When a Clown Tossed a Baby at My Hubby

I've been doing the best I can lately with keeping a better attitude when in public and with friends and having baby-talk and such. Plus, I've begun to actually go OUT with my hubby and do date-like 'normal' things that couples do. Amazing, I know! ;) Well, last night was a special date night.

We went to Cirque du Soleil with two other couples that we do yoga with twice a week. I thought it would be safe enough - maybe kids in the crowd, but should be safe for an IFer, right? lol...

One of the couples started out by asking me, "So, when's the little bambeano arriving?" Hubby and I dropped our jaws, not sure what he was asking. I replied before I knew it, by saying, "That's a touchy topic for me." He goes on to say he was so sorry, that he sticks his foot in his mouth all the time. My guess, my yoga instructor told him that I missed yoga the other night because I may be pregnant - only what I told her was I was that I had to miss because I needed to take care of myself and she knew I had done a procedure, so I think she jumped to a conclusion.
Then he says, oh I'm sorry, I just want you to know I want to to be it's best gay uncle! I told him he was sweet, not to worry about it, that it is a difficult thing for us to talk about. He then says, well I'm praying for you guys. DH kicked my shin and we both smiled and said. Thank you.

Then the show starts, it's cool and fun and bendie. We tease each other about our split poses and decide our yoga instructor, who was with us, would be torturing us with trying to tie into those poses this week. Then, the clowns come out. They do some random sketch that apparently means they were having sex and the girl clown turns around wearing a pregnancy pillow. They do a whole drawn out thing, DH turns to me and says, "Seriously, even at Cirque du Soleil? Can we catch a break?"

We divert our eyes and chat with each other for a second until the man clown 'delivers' 6 footballs that are supposed to be their babies.. and begins to throw them out to the audience. Guess who has to catch one?

Yep, my DH. He stared at me and looked like he was going to puke. Poor guy. They tell the men holding the 'babies' to cradle them stand up so everyone could see. And ask everyone to sing along in a lullaby. Finally, he gets to toss the 'baby' back to the clown. I could feel him trying to be a good sport as he was feeling whatever what going on in his head.

We get to the car and he says, "WTF? The only way I get a baby is by having one chucked at me by a clown?"

Eventually, we laughed about it and thought it may be a good sign. But I could tell DH was hurt. It felt like the universe was mocking us in front of everyone. Even though we were the only ones who know what we are facing.

Our friends made the expected comments, "maybe it's a sign?", "wow, now you're ready to be a daddy" .. none of it felt good and we played it off as though we weren't affected by it. But, damn. That hurt.

Grateful for - a positive being a positive

Hey gang,

I hope you all had a great New Year's!

Mine was a mixed bag. I had a baseline US scheduled for Sunday, went in on CD2 (or so I thought) and cysts were found. Not one or two but a bundle of them and they were huge. So, of course the technician tells me we will likely not be starting this cycle and that we may not even have to do blood work.  But low and behold, my RE suggested we do an estrodial check. I find out later on Sunday that that E2 is super high (115). The nurse tells me they want to do a blood pregnancy test, just in case. 

Monday rolls around and it's New Year's Eve - I'm planning to have a couple drinks, since I was under the impression my cycle was screwed but then I get the phone call. 
"We did the blood test and there's a very faint positive, you are pregnant. However, it's so low we are not very confident it will be viable."  So, of course I ask what the number was, what does this mean and where do I go from here?  She says, "it will likely resolve on it's own. The RE thinks an embryo tried to implant but didn't stick.  However, it's possible that you didn't ovulate when we did the trigger shot so this may be a very early testing of a positive pregnancy, and then the bad side would be that this could be an ectopic pregnancy.  We want to schedule you for another blood test next week to keep an eye on this to see it go back down to 0. Then we will discuss if we can move forward with your next cycle."

That's when I took a breathe.  So to wrap this up - basically she's telling me after all these years I get a positive - and it's not really a positive, positive.  I know I can look at this like another stab in the heart (which it is, believe me) or I can consider this a somewhat positive sign that at least I finally got a positive. But what does that mean? I still have issues and I can only hope that this cycle will shed light on some other option that may help us start our family.  I decided to fake the rest of the day not focusing on what was going on in my uterus. I talked my way out of oysters and champagne and toasted 2013 with bubbly water, not once mentioning to our close friends what we were going through.

Part of me really hopes I am a surprise case of "ovulated after the trigger" and am starting a healthy full term pregnancy. And part of me is preparing for the sadness that will inevitably set in if the test comes back negative - or even not conclusive, meaning I may have an ectopic.  There are so many 'what if's' running through my head. Seeing into the future would be really beneficial about now!

Grateful for the strength from others

I fell apart today. 

I know the holidays are around the corner. IF has robbed me of my confidence.  I lost my job earlier this year. I gained 15 lbs in about a month.  I can't handle being with family or friends, especially those with children. 

I lost one of my oldest friends - she has 2 kids and once mentioned that a co-worker had a DE and DS IVF and my friend couldn't believe that someone would do that.  I could only reply by saying that when you are stuck with IF, you do what you can afford to become parent. No matter what.  I haven't scheduled a play date with her since.  I'm bitter. She doesn't understand - and really, why should she? It's not fun or glamorous to live with this pain.   I have replaced my years of love and friendship with such judgement and anger. I don't like this part of me. 

I can't truly open up to the few family & friends who tolerate me.   Instead, I beat myself up inside. I am clinging onto the hope that the 'plan' my DH are progressing on will allow us to reach our goal. There are no guarantees. 

I'm lucky to have the most supportive husband in the world. He hasn't left me, in fact he reminds me how lucky he feels to be in this life with me, all the time.  I have held it together for some time. I used to break apart on a bi-weekly basis. I'm on progesterone, so maybe that's aiding and abating my emotional outburst.

I participate in an online forum, it gives me some hope and inspiration.  I'm grateful for the relationships I have there. The ladies today posted about the desire to feel normal. To feel confidence to simply go out with the girls for a cocktail to celebrate the holidays.  I can't do that without lying about why I'm no longer drinking wine. About why I've changed my diet. About why I don't ask about their kids. About why I don't really have anything to add to the conversation. This year has been a more that difficult.  I struggle daily with IF, I lost my job, I did several failed cycles of expensive IUIs, I added a ton of weight and that makes me feel horrible.  REs have suggested I go straight to DE IVF.  That's even more expensive. These online women have kep my head above water.  Even though our conversations are short and only online and I have no idea who any of them really are, I trust them to share my daily rants. To ask my silly questions. To gain strength from their confidence.  

I'm grateful for the strength of others.