Wow, just read a post from my support board - it included these links.
I wish I had the guts to send these links to the people in my life I have told about our infertility.
Friday, July 19, 2013
Thursday, July 18, 2013
Best Roomates Ever
Time is ticking.
Family is in town.
I don't want to see them.
I spoke with my confidant yesterday, I have decided it's not my problems that make me not want to be near them. It's them. They have proven to be a bunch of bullies. They 'say' they think each other would be supportive, but they can't. They are flawed. It's not part of who they have chosen to be.
It must be difficult to have a life where you cannot empathize with the pain of others. Or simple?
I have two very wonderful friends who mean more to me than any fear that I have come across in my life so far. I can turn to either of these people at any point in my happiness or sadness. And they allow me.
They support my journey. They ask for nothing but honesty. And for some reason, they are really the only two people I have ever been able to be completely honest with. I am so grateful for them.
I am additionally grateful that I had the excellent experience of living with both these people during some pretty crazy times in my life. I adore you two more than anything. THANK YOU!
Family is in town.
I don't want to see them.
I spoke with my confidant yesterday, I have decided it's not my problems that make me not want to be near them. It's them. They have proven to be a bunch of bullies. They 'say' they think each other would be supportive, but they can't. They are flawed. It's not part of who they have chosen to be.
It must be difficult to have a life where you cannot empathize with the pain of others. Or simple?
I have two very wonderful friends who mean more to me than any fear that I have come across in my life so far. I can turn to either of these people at any point in my happiness or sadness. And they allow me.
They support my journey. They ask for nothing but honesty. And for some reason, they are really the only two people I have ever been able to be completely honest with. I am so grateful for them.
I am additionally grateful that I had the excellent experience of living with both these people during some pretty crazy times in my life. I adore you two more than anything. THANK YOU!
Sunday, June 16, 2013
Pulled apart
Meeting with RE tomorrow, I guess it really is time to pull out the big bucks and pick a donor.
Mostly upset at myself for again, being hopeful and imagining I would be able to tell hubs on father's day..and celebrate on my bday is next weekend. Nothing is ok with IF. Rips too much of my heart on a monthly basis. My approach now is to look for the woman that will give us a gift of life, chance to be parents. I Do hope she is out there and we can find her, fast. Years of this heartache and monies spent. I don't know what else we can do?
I feel like we are forever going to be taken advantage of. That every dollar, every promotion, every cent we make is predestined for an REs vacation home. Am I too stupid to accept that the universe doesn't want me to do this? Why am I being tested this way? Why isn't there an answer for us? Why have my hubs and I always had to build everything from scratch? I don't want to see or do anything today. It's father's day and the man I love more than anyone and anything else, I had to tell, yet again, that he won't be a daddy. It's been years and so many assholes have become parents during this time.
Am I angry? You bet I am. Will I put up more cash for a chance to go through this heartache again. Most likely. Will that affect our house search? Yes. Is our life completely on hold until we can finance a pregnancy, and an apartment (since downpayment for a house will have to wait). Or should I just let go. Live a lonely childless life. Move far away from everyone here and start over as some one else?
Mostly upset at myself for again, being hopeful and imagining I would be able to tell hubs on father's day..and celebrate on my bday is next weekend. Nothing is ok with IF. Rips too much of my heart on a monthly basis. My approach now is to look for the woman that will give us a gift of life, chance to be parents. I Do hope she is out there and we can find her, fast. Years of this heartache and monies spent. I don't know what else we can do?
I feel like we are forever going to be taken advantage of. That every dollar, every promotion, every cent we make is predestined for an REs vacation home. Am I too stupid to accept that the universe doesn't want me to do this? Why am I being tested this way? Why isn't there an answer for us? Why have my hubs and I always had to build everything from scratch? I don't want to see or do anything today. It's father's day and the man I love more than anyone and anything else, I had to tell, yet again, that he won't be a daddy. It's been years and so many assholes have become parents during this time.
Am I angry? You bet I am. Will I put up more cash for a chance to go through this heartache again. Most likely. Will that affect our house search? Yes. Is our life completely on hold until we can finance a pregnancy, and an apartment (since downpayment for a house will have to wait). Or should I just let go. Live a lonely childless life. Move far away from everyone here and start over as some one else?
