What doesn't kill you ...

They say, "What doesn't kill you makes you stronger."
I will soon be ready to join the cast of the Avengers.

Here we are in March already and another cycle of meds and procedures have come and gone and again, another BFN.

The tears haven't come yet. But I have created a good protection. The last couple months I have decided not to invite my struggle to my offline world. I think it hurt more to disappoint my friends and family with updates on my lack of progress than it felt good to get their well wishes. I mean for goodness sake, their lives go on. It's mine that has been stuck in a rut for all these years.

In my silence I have:

• Listened to 'friends' tell me how 'difficult' it is to raise three children. "Did you know they get sick and have trouble falling to sleep?" Seriously? Wow, I had no idea that being an infant or toddler increased the likelihood of getting sick and that sleep takes place in their own time.
• Felt the hugs from my siblings kids and been told that time goes by so fast. "Can you believe how fast your niece and nephews are growing older? Don't you remember when they were just babies and now they are off to college?" Hmm, imagine that - time passes fast. Do you mean like how it's been about 4 years since we first attempted to get pregnant? Do you realize that means we sh/could have a toddler? I bet you don't think about that every day like I do. And each month I still have the optimism of a child on Christmas eve. And each month I get disappointed by the emptiness of what that becomes.
• Watched my nieces and nephews share stories about their grandparents and experience their 80th birthdays. And all I can think of is how my children may never even get to meet my parents. I hope a few of those kids will teach my kids about their grandparents. I hope my parents can tell them too.

I am stronger than you. That's all I can say.
You haven't reached out to ask me how I am doing. You, in fact, have your own life to live and your own problems to deal with. You also, no longer have my heart backing you up. I am alone on this journey. You have shown me this. And I am embracing it.

My hubby and I are the bomb. We have more strength in our pinkies than I hope you will ever have to muster in your life.