time to play catch up

it's been a long time baby!! well, I've been very busy in my world of being grateful. however, over the last ten months I found out that all my efforts of trying to conceive a child with my dearest husband has been for naught. it's taken me a while to feel comfortable to post this here. I was diagnosed with diminished ovarian reserve (DOR). it sucks. it really sucks. this means my ovaries are about 10-15 years older than what is concidered "normal" for my age. I could go into the details of my sadness and denial and medical attempts to reverse this, but not now. for now i'm just going to put it out here, in the bloggisphere: I have to deal with infertility as my reality and it blows. will I find grace and gratitude in this journey? so far they have been elusive. my faith in the future has definitely wained. i've started with a new mental therapist to help me through this journey. my greatest gratitude has been a website for others like me. we write each other daily. we know each others medicine, routines, proceedure, and handles but not each others names or faces. we suffer together online, but alone in our homes. the few friends and family I've told thus far have been ok. most don't know how to listen. they think god will take care of it, or just need to relax, work less and then somehow ill get pregnant for free. it's nice that they get to live so ignorantly. I do wish that would come true for me. but it's more likely going to take a boatload of money and rounds of medications and possibly years for me to get what others seem to achieve "out back behind the middle school to get (me) pregnant". if only it could be that easy for me Tracy Jordan-30 Rock ;)