for possibility of napping

I couldn't sleep last night. as in I have been awake since 12:30am this morning. I took a 1.5 hr nap on the couch before waking but never got back to sleep. I started work at 3:15am this morning. decided I was done at 3:45pm. now I'm trying to take a nap before yoga. wish me luck?

"your emergency is not my emergency"

"your emergency is not my emergency" I just read this quote on another blog I follow. it strikes me as very appropriate as a way to deal with disappointments in relationships. I often get frustrated with friends because they seem to include me when they are having problems in their lives. but when things go well, the calls and e-mails stop. I guess this is because I have always been super empathetic. I want to help those hurt. the challenge is, I usually don't reach out when I have problems. I don't want to bother anyone. so I don't say anything. my emergency may not be theirs, but I tend to make theirs my own. and this has already begun to change... what? is this something positive coming from my struggle with IF? ;) with my IF journey I first kept everything a secret. then months passed and I finally let the secret out to people I 'thought' would KNOW how to help me through. unfortunately, one of my friends, who I have known a long time, just kinda let me go. I reached out a few weeks later to see if we could get together and she never responded. I figure she would prefer to be my friend when the issues are only about her. so I have finally let go as well. a couple other friends have kept up with me in more positive ways, encouraging me to talk about how i feel and then just replying with acceptance on whatever is going on. this has proven a great way to keep my friendships alive. :) my emergency isn't theirs, but these women are taking a step with me. by allowing me to share my anxiety, fears and humor with this diagnosis and all the strange proceedures I've chosen to try. these women allow me to have my own emergency, but have let me know that they love and support my decisions. they remnd me there is no right or wrong, things just are and may be resolved in time, one way or the other. i am so lucky to have found soul sisters who are teaching me this very precious lesson. for those who may have friends going through IF, just listening and sharing a tea is often enough. we don't need advice unless specifically requested. these days I am still more selective with who I will share this journey with (in the real world) but the important lesson I've learned is that I can still share my journey with new people and don't have to hold any regrets.

time to play catch up

it's been a long time baby!! well, I've been very busy in my world of being grateful. however, over the last ten months I found out that all my efforts of trying to conceive a child with my dearest husband has been for naught. it's taken me a while to feel comfortable to post this here. I was diagnosed with diminished ovarian reserve (DOR). it sucks. it really sucks. this means my ovaries are about 10-15 years older than what is concidered "normal" for my age. I could go into the details of my sadness and denial and medical attempts to reverse this, but not now. for now i'm just going to put it out here, in the bloggisphere: I have to deal with infertility as my reality and it blows. will I find grace and gratitude in this journey? so far they have been elusive. my faith in the future has definitely wained. i've started with a new mental therapist to help me through this journey. my greatest gratitude has been a website for others like me. we write each other daily. we know each others medicine, routines, proceedure, and handles but not each others names or faces. we suffer together online, but alone in our homes. the few friends and family I've told thus far have been ok. most don't know how to listen. they think god will take care of it, or just need to relax, work less and then somehow ill get pregnant for free. it's nice that they get to live so ignorantly. I do wish that would come true for me. but it's more likely going to take a boatload of money and rounds of medications and possibly years for me to get what others seem to achieve "out back behind the middle school to get (me) pregnant". if only it could be that easy for me Tracy Jordan-30 Rock ;)

What can you do in 30 days?

It's great to try something new for 30 days ... At least that is what I began today. Knowing that I am about to embark on an experiment to do something - anything for 30 days. My first project is a simple one. Practice Spanish with Rosetta Stone for 1 hr each day.

I watched a snippet of this from a TED Talk - so now I'm giving it a try!

I began today and to be honest, I think it will be fun!

I'm already thinking of my next challenge - making a wish a day, complimenting a stranger each day, telling a truth about myself to someone new, lose 15 lbs? .. I don't know where this will take me, so I'll just start with the small and the known. One. Day. At. A. Time.

Wish me luck?

For arguments

Yep, I seriously wrote that I'm grateful for arguing. Well, not arguing, but for the communication that sometimes requires the pulling of teeth to land in ones soul.

I just had one of those tough connections with my husband. He's a wonderful guy and while I have been going throug some tough self exploration which often feels like self exportation, I was taking out the anger and fear in my life on him. He pulled me aside, and asked me tough questions. I nearly died. I could finally understand what all those love lost songs are about - and I was happy living my life without ever having known such pain. Our argument went on for hours. I bawled like I've never done before. I shared my fears and anxiety with this man that I have known and loved more than half my life. And this was the first time I had done this with him. He asked, pushed me to tell him what was happening in my heart. Why I was doing these mean things to him. I even explained that I was un aware that I was being so mean, that I only thought I was protecting him. He asked me to be the family that I want, and to do that meant sharing me fears, my questions, my anxiety.

As I go to bed tonight, eyes puffy, nose running from hrs of tears and pleas for forgiveness and redo's, I am reminded to be grateful. To be grateful for arguments. For they too can bring about love compassion and understanding. Especially if you are patient and loving in your expression. If you argue from love and for love you can really find the spark of the soul that was lost with years of living outside yourself.

I am grateful for today's argument. Grateful to be closer to my husband.

looking fear in the eye

I feel like I'm back to square one. I have been working so hard to make changes and move things in my life toward something.  But I'm only more scared than I was when I started. 
I have sought out help, but I don't trust her. I don't trust.  I'd like to learn to trust, but I'd like an apology before I do.  I don't think I'll ever get that apology. 
I'm afraid of being angry at my friends and family. I would like to put this in storage and never think of it again. But because I don't know just what 'it' is, I'm compelled to be curious and look for a resolution to help me find my Self.

Argh. I'm getting another year older very soon - why am I getting so unhappy the older I get?  I'm not enjoying this time. The 30s have turned out not to be good years for me.

In shock - having read, 8 Shocking Signs of American Excess

Grateful my parent brought me up always aware that my shopping habits have consequences.
I just read this blog and thought to share it with you - 8 Shocking Signs of American Excess
In it the writer describes products that Americans are buying, offered, or declined which wreck havoc on the environment and our collective spirit on this planet. Unbelievable.
I have a beautiful small city home, a beautiful dog and supportive husband. We eat lean, we do go out  often, although we live in a city so we often just walk on our special outings. We have a Soda Stream which includes great water bottles that you can fill with sugar free syrups to make any type of soda you like. My favorite is plain ole tap water with a little added bubbly. We clothes shop at new stores, but only once or twice a year and our house has furniture that we bought before we got married and all or old furniture was given to friends in need. In short, we live within our means and recycle as much as we can and have no financial benefit from it. We do well enough to have 2 fancy cars, to buy a second house, to go shopping every month and buy canned soda. But we don't because our home is small, our needs are met and there's no reason to buy excess.

So, why the hell is the rest of America doing throwing the baby out with the bathwater? This list in the blog is ridiculous, as as I said earlier. Sickening.

Reduce. Reuse. Recycle.