Monday, May 20, 2013
Late May Rambling
So I've been on break for a couple months. I can feel my period is around the corner. Plus that bliss-filled feeling of not worrying about what I'll do next or whether I'm doing everything right has come to an end. I can feel this next cycle sneaking up on my like mid-west thunder storm. Warm, wet, a little scary and passing by quickly. But the fear in the moment will be there. The tears are coming, I can feel them. I haven't even 'failed' anything yet.
So much has changed in these two months and so much is exactly as it was when I took my last bow. Will my ship ever move forward?
I walked with a long time friend today - and shared how difficult it is to stay friends with her because her life has moved on, while I am in constant struggle. I'm even an optimistic person, which must be why it doesn't seem so difficult to those who know me, watch me from afar. She offered her apologies that my life has been so difficult. She's had some great progress with her family and career. I told her how expensive having this disease with no insurance coverage is, how difficult it is to be looking for a new house when I don't even know if we'll have our dream of children, let alone how much out of pocket it is going to cost to create them. I told her she was lucky. She told me she was sorry there was nothing she could do for me. That I have done all the 'right' things.
I told her that what I've learned in my life, is there is no right or wrong. we just do and sometimes we're lucky and the rest of the time, we're not.
So much has changed in these two months and so much is exactly as it was when I took my last bow. Will my ship ever move forward?
I walked with a long time friend today - and shared how difficult it is to stay friends with her because her life has moved on, while I am in constant struggle. I'm even an optimistic person, which must be why it doesn't seem so difficult to those who know me, watch me from afar. She offered her apologies that my life has been so difficult. She's had some great progress with her family and career. I told her how expensive having this disease with no insurance coverage is, how difficult it is to be looking for a new house when I don't even know if we'll have our dream of children, let alone how much out of pocket it is going to cost to create them. I told her she was lucky. She told me she was sorry there was nothing she could do for me. That I have done all the 'right' things.
I told her that what I've learned in my life, is there is no right or wrong. we just do and sometimes we're lucky and the rest of the time, we're not.
Monday, March 11, 2013
When a Clown Tossed a Baby at My Hubby
I've been doing the best I can lately with keeping a better attitude when in public and with friends and having baby-talk and such. Plus, I've begun to actually go OUT with my hubby and do date-like 'normal' things that couples do. Amazing, I know! ;) Well, last night was a special date night.
We went to Cirque du Soleil with two other couples that we do yoga with twice a week. I thought it would be safe enough - maybe kids in the crowd, but should be safe for an IFer, right? lol...
One of the couples started out by asking me, "So, when's the little bambeano arriving?" Hubby and I dropped our jaws, not sure what he was asking. I replied before I knew it, by saying, "That's a touchy topic for me." He goes on to say he was so sorry, that he sticks his foot in his mouth all the time. My guess, my yoga instructor told him that I missed yoga the other night because I may be pregnant - only what I told her was I was that I had to miss because I needed to take care of myself and she knew I had done a procedure, so I think she jumped to a conclusion.
Then he says, oh I'm sorry, I just want you to know I want to to be it's best gay uncle! I told him he was sweet, not to worry about it, that it is a difficult thing for us to talk about. He then says, well I'm praying for you guys. DH kicked my shin and we both smiled and said. Thank you.
Then the show starts, it's cool and fun and bendie. We tease each other about our split poses and decide our yoga instructor, who was with us, would be torturing us with trying to tie into those poses this week. Then, the clowns come out. They do some random sketch that apparently means they were having sex and the girl clown turns around wearing a pregnancy pillow. They do a whole drawn out thing, DH turns to me and says, "Seriously, even at Cirque du Soleil? Can we catch a break?"
We divert our eyes and chat with each other for a second until the man clown 'delivers' 6 footballs that are supposed to be their babies.. and begins to throw them out to the audience. Guess who has to catch one?
Yep, my DH. He stared at me and looked like he was going to puke. Poor guy. They tell the men holding the 'babies' to cradle them stand up so everyone could see. And ask everyone to sing along in a lullaby. Finally, he gets to toss the 'baby' back to the clown. I could feel him trying to be a good sport as he was feeling whatever what going on in his head.
We get to the car and he says, "WTF? The only way I get a baby is by having one chucked at me by a clown?"
