When a Clown Tossed a Baby at My Hubby

I've been doing the best I can lately with keeping a better attitude when in public and with friends and having baby-talk and such. Plus, I've begun to actually go OUT with my hubby and do date-like 'normal' things that couples do. Amazing, I know! ;) Well, last night was a special date night.

We went to Cirque du Soleil with two other couples that we do yoga with twice a week. I thought it would be safe enough - maybe kids in the crowd, but should be safe for an IFer, right? lol...

One of the couples started out by asking me, "So, when's the little bambeano arriving?" Hubby and I dropped our jaws, not sure what he was asking. I replied before I knew it, by saying, "That's a touchy topic for me." He goes on to say he was so sorry, that he sticks his foot in his mouth all the time. My guess, my yoga instructor told him that I missed yoga the other night because I may be pregnant - only what I told her was I was that I had to miss because I needed to take care of myself and she knew I had done a procedure, so I think she jumped to a conclusion.
Then he says, oh I'm sorry, I just want you to know I want to to be it's best gay uncle! I told him he was sweet, not to worry about it, that it is a difficult thing for us to talk about. He then says, well I'm praying for you guys. DH kicked my shin and we both smiled and said. Thank you.

Then the show starts, it's cool and fun and bendie. We tease each other about our split poses and decide our yoga instructor, who was with us, would be torturing us with trying to tie into those poses this week. Then, the clowns come out. They do some random sketch that apparently means they were having sex and the girl clown turns around wearing a pregnancy pillow. They do a whole drawn out thing, DH turns to me and says, "Seriously, even at Cirque du Soleil? Can we catch a break?"

We divert our eyes and chat with each other for a second until the man clown 'delivers' 6 footballs that are supposed to be their babies.. and begins to throw them out to the audience. Guess who has to catch one?

Yep, my DH. He stared at me and looked like he was going to puke. Poor guy. They tell the men holding the 'babies' to cradle them stand up so everyone could see. And ask everyone to sing along in a lullaby. Finally, he gets to toss the 'baby' back to the clown. I could feel him trying to be a good sport as he was feeling whatever what going on in his head.

We get to the car and he says, "WTF? The only way I get a baby is by having one chucked at me by a clown?"

Eventually, we laughed about it and thought it may be a good sign. But I could tell DH was hurt. It felt like the universe was mocking us in front of everyone. Even though we were the only ones who know what we are facing.

Our friends made the expected comments, "maybe it's a sign?", "wow, now you're ready to be a daddy" .. none of it felt good and we played it off as though we weren't affected by it. But, damn. That hurt.

Grateful for you

Tomorrow is a big day for me.
Tomorrow I take another leap toward my dream.
Tomorrow is a big day for you.
Tomorrow you learn when your son will arrive.
I hope things will work out.

For both of us.

My head is heavy from the moments that led to this day.
Will we triumph?
Will we succeed?
Will we get our hearts desire?
I want our dreams to come true.
I yearn for a happy chapter in this life.
I look for a day when this is all behind us.

I wish
I could
be a better sister
for you now.

if only
we both
weren't struggling
at the same
time.

I wish
I could
share my

with you.

Grateful for knowing when to say: Goodbye

I've been feeling a lot more optimistic these last couple weeks!

I stayed away from my family over Thanksgiving.  Gave myself a chance to be free of awkward waves of emotion.  Freed myself from walking into an extended family setting sweating and praying that no one hurts my feelings. Dodging conversations between siblings who stand in front of me talking to each other but keep me from joining their circle.  YEAH!! I stayed away from the jerks that brought me up in this world!  I kinda feel like I'm finally growing up!  I fantasized about never, ever, ever seeing them again.  I have actually been obsessing a little about that -  about moving far away and changing my name and never mentioning them again. And it feels GOOD! 

Dear Husband and I have come to a decision about our next protocol. Two, maybe three more IUIs, make that aggressive IUIs with FSH shooting through my body for 6 days, maybe more and then a big ole HCG shot and then fingers crossed that some kind of miracle will occur. 

If it doesn't, then our journey moves on to getting third party help with genetics, Donor Eggs. I feel so lucky that I am alive when this option is viable and that I am actually able to consider it.

