Monday, May 20, 2013

Late May Rambling

So I've been on break for a couple months. I can feel my period is around the corner. Plus that bliss-filled feeling of not worrying about what I'll do next or whether I'm doing everything right has come to an end.  I can feel this next cycle sneaking up on my like mid-west thunder storm.  Warm, wet, a little scary and passing by quickly. But the fear in the moment will be there. The tears are coming, I can feel them. I haven't even 'failed' anything yet.

So much has changed in these two months and so much is exactly as it was when I took my last bow.  Will my ship ever move forward?

I walked with a long time friend today - and shared how difficult it is to stay friends with her because her life has moved on, while I am in constant struggle. I'm even an optimistic person, which must be why it doesn't seem so difficult to those who know me, watch me from afar.  She offered her apologies that my life has been so difficult.  She's had some great progress with her family and career. I told her how expensive having this disease with no insurance coverage is, how difficult it is to be looking for a new house when I don't even know if we'll have our dream of children, let alone how much out of pocket it is going to cost to create them.  I told her she was lucky.  She told me she was sorry there was nothing she could do for me. That I have done all the 'right' things.

I told her that what I've learned in my life, is there is no right or wrong. we just do and sometimes we're lucky and the rest of the time, we're not.