A Different World

Originally written on 2/23/2016....while my ex was having an affair that I knew nothing about and defended him daily on why he should treat me so awful.

I have healed so much since this past reality - wow..I am one strong bitch! <3



-----written by me as a draft on 2/23/2016... about 3 years ago to the day... -----------------------

It seems cliché to me to admit the different lifestyle that exists when a child is your responsibility.  I have fought so hard for my daughter and love her in ways I didn't know I was capable of.  Yes, another cliche. But what I was told and am now experiencing is that choosing not to work and become this new version of me is incredibly difficult.  I have lost touch with all of my work friends. In part because some were just not into kids, already had kids, and mostly they don't know of my journey to grow as a mother.  I have lost my friends with no kids. No more invites to the mountains, bars, movies.  My long time mom friends seem to want to nod from afar and giggle at my discussions of sleeping less, and feeling isolated. Not always empathetic to what I am going through.  And my husband is still richly connected to his work world, while adjusting to his role as dad in this house.
In all of this, I feel pretty alone.  I have a wonderful friend, who by text and phone, has helped me a lot. However we live across the country from each other.

I guess what I am blogging about today, is the reality of postpartum sadness.  Perhaps I need to visit my doctor, but these feelings of loneliness as though I am not important in the larger world are getting to me.  I feel overwhelmed to simply hire a sitter during a weekday to take a nap, or finish a load of chores.  It's like I feel that the money I would spend to do that is selfish, that I should be doing all of the chores alone, since I don't have a job!  The funny thing is I am doing basically all the same chores I was usually on top of as a working women.  I always did all the laundry, dishes, bathroom cleaning, vacuuming etc, and I was home 1/4 less than I am these days.  Watching or bringing up my baby is a lot of work, the night nursing is a beautiful part of this journey.  I even wear her in a wrap most days as I clean dishes, vacuum, do laundry and clean. But it still feels I don't get what I intend to Done.

I feel like my body is turning off. Emotions. Sleep. Desire. Hunger.  I am doing the chores in routine now. Even though I don't think I do them well like I used to.  I feel my quality in life has been downgraded. None of this is blaming baby, I love every second with her and watching, teaching, nursing and learning from her.

But she can't have a full grown up conversation with me about today's politics, or healthy living or just offer feedback on whether I am doing well by her.

I realize this post is silly.  I don't have many readers.  But sometimes I get relief by just posting.

I haven't slept more than an hour or so in days.  I am tired, but too wrung up to sleep.  I miss having closeness with other adults.

Damn, now I'm being a whiner. Ugh. I better sign off and  decide when I will delete this post.