What doesn't kill you ...

They say, "What doesn't kill you makes you stronger."
I will soon be ready to join the cast of the Avengers.

Here we are in March already and another cycle of meds and procedures have come and gone and again, another BFN.

The tears haven't come yet. But I have created a good protection. The last couple months I have decided not to invite my struggle to my offline world. I think it hurt more to disappoint my friends and family with updates on my lack of progress than it felt good to get their well wishes. I mean for goodness sake, their lives go on. It's mine that has been stuck in a rut for all these years.

In my silence I have:

• Listened to 'friends' tell me how 'difficult' it is to raise three children. "Did you know they get sick and have trouble falling to sleep?" Seriously? Wow, I had no idea that being an infant or toddler increased the likelihood of getting sick and that sleep takes place in their own time.
• Felt the hugs from my siblings kids and been told that time goes by so fast. "Can you believe how fast your niece and nephews are growing older? Don't you remember when they were just babies and now they are off to college?" Hmm, imagine that - time passes fast. Do you mean like how it's been about 4 years since we first attempted to get pregnant? Do you realize that means we sh/could have a toddler? I bet you don't think about that every day like I do. And each month I still have the optimism of a child on Christmas eve. And each month I get disappointed by the emptiness of what that becomes.
• Watched my nieces and nephews share stories about their grandparents and experience their 80th birthdays. And all I can think of is how my children may never even get to meet my parents. I hope a few of those kids will teach my kids about their grandparents. I hope my parents can tell them too.

I am stronger than you. That's all I can say.
You haven't reached out to ask me how I am doing. You, in fact, have your own life to live and your own problems to deal with. You also, no longer have my heart backing you up. I am alone on this journey. You have shown me this. And I am embracing it.

My hubby and I are the bomb. We have more strength in our pinkies than I hope you will ever have to muster in your life.

Thank You.

Giving gratitude is such a simple act.

Thank you!

That's really all there is to it.
Just turn your head in the direction of that which makes you smile and say

Thank you!

Is the sun shining?

Are the clouds acting as a blanket over your head, keeping things warm for a spell?

Is the rain dancing to the ground creating pools of puddles waiting for you to splash about?

Why not look up and say

Thank you!

Have you had a terrible day?

Been diagnosed with a life changing disease?

Confronted with another BFN that has left you in tears?

Do you feel there is nothing left to be grateful for?

 

Turn to you friend, blog, religion, family, counselor, pet, plant, bed, a mirror and say

Thank you!

You may be surprised when you realize the quality of the listener you are praising.

 

We may not be your best friends.

We may not be your preacher.

We may not be your family.

 

But we are here and we will listen.

We understand frustration, disappointment, giving up, wanting to quit.

Our ears, our eyes, are focused on you.

Our hearts, are with you.

We carry hope for you when you have grown weary.

 

You are important in this world.

You are doing this 'right'.

You are not too much for me.

Thank you!

 

 





Grateful choices

Gorgeous morning, beautiful day.
I stopped a creepy dude who was following me and another woman around the lake.  He was questioned by the police. Nice to get the creeps off the street.
Connected with some online friends. I'm really finding their support invaluable.
As I begin this next phase, I am terrified. But I will hold my head high.
I do do have choices. But I don't have time.
I have chosen to be hopeful.  I know this may mean I will lose myself in tears and jerks of terror.
I have chosen to be hopeful.
I have chosen, for today.

Grateful for your feet

Perfect cherry tomatoes hide in your cheeks
Butterfly eyelashes resting on tan marshmallow skin
A smile that touches my heart

Arms
    wrap around my waist
       warm my belly
         tucked over my shoulders forever

Hands
    fill the syringe
      hold my hope
        and my weakness

Legs
    walk me to each appointment
       carry my dread
         lead me forward   

Laughter
    picks up my days of low
       creates new memories
          reminds me I'm not alone

Stone strong buns
I am grateful for those fabulous feet!
The man who kissed me 19 years ago, today.

Grateful For ...

It's getting easier.  The last two weeks have been quite a struggle on many levels, but I am happy to state that I am holding it together!  Others would bitch and moan if they were dealing with what I have to each day.  Every angle of my life has truly fallen apart, and here I stand on both feet. I may cry every day and feel my heart breaking, but I fu@king stand up every morning and face my life. 

I am sure that is more than what most people do.

Yes, I am grateful for being me.

Grateful for Time - and what I've learned this month

It's been a while since I've come right out with what I am grateful for in my post. I needed some time to vent. This year didn't kick off the way I would have preferred. But what does happen the way we imagine it, right?

My loss at the beginning of the year was and in some ways still is a very deep shattering sorrow that I am slowly moving past.  Everyone reacts differently to stresses in their lives. I have been one to keep my medical problems to my self. Never felt it was important to share my troubles with others. I enjoy being a sympathetic ear, a beacon of light that helped others through their dark days always standing tall and holding shoulders when they would fall in tears. 

What have I learned in January of 2013? I learned that time doesn't heal all things - but the distance that can make it easier to move forward.  Taking time to grieve, to laugh to rest, to do, to not do - you get what I'm saying. Taking time to just feel what you are feeling is refreshing.  Earlier this month I experienced tears, pain, fits of laughter and moments of silence. I judged my healing process, I judged how others handled my process. I think one of the most important things I did for myself, was to give myself the gift of a simple moment. Time.  

I am really growing up -  my fears and doubts and optimisim are being given this gift of time - to be fully expressed.  I am sleeping throughout the night. I even DREAM.  I am finding true freedom in welcoming this gift of a ticking clock. It's not an enemy today. Today, it is my mentor.

My time to parent is coming, I am preparing the best I can.  

uncomfortable with my self.

i felt so sick last night.  i had a temp of 100, chills and more. something is twitching and i am feeling low again. my brother and his wife had their baby this week.  i am truly happy for them although i can't help myself in feeling jealous, make that sad for myself, not jealous.  we have been trying longer than they have been dating. life isn't fair. that doesn't help. i am so completely alone. my poor hubby wants so badly to support my stupid mood swings, which helps most of the times.  but these really low days there is absolutely nothing, and i mean nothing that pulls me out but time.  so here i sit, hoping time will pass quickly and i will feel like living again.

i'm not done with the roller coaster. it's mid-cycle and that's me thinking optimistically.  my life as i thought it would be is over. forever over.  i only feel i can freely share my feelings on this anonymous blog, which always seems to be so negative. i get down on myself for writing how i am feeling and then rereading it later only to judge myself for writing my truth.  i am so uncomfortable with myself.  i have lost everything that keeps momentum.