Wednesday, August 21, 2013

Vent for 2013

What's it like to live a normal life?
To plan a personal project and have it work close to you timeline?
To wake up and be surprised by the success you've gained in a day, a week a months worth of  work, money, energy and emotion?

Some days it just feels like there's nothing left to give. And there isn't.

Then, I look into hubs eyes and he says, "We can do this, trust me."

Well, I do trust him, but even so, living the lies around those who are supposed to be friends and family has tired me.  I almost want to shout from the rooftop that I am done. I am damaged. I am a warrior.  But none of that is really true.

Some say life changes completely when you have a family, that you just don't understand how important or how much love you can express until you 'have experienced giving life'.  I'd like to tell those people to try living with infertility for 4+ years. To be told that at your age now, you may just be too old to start a family. To not be able to respond that you've been trying for years, back when they were having their first child, and it didn't work.  At that time it was too painful to admit my failure, to ask for help, to be brave enough to ask for medical assistance.  I'd like them to walk a mile in my shoes and understand something they will never understand unless they lived through it, (sic)that living with the death and despair of infertility/miscarriage/aging/loss is a whole lot more difficult and a larger change in ones life, than simply 'making a life'.

I am bitter today. I need to let some of this go - I'm not sure I ever will.

I am not grateful for anything right now. Just tired. Just sad, worn and weary. But I won't let it show on the outside. I play the game.  Those without my troubles don't have the time to be compassionate about mine, most are too wrapped up in their own success that they don't want my failure to touch their lives.  They say, "you focus too much on this, you need to relax, think about something else."   And so I don't want their support.  If they want me to sweep my current crisis under the rug, they can try not talking about their children, their spouse, their jobs, to see what it is like to have to hide something so important.  So today, I would like to scream to the world, asking for a fucking break.

Don't pity me, I don't. I am forced to move forward, to wake up each day, to pretend my chronic status of a life falling to pieces is not happening. Because no one wants to deal with someone who lives this way for 4+ years. No one can understand. I don't want to deal with me.

Maybe tomorrow I'll write something upbeat.  For my self.

Wednesday, August 14, 2013

When do things get...'better'?

Just when I feel like my life might have an upturn around the corner, everything falls apart.

I'm sick of living in this haze of sensitivity. Not just my own sensitivity, but that of others.

I know I'm supposed to be learning how to do what I want, even if others get upset. But I'm in a stage where I need the support of others but so far, everywhere I turn tends to be selfish people, who are looking out for themselves and don't notice that I'm drowning.  Fair enough, I just wish I knew how to be one of those people.

Except my hubs. He has been so open, evolving and caring for me. I hate when I am a part of something that makes him upset.  He is upset. He needs a vacation. I have tried for weeks to create a vacation plan for us. Now, we are hours away from our 'get away' and we are conflicted by the reality that we have very limited time to 'get away' from the stink that is our day to lives, only to choose to ask a family member if we can stay with them. And now, we don't want to do that because it feels so much like the rest of our days. We don't even know how we will find time to be just the two of us, with the rest of this family around. We love them. We want to share time with them. But I don't want to circulate my entire vacation around their needs. I feel like right now, I need to focus on my own needs.

But I don't know what they are; except to get away from my current life.  For a  good long while.

The stress of IF is everywhere. It's not seen or understood by others. That may be what makes it even worse. And the idea of trying something that just might work, makes every moment leading up to that realization a bit of torture.

So that's where I am today, feeling tortured. Flooded by family. Flooded by work. Flooded by life.