Wednesday, August 14, 2013

When do things get...'better'?

Just when I feel like my life might have an upturn around the corner, everything falls apart.

I'm sick of living in this haze of sensitivity. Not just my own sensitivity, but that of others.

I know I'm supposed to be learning how to do what I want, even if others get upset. But I'm in a stage where I need the support of others but so far, everywhere I turn tends to be selfish people, who are looking out for themselves and don't notice that I'm drowning.  Fair enough, I just wish I knew how to be one of those people.

Except my hubs. He has been so open, evolving and caring for me. I hate when I am a part of something that makes him upset.  He is upset. He needs a vacation. I have tried for weeks to create a vacation plan for us. Now, we are hours away from our 'get away' and we are conflicted by the reality that we have very limited time to 'get away' from the stink that is our day to lives, only to choose to ask a family member if we can stay with them. And now, we don't want to do that because it feels so much like the rest of our days. We don't even know how we will find time to be just the two of us, with the rest of this family around. We love them. We want to share time with them. But I don't want to circulate my entire vacation around their needs. I feel like right now, I need to focus on my own needs.

But I don't know what they are; except to get away from my current life.  For a  good long while.

The stress of IF is everywhere. It's not seen or understood by others. That may be what makes it even worse. And the idea of trying something that just might work, makes every moment leading up to that realization a bit of torture.

So that's where I am today, feeling tortured. Flooded by family. Flooded by work. Flooded by life.

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