Well, all I can say is wow.
It's been a few years since my last post. Here I sit all these years wiser and will a beautiful little girl beside me.
She really is everything I ever dreamed about. And more.
My love for my little crazy monkey is boundless. She is the bees knees.
While I am so grateful for this addition to my family - I am also grateful for the ending of a major relationship. That one I posted about so often in the past. The one who turned one of my first posts about bawling and asking for understanding and forgiveness. The one who actually had me trained to apologize to him because I was feeling blue. Yeah, that one. He left the relationship while we were finally in a healthy pregnancy. Left the marriage nearly 13 months to the date of the most hero-ing nights of my life.
But I digress to speak of this person in any way other than with gratitude.
Gratitude? you may ask... yes, I am grateful for the selfishness and horrific behavior this guy shared with me for 20+ years. And in these post divorce years, the behavior continues. The jabs and attempts to get me apologizing for being alive and interrupting his happiness are on-going. You'd think his marriage to his affair less than a year after divorce was oddly timed... he didn't even include any of her children or his to the event. I'm grateful he continues to make decisions that remind me how healthy, strong and stable I AM as a person. It reminds me how much my relationship with our daughter is so unique. There is no substitution for me as her mom and no reason for me to ever be concerned that she and I are not two parts of the richest bond known to humankind.
So today, I blog about being grateful for a person in my past who had tried, so desperately, to tear me down, to make me feel shame at being my authentic self. Someone who belittled me in front of others. Someone who didn't know his asshole from his mouth. I am grateful that I am moved on. I am grateful I still harbor some hate and ill feelings, but also, have hopes that he somehow finds a way to be less self centered, narcissistic, hurtful and oblivious to the mess he creates each day. I will never care to be 'friends' with this person ever again, as some behavior will kill you if you keep it part of a friendship.
But I can be grateful for all I have gained becoming free of the ego monster.
I travel alone - and LOVE IT!! I still need to set my international trip asap. I am thinking S. America or S Africa - more on that later
I own my home 100% alone. I decorate as I wish, I clean as I wish, I grow a beautiful garden, raise an amazing dog, talk to my giant koi. My house is mine, and I invite whomever I wish to visit and enjoy a meal, a drink, a show.
I fix things. All things. I was always the home-fixer, even with that old relationship. Now, I have 100% pride in myself for learning how to build a dog crate, build a life-size kids outdoor playhouse, prune my trees each year, fix the washer/dryer, fix my car, shovel my snow, caulk my bathtubs. Mow my lawn, wash my windows. Buy my books, rent my movies. It's all up to me to build my home in my village. And I Love IT.
I am proud of who I am. I wept, I laughed, I stopped eating, I started eating again, I stopped working out, I started again. I couldn't be home alone, now, I value the time I get to be just me... or just me and my beautiful 4 legged friend.
I guess what I mean to say is... Thank you, Ex. For passing on being in my life. Thank you, I love having my life back.
I will no longer cater to the ego of another. I am worthy of much more than that. I deserve genuine love, genuine conversation, genuine truth, love and compassion.
I find these things in my friends (old and new), in my lovers, in my workmates. And what's great - is I now know how to return these things in kind.
That brings me to what I wish for you... I wish for you to be kind and generous. To be grateful and loving of the world around you. To have empathy and common sense as you navigate your future.
I only wish this for you - because actually loving others is the greatest freedom in this world. And I wish for you to someday experience life like mine. I am loved, admired, befriended, given such wonderful opportunities, simply because of the way I live my life.
So farewell, jackass. I will move on in my next post, sharing more things that fill me with gratitude!
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