Looking forward to my suprise.

Today I find myself digging deep to find kindness and compassion for myself as others around me are announcing their happy pregnancies.  I head away for a few weeks to celebrate the wedding of a brother and his bride - and her pregnant belly.  I will return to thank my neighbors for watching my home and celebrate by giving them thanks and congratulations on their newly announced pregnancy.

I realize I need to take care of myself during these tough times.  But I have a hard time accepting why it is I am having these troubles, when so many others seem to start their families as a 'surprise'.

Hearing the sadness in my husband voice as he tries to console me and offers his apologies that yet another person announces their pregnancy and we are childless.  Trying for years, looking at a heap of cash that may or may not produce our greatest dream come true.  It is the sadness in his voice that touches me the most. We haven't given up. We are digging deep. We love each other more than ever.  Yet, we are sick of feeling forced into keeping our lives on hold until we reach some next phase in our lives. Will that next phase be with a childe(ren) or without? We don't feel we can 'treat' ourselves in reaching for some of our other goals in life: buying a new home,  moving to a new city, taking a sunny relaxing vacation.  Instead every dollar is attached to 'maybe baby'. The money we'd spend going out to dinner "should" be saved for that upcoming ultrasound. The money I'd spend on meeting friends for afternoon tea/lunch needs to be saved for that next round of medications/herbs/acupuncture... Even the savings we've created with the help of cutting off our cable TV, making bread at home, using a Soda Stream instead of buying his soda at the store.. and the list goes on.. all these cost cutting factors don't seem to be getting us closer to our family.  Only time will tell.   Only time and possibly some good luck will bring what we yearn for most.  What we always have on our minds. What we are meant to be.

little spark of optimism

I had a nice weekend. Saw some friends, played a little, worked on a boat. I have already dug deep for this IF journey. I'm having a spell of 'wanna give up'.  On everything. It's a terrible place to be. I just ordered a book on AMZ, maybe it will help me feel like fighting longer. Maybe it will give me more self confidence and strength to keep muddling through.  I don't know.

What I am aware of is the stabbing pain that I feel when I see families. The kick in the gut I feel when a friend innocently enough shares some small accomplishment of their child. The emptiness I feel when my 'child-free' friends ask me to plan a great vacation to Italy together next Spring.  No  one is overtly trying to hurt me or harm my feelings. Hell, I don't even obsess about this on a moment by moment basis. But it creeps up on me when I'm just 'living'. And all these little moments are adding up to one big heartbreak. One that I wish I could let go of. 

So what am I grateful for today?  I guess that would be amazon.com.  In my few moments of checking out some bloggers I follow, I came upon a post that recommended a book.  Because of that, my day has a little spark of optimism. And I'm going to hold onto it with all I've got left. Sometimes that's all we can do, right?

Another year of being Grateful

My birthday kicked the can the other day and I have to say, realizing that I've gone four years of wishing for 'baby' on my birthday cake with nothing to show for it is pretty sad.  Okay, yeah I'm sad. What else is new? I've been on this same f'ing journey and turning to blogging and posting on forums to give my self a chance to let out how much confusion and downright anger that I feel since beginning a journey to mommy-hood.

I even titled my blog something completely different so I wouldn't 'dwell' in the sadness that has become my mind since month after month of reliving a failure that I feel I have no control over - even though I imagine I am doing everything under the sun to prepare me to be ready to deliver my own son/daughter.   But I wait. And I wait. And I tell one friend a 'highlight' of what I've been going through since the last time we got together - you know, "So I'm still taking these herbs, and going to acupuncture weekly and keeping my diet in line with what the doctor has asked. I still use only organic soaps, only glass Tupperware and have air filters throughout the house. I still do fertility yoga, walk as much as I can. Meditate, rest, and have been getting a solid 5+ hours of sleep a night. More that I can ever remember getting as an adult. And yes, I had my hormones tested again and they are indeed getting to a more 'normal' range. And yes, my RE will not do procedures with my genetics unless my hormones are in a solid 'normal' range. And yes, I do still somehow keep my spirits up as much as possible. And yes, I'm still not pregnant."

So I focus on what I am grateful for: 

• My beautiful dog. she just turned 15! that's something to be grateful for.
• My adoring husband.  He has come a long way on this journey, and the hardships have really brought us closer.
• That I have a job. It's by far not my dream job, but it is, a job.
• That two of my brother's are understanding and compassionate about my situation.  This comes with some sadness, as telling them what I'm going through made more tears in their eyes than mine.
• That I have a strong and caring Acupuncturist/Chinese Herbalist who specializes in Fertility who believes that I will carry my own babies full term. I wish I could have such faith in my future.
• The fun ladies on Resolve, who keep me smiling and crying at all the right times. They reach out a helping hand to all of us who read & post.

 It's such a lonely road, this IF.  I find myself afraid to share too much with those that know, and afraid to share anything with those who don't.  It's like fighting a secret battle that affects everything I do in a day.  I'd like to grab a cocktail with friends after work. I'd like to continue training for marathons.  I'd like to go to Disneyland with my hubby, but all the kids there will remind me of what we lack. I'd like to feel comfortable with my family, but there are 20 nieces and nephews. I am the only sibling without kids. My sisters don't invite me and my husband to their joint family vacations. Because we don't have a 'family'.  They think I'm selfish, they think I choose this life.  They treat me different.  They will never know the truth, because they have been so hurtful.   They don't accept me or support me and that too makes me sad.

So I must look at my list above and remind myself why I started this blog. To be grateful. To recognize all that is in this life to celebrate.