At any moment - 4 days left

Update:
My slow growing Hcg that once showed a single little sac in my uterus, is now showing 2 little sacs with yolks in my uterus. I will return this week to see if those sacs grow fetal poles. If no, I am told the familiar, "you should miscarry on my own, at any moment". If one, or both do show poles, what then?  My RE says this pregnancy is doomed. He must think I am nuts for continuing this waiting game week after week.  This is a horrible existence.   I spent the morning with my mom, most girls would be delighted to have their mom around at a time like this, to share all the excitement, ask for advice and get giddy with.  But me? In my life, it's a stupid play to share anything this important. Why? because life just doesn't work out for me.  Of course, I didn't share with her what is going on. At this point, why should I? All of this is doomed.

I heard a dude over the weekend tell the grocery store that his wife's pregnancy and birthing was 'so easy' that she was back to ironing his shirts after giving birth for three hours earlier in the day. It's talk like this that makes me so angry.

Why can't I just let this roll off my back?

Because it is hurtful. And everything these days, feels hurtful.

My body hurts, knowing that I am supposed to miscarry "at any moment".

My mind hurts, knowing that I am supposed to miscarry "at any moment".

My mind hurts, knowing I may have to decide HOW I will miscarry "at any moment".

My soul hurt, because things like this, just shouldn't happen. To anyone.


4 days left ...

What do you ask for, when you are in need?

I only have a minute and wanted to ask a question --

When you are in need of support during a crisis in your life, do you ask your circle of support for help?

If you do, what do you ask for?

I know I have a few people IRL and online who have offered their hand of support, and have asked me to let them know if there's anything I need, so they can provide the support I want.  I just don't know what one asks for at a time like this?

I'm curious what you all think? I'm interested in some suggestions.

Genderless Human

Some days I just want to hug my mom and ask her to fix me.

Today is one of those days.

It's been a really difficult year, hell few years.  Sure, I've accomplished some nice things and I am married to the greatest guy on earth. But we have been struggling with this very simple act that so many people animals do without a thought. It is SO difficult to live this life. 

I could call my self on the edge - on the end of just letting it all go because as I am screaming on the inside: I am invited to friends celebrating their kids birthdays, to family member parties, to give up my seat/parking/space in line for the pregnant mother, to smile and not comment when someone assumes I'm just 'too old' and probably don't care to have a family of my own. Or, perhaps worse, those friends who know what I'm going through, but don't ask how I'm doing. Or those that do who ask, but don't realize that their families are really difficult for me to be around.

I am not saying I want to hurt myself, but I often find that I wouldn't mind if I never woke up. When I'm awake I feel like I live in a constant nightmare.  Of silence. Hubs feels the same way. Only he has his own night/day terrors that he is dealing with. None of this is fair and I'm insane for constantly looking for a 'reason', a 'way to fix myself', a way to 'accept' my stupid fucking life.

Every part of my life is affected by this. I don't think it will ever stop. I expect to always feel like less of a person because I am infertile. I will always be treated like I'm less too. Those who know, pity me for this sadness that is constant. Those who don't know, don't realize how their attitudes toward, IVF, adoption, later age pregnancy affects me.

And what do I do in turn? Will I raise my voice to put an end to their arrogance and ignorance? No. Why? Because they will always win. They have already won. I will never be accepted by the community. I'll always have to seek out the other 'older moms'. IF we every get a pregnancy that sticks.

I recently wrote how angry I am. How I want to hurt other people - I still want to do that.

Learning about others who have infertility really doesn't make me feel better, it just makes me more angry. I feel for them, but I also get angry that they may be getting support from others because they opened up and shared what they are going through. And I'm to embarrassed to open up to some of the people I'd like to because I'm sure they will disappoint me with their idea of 'support'.

Oh god, if you really exist, why the hell are you testing us like this? Hubs and I have had soo much shit in our lives before we even found out that I'm a broken shell of a genderless human.

Isn't there anyone outside myself who can help me find peace among this hell?

I've been enjoying being optimistic these last week, choosing to smile because I wanted to experience what most women do when they find out that they are pregnant. But from the start my doctors told me not to celebrate. That I have no right to a healthy, natural pregnancy. How many of you had that response from your doctors? I'll bet not many. And I'd like to tell you that you never knew how lucky you were. That you were given a carte blanche to just enjoy that you saw a + on your home pregnancy test.  You never wondered what it was like to be told from the get go that your body is going to betray you. That your cells aren't good enough to add to the gene pool. That you, stop at you. Sure you can add to some epigenetics of another woman's cells, but you will never experience the joy of passing yourself on in the universe. And some will tell you 'that is meant to be'.

That I think, is the hardest part of all of this.

Keep Calm and Carry On...

New day, new feelings.

I am still reeling from the last few days. It's never easy to be filled with excitement and then have it all taken away and have to continue with life as usual, when you know something inside is dying.

But I guess that happens to all of us in our own ways.

I have been given some great advice lately. Some have suggested I close the doors to these hurtful people. I will try this with some of the people on my list. I also feel like I need to be direct with others. Not because I think they'll understand, but because I think it will help me heal.

Until then, I will make a promise to be kind to myself. Especially as this life slips away.

I am doing all I can to be a good citizen of the world. Pain is just part of the process.

Leave only footprints.

Never gonna...