Eventually, we laughed about it and thought it may be a good sign. But I could tell DH was hurt. It felt like the universe was mocking us in front of everyone. Even though we were the only ones who know what we are facing.
Our friends made the expected comments, "maybe it's a sign?", "wow, now you're ready to be a daddy" .. none of it felt good and we played it off as though we weren't affected by it. But, damn. That hurt.
Thursday, March 7, 2013
Wide Awake
It's 2 am I can't sleep. I am terrified.
The dreams keep swirling around my head.
Will I? Won't I?
Is my doctor paying attention to me?
How much longer will this take?
Will I feel again?
What if I ran away? Is it possible to start over?
Will I find meaning?
Why me?
... Moments of weakness creeping up on me. So lonely and yet I put on a good show.
I am looking for something to cling to. I am holding my heart, but it keeps slipping away.
The dreams keep swirling around my head.
Will I? Won't I?
Is my doctor paying attention to me?
How much longer will this take?
Will I feel again?
What if I ran away? Is it possible to start over?
Will I find meaning?
Why me?
... Moments of weakness creeping up on me. So lonely and yet I put on a good show.
I am looking for something to cling to. I am holding my heart, but it keeps slipping away.
Wednesday, March 6, 2013
These are my friends
So, I was a bit angry yesterday.
Sometimes I use this blog to vent.
That's the beauty of authoring content that you can post in an emotional fit and you don't have to think twice about those whom it addresses. They will never don't know if it's about them, plus there's no telling if they are following along!
My online buddies got a peak at that post and boy did they have a thing or two to add. Many are feeling just like I describe, that so may friends & family just don't know how to be supportive. Even if they have gone through the pain of IF, no two persons have the same diagnosis or resolve. We are all different. It seems such an easy concept. We are all different, so why not offer compassion to the relationship when someone is hurting? Instead, I think, most people only know how to offer empathy.
According to Dictionary.com
When we offer compassion we are opening a door to join forces and find healing. I believe compassion is not offering a solution, but listening to the hurt party to support them in their own healing.
My online friends, the women on my boards, offer unending compassion for each other. It is so beautiful to read the posts they share. I have become email friends with some of them. I hope we stay friends long after our IF battle is done and well into our grey-haired days.
I find hope in the future when a complete stranger online tells me she is thinking of me on the day of my procedure. When I get personal messages that ask how I'm doing, that she noticed my comment on another thread and it sounded like I was struggling that day.
These are women of compassion.
These are the mothers of the future.
These are my friends.
Sometimes I use this blog to vent.
That's the beauty of authoring content that you can post in an emotional fit and you don't have to think twice about those whom it addresses. They will never don't know if it's about them, plus there's no telling if they are following along!
My online buddies got a peak at that post and boy did they have a thing or two to add. Many are feeling just like I describe, that so may friends & family just don't know how to be supportive. Even if they have gone through the pain of IF, no two persons have the same diagnosis or resolve. We are all different. It seems such an easy concept. We are all different, so why not offer compassion to the relationship when someone is hurting? Instead, I think, most people only know how to offer empathy.
According to Dictionary.com
Empathy: the intellectual identification with or vicarious experiencing of the feelings, thoughts, or attitudes of another.The problem I see is that when we feel empathy, we automatically make it about ourselves, we make their sorrow with our own. We don't always reach outside ourselves to be of supportive, but instead this is where all those stories about "this one woman I know, stood on one leg and hopped backwards from LA to SFO and she now has beautiful twins", "you just need to relax". Do this, do that, the list of 'fixes' go on and on, but the hurt party goes on feeling as though they haven't been heard.
Compassion: a feeling of deep sympathy and sorrow for another who is stricken by misfortune, accompanied by a strong desire to alleviate the suffering.
When we offer compassion we are opening a door to join forces and find healing. I believe compassion is not offering a solution, but listening to the hurt party to support them in their own healing.
My online friends, the women on my boards, offer unending compassion for each other. It is so beautiful to read the posts they share. I have become email friends with some of them. I hope we stay friends long after our IF battle is done and well into our grey-haired days.
I find hope in the future when a complete stranger online tells me she is thinking of me on the day of my procedure. When I get personal messages that ask how I'm doing, that she noticed my comment on another thread and it sounded like I was struggling that day.
These are women of compassion.
These are the mothers of the future.
These are my friends.
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