When...

• When do I get to post about something happy and exciting?
• When will I get to say, wow - what a great day today has been?
• When will I feel like I am awesome and finally have some positive mojo in my favor?
• How long will I have to keep "faking it until I make it" with the online friends who are now posting pictures of their second new babies?
• Will I ever tell any of my sisters how painful my life is because I don't have kids for their kids to play with?
• Will I ever feel comfortable with myself in a public place where kids are allowed?

I wish I could share my disease with everyone the way someone with Cancer, MS, or even a pregnancy gets to share it with the world around them. People often feel sympathy when they know someone is going through one of those experiences. But only a few people know what I'm going through and many of those that do know can only say, "oh it'll happen, just relax" like it's not a life altering diagnosis.  I likely won't die from my disease or give birth at the end of 9 months. I have a disease that no one wants to talk about. It makes people uncomfortable to discuss. Many respond as though it isn't a disease, like it's a temporary condition. Well, it's not. It is a disease and it will be a part of me for the rest of my life. I am now defined in part by this disease - just like a Cancer patient, a MS patient and those 9 months of a pregnancy not to mention the lifetime of parenthood afterward - only most of the people I know/meet for the rest of my life will never know how I struggle. This isn't a disease I can bring up as an example of how I overcame a personal challenge in a job interview, this isn't a disease that I can run a 5K to raise money for my own procedures. Hell, there's very few fundraisers that do much in helping to pay bills of those of us with IF. It's a disease that insurance companies call 'elective' to treat.

I can't imagine ever feeling okay about any of the above. 

I just switched doctors - the new doctor is hopeful that he may be able to help us get and stay pregnant, but like everyone else, he doesn't have a cure. I would like to say that I am hopeful. But who knows.  I am optimistic, maybe for my husband's sake.

I would like to have a normal day.

I am grateful that I have a blog to put my thoughts in the universe.