I am really, really angry. Even though I knew this was possible, I just can't fathom why the universe has put us through this? I mean, we were all set to start this thing with the donor, which we will still have to go through. We saved the money, to do what most people do for free. Then, we were given a moment to think about what could have been, what it could have been like to have my own genetic child, and it's all been torn away, again. After I had come to terms with losing my genetic connection, the universe busted in and slapped me in the face. That's what it feels like. That's what it is. I am so sad. Fuck! 

I will get over this. I just really wish that I could take it out on other people.  Like my stupid fucking sister in law and my brother. Who came out to visit, as I was going through a failed IUI cycle and they got pissed off at me for not wanting to hang out with them and their infant. Instead, my brother, who I used to be close with, has said he's pissed at the way I acted.  I want to slap HIM and HER in the face and tell them I'll never speak to them again. That they are complete assholes for fucking and getting pregnant so easily, then turning against me when I reached out to them for support.

I want to tell my old best friend that she's a fucking whore, for not being here for me. For being so fucking busy with her own life and kids and thinking her 'friend' (whom she has never spoken with but had a donor egg and donor sperm baby) was insane for wanting to have a child with those circumstances.

I want to tell my fucking sisters who have fucked up most of their kids that they are bullies and beasts for treating me like a runt all my life. And for being right about it.

I want to kick my dad in the balls for being a dick and instilling in me that I'm mostly worthless, only my cash support is appreciated, because only a few of his other kids have been as generous with money as I.

I want to cry to my mom and tell her everything that is going on. I want to ask her to fix me and fix the situation but not get tied up in my drama, and tell me that god will take care of it. 

I want to cry to my sister in law and brother who have been supportive and tell them what they offer is not enough. That I need more. I don't know exactly how or what, but I need more love pouring in to my crappy life. That drinking wine together is nice, but it makes me wonder if that's why I kill all my embryos. 

I want to punch my ovaries in their ass for having aged so progressively.

I want to tell my doctors from the time I was 17 that they killed my chances of becoming pregnant because they suggested I go on birth control.

I want to strangle my guts for not digesting dairy and stop my younger self from adding so many soy products to my diet for decades.

I want to bang my head against a wall to stop this desire to be a mom.

I want to cry in my hubs arms and make everything better.

Vent for 2013

What's it like to live a normal life?
To plan a personal project and have it work close to you timeline?
To wake up and be surprised by the success you've gained in a day, a week a months worth of  work, money, energy and emotion?

Some days it just feels like there's nothing left to give. And there isn't.

Then, I look into hubs eyes and he says, "We can do this, trust me."

Well, I do trust him, but even so, living the lies around those who are supposed to be friends and family has tired me.  I almost want to shout from the rooftop that I am done. I am damaged. I am a warrior.  But none of that is really true.

Some say life changes completely when you have a family, that you just don't understand how important or how much love you can express until you 'have experienced giving life'.  I'd like to tell those people to try living with infertility for 4+ years. To be told that at your age now, you may just be too old to start a family. To not be able to respond that you've been trying for years, back when they were having their first child, and it didn't work.  At that time it was too painful to admit my failure, to ask for help, to be brave enough to ask for medical assistance.  I'd like them to walk a mile in my shoes and understand something they will never understand unless they lived through it, (sic)that living with the death and despair of infertility/miscarriage/aging/loss is a whole lot more difficult and a larger change in ones life, than simply 'making a life'.

I am bitter today. I need to let some of this go - I'm not sure I ever will.

I am not grateful for anything right now. Just tired. Just sad, worn and weary. But I won't let it show on the outside. I play the game.  Those without my troubles don't have the time to be compassionate about mine, most are too wrapped up in their own success that they don't want my failure to touch their lives.  They say, "you focus too much on this, you need to relax, think about something else."   And so I don't want their support.  If they want me to sweep my current crisis under the rug, they can try not talking about their children, their spouse, their jobs, to see what it is like to have to hide something so important.  So today, I would like to scream to the world, asking for a fucking break.

Don't pity me, I don't. I am forced to move forward, to wake up each day, to pretend my chronic status of a life falling to pieces is not happening. Because no one wants to deal with someone who lives this way for 4+ years. No one can understand. I don't want to deal with me.

Maybe tomorrow I'll write something upbeat.  For my self.

When do things get...'better'?

Just when I feel like my life might have an upturn around the corner, everything falls apart.

I'm sick of living in this haze of sensitivity. Not just my own sensitivity, but that of others.

I know I'm supposed to be learning how to do what I want, even if others get upset. But I'm in a stage where I need the support of others but so far, everywhere I turn tends to be selfish people, who are looking out for themselves and don't notice that I'm drowning.  Fair enough, I just wish I knew how to be one of those people.

Except my hubs. He has been so open, evolving and caring for me. I hate when I am a part of something that makes him upset.  He is upset. He needs a vacation. I have tried for weeks to create a vacation plan for us. Now, we are hours away from our 'get away' and we are conflicted by the reality that we have very limited time to 'get away' from the stink that is our day to lives, only to choose to ask a family member if we can stay with them. And now, we don't want to do that because it feels so much like the rest of our days. We don't even know how we will find time to be just the two of us, with the rest of this family around. We love them. We want to share time with them. But I don't want to circulate my entire vacation around their needs. I feel like right now, I need to focus on my own needs.

But I don't know what they are; except to get away from my current life.  For a  good long while.

The stress of IF is everywhere. It's not seen or understood by others. That may be what makes it even worse. And the idea of trying something that just might work, makes every moment leading up to that realization a bit of torture.

So that's where I am today, feeling tortured. Flooded by family. Flooded by work. Flooded by life.