But it does come with fear,  a lot of fear.  I am practicing being strong in the face of this fear. I've written about my family before. I have a lot of sisters. I don't feel they have every accepted or liked me and really don't think of me unless they need me to do something. I guess, I just don't feel very.. related to them. So why then do I get so upset thinking about having a child that isn't my genetic match?  I'm not too keen on my own genetic sisters so why should I want my own child to share their genes? I guess, because they are my genes. They are my unique identifiers. They are all I have to pass on in this world. And it hurts to let that hope, idea, that right, go away. To release it into the world and simply hope for the best outcome. Hope that my sisters and their families won't push my family aside. Although, I'm sure they would even if the child was genetically mine.  I think no matter what I could do my sisters will not accept me or love me the way I imagine it could be, the way I wish it was.  They just don't have it in them to be the sisters I've always hoped to have. Sure they share and take care of each other, but I've never been a part of that equation and that has to be that.  I can feel  upset by it. I can feel hurt. But none of that is going to change their actions.   I have nothing to prove to them, especially via my child(ren).  When I become pregnant, however I become pregnant, it is going to be my own journey. I have to stop thinking of my life with them playing major characters. I only have to share my story with the people I choose.  That means I will cut out some family and some friends. I feel it already beginning now.  Those I choose not to be around, not to chat, text, visit with. I think I will let them fall behind and take care of the most important person right now. Me.  This will lead me to my future. 

I make a promise to myself that I will be supportive of my decisions.  I am doing the very best with the information I have uncovered. I am treating my body well, I could do better with my mind. I could do less with the family I was born into. I may think I need them now, but they have chosen so long ago that they don't want me. This isn't a time to 'bond' with sisters or friends who already have full lives. It's okay for me to honor my feelings and emotions and let them all go.

If I were to talk to my girl self, I would tell her that no good will come of looking up to our sisters because time after time they will fail to provide the support we long for.  Our greatest cause of sadness and depression will come from being constantly rejected from these women who we look up to. They are simply the wrong target for our affection.  The power we have within is mighty and strong and our energy would be much better spent treating our-self like the winner, like the kewl kid, like the person who has value and promise. Because, nobody else will ever to this for us. It is up to me and we alone to give our life importance and respect.  I really wish I could have pulled my 5 year old self aside and prepared her like this - could you imagine the joy and happiness I could have experienced by now? 

Maybe this is why I'm feeling better.  I am letting go. Letting the family I was born into fall away and this time I will not scramble to pull pieces together.  It's okay that I don't like my family, it's okay they don't like me. Many haven't done much to deserve my love, my adoration, or to be a part of my life. So as this year turns toward its end, I am saying goodbye. Goodbye to my sisters. I choose only  two brothers, and that suits me just fine!
 

Grateful for heartache

Came across this article the other day - just as I was thinking of giving up.

How to Let Your Purpose Find You - by Umair Haque

Well, maybe not giving up, but throwing in the towel. You see, I believe there is a difference. I will never give up hope that we can build a family. It's just that things have gotten to a point where the reality has sunk in that in order to create this family, I need to be ready for a hefty payment. On the one hand, I can should be feeling thankful that I may just be able to afford the payment. On the other hand, I can't help but wonder what could have come of the monies if we could just conceive on our own? 

I mean, isn't the typical or ideal situation that you save up a little "maybe baby nest egg"? You set aside some money to pay for all the doctor appointments that occur during pregnancy? A little aside to paint a room in your home to make a lovely nursery? A little something to buy the stretchy clothes that are sold in those special Maternity stores? Not to mention to buy the newborn diapers and clothes and pumps and bottles etc?  And where will the money come from when we DO conceive? We will still have to create a nursery, wear clothes and change diapers.  Ask anyone you know - I bet you won't find a single person tell you that they saved for a "possible infertility nest egg"!

"immerse yourself in stuff that makes you hurt, ache — that maybe even makes your heart break a little bit (or a lot). You're feeling the stirrings of empathy — and purpose, Big Love, needs Big Empathy like the river flows to the sea." Umair Haque

You see, I get to endure month after month filled with reminders that my body was attacked by this disease without any signs, symptoms or test results. It all happened out of chance. Or so says one of my doctors.  I have a disease that isn't covered by health insurance. I have a disease that many people think if I just 'relax' it will heal itself.  I have a disease that isn't acceptable to talk about.  Even when I do reach the other side, and start my family, it won't be acceptable to talk about this disease.  I have a disease that has no clear cure. I am asked to replace myself in order to heal.  And to me - that is heartache. This is the gut wrenching pain that Umair Haque writes about in his article. 

Umair writes about choosing to live in the heartbreak. About how taking the long road gives you experiences - including failures - which may just isolate what is most important in you. He writes about Living Little: taking time to notice moments, images, sound bites.  All those tiny pieces that add up to the whole picture of things. He believes that in the midst of heartache, pain, suffering, living off the gut; our purpose will find us.  And through this we will come to understand ourselves in a way that will make us feel just that little bit more together, more connected, more whole.

Well, here I am in the midst of the deepest pain and heartache I've encountered in all my life. I am Living Little with Big Love. I am stirring in empathy and saying "Hello" to purpose.