And what's great - is I now know how to return these things in kind.
That brings me to what I wish for you... I wish for you to be kind and generous. To be grateful and loving of the world around you. To have empathy and common sense as you navigate your future.
I only wish this for you - because actually loving others is the greatest freedom in this world. And I wish for you to someday experience life like mine. I am loved, admired, befriended, given such wonderful opportunities, simply because of the way I live my life.
So farewell, jackass. I will move on in my next post, sharing more things that fill me with gratitude!
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