Grateful for your pangs

I spent the week with you on my mind
Each pinch, each ache, each pang
from gas?
from you?
Were you implanting in my womb?

I heard your news today
I am relieved your worry is put to
rest
Your life moves on
You can move forward
The next chapter is about
to begin

I continue to count the days
my sides remind me I am no
closer to fine
I take in my hope each
morning and night

I hold a candle that I
will not be disappointed
I hold you in my heart today
I will not
let you go

each day will pass
you are always
on my
mind
in my
thoughts
a part of me

I feel whole
when I
imagine us together

I keep a light on for you
in my heart
in my soul
you are a part of us
already

Grateful for you

Tomorrow is a big day for me.
Tomorrow I take another leap toward my dream.
Tomorrow is a big day for you.
Tomorrow you learn when your son will arrive.
I hope things will work out.

For both of us.

My head is heavy from the moments that led to this day.
Will we triumph?
Will we succeed?
Will we get our hearts desire?
I want our dreams to come true.
I yearn for a happy chapter in this life.
I look for a day when this is all behind us.

I wish
I could
be a better sister
for you now.

if only
we both
weren't struggling
at the same
time.

I wish
I could
share my

with you.

Grateful for knowing when to say: Goodbye

I've been feeling a lot more optimistic these last couple weeks!

I stayed away from my family over Thanksgiving.  Gave myself a chance to be free of awkward waves of emotion.  Freed myself from walking into an extended family setting sweating and praying that no one hurts my feelings. Dodging conversations between siblings who stand in front of me talking to each other but keep me from joining their circle.  YEAH!! I stayed away from the jerks that brought me up in this world!  I kinda feel like I'm finally growing up!  I fantasized about never, ever, ever seeing them again.  I have actually been obsessing a little about that -  about moving far away and changing my name and never mentioning them again. And it feels GOOD! 

Dear Husband and I have come to a decision about our next protocol. Two, maybe three more IUIs, make that aggressive IUIs with FSH shooting through my body for 6 days, maybe more and then a big ole HCG shot and then fingers crossed that some kind of miracle will occur. 

If it doesn't, then our journey moves on to getting third party help with genetics, Donor Eggs. I feel so lucky that I am alive when this option is viable and that I am actually able to consider it.

But it does come with fear,  a lot of fear.  I am practicing being strong in the face of this fear. I've written about my family before. I have a lot of sisters. I don't feel they have every accepted or liked me and really don't think of me unless they need me to do something. I guess, I just don't feel very.. related to them. So why then do I get so upset thinking about having a child that isn't my genetic match?  I'm not too keen on my own genetic sisters so why should I want my own child to share their genes? I guess, because they are my genes. They are my unique identifiers. They are all I have to pass on in this world. And it hurts to let that hope, idea, that right, go away. To release it into the world and simply hope for the best outcome. Hope that my sisters and their families won't push my family aside. Although, I'm sure they would even if the child was genetically mine.  I think no matter what I could do my sisters will not accept me or love me the way I imagine it could be, the way I wish it was.  They just don't have it in them to be the sisters I've always hoped to have. Sure they share and take care of each other, but I've never been a part of that equation and that has to be that.  I can feel  upset by it. I can feel hurt. But none of that is going to change their actions.   I have nothing to prove to them, especially via my child(ren).  When I become pregnant, however I become pregnant, it is going to be my own journey. I have to stop thinking of my life with them playing major characters. I only have to share my story with the people I choose.  That means I will cut out some family and some friends. I feel it already beginning now.  Those I choose not to be around, not to chat, text, visit with. I think I will let them fall behind and take care of the most important person right now. Me.  This will lead me to my future. 

I make a promise to myself that I will be supportive of my decisions.  I am doing the very best with the information I have uncovered. I am treating my body well, I could do better with my mind. I could do less with the family I was born into. I may think I need them now, but they have chosen so long ago that they don't want me. This isn't a time to 'bond' with sisters or friends who already have full lives. It's okay for me to honor my feelings and emotions and let them all go.

If I were to talk to my girl self, I would tell her that no good will come of looking up to our sisters because time after time they will fail to provide the support we long for.  Our greatest cause of sadness and depression will come from being constantly rejected from these women who we look up to. They are simply the wrong target for our affection.  The power we have within is mighty and strong and our energy would be much better spent treating our-self like the winner, like the kewl kid, like the person who has value and promise. Because, nobody else will ever to this for us. It is up to me and we alone to give our life importance and respect.  I really wish I could have pulled my 5 year old self aside and prepared her like this - could you imagine the joy and happiness I could have experienced by now? 

Maybe this is why I'm feeling better.  I am letting go. Letting the family I was born into fall away and this time I will not scramble to pull pieces together.  It's okay that I don't like my family, it's okay they don't like me. Many haven't done much to deserve my love, my adoration, or to be a part of my life. So as this year turns toward its end, I am saying goodbye. Goodbye to my sisters. I choose only  two brothers, and that suits me just fine!
 

Happy Thanksgiving

It's that time of year -  when we share our gratitude with the world.  Below is my top 10 list - what's yours?

I wish you all the warmest Thanksgiving holiday!!

Gratitude List - 2012
this year I give thanks for:

1. my husband - for his love, his strength in this time or sorrow, his hugs, humor, his cherry-tomato cheeks and for his lifelong companionship 
2. my dog - for her beautiful sleeping smiles, her calming breath, her acceptance, her sleep running, her ever forgiving embrace and the way she holds my hands with her paws
3. my parents - you have no idea that I am fighting this battle, above all else this is the hardest part of our relationship. I want more than anything to let you in and get your support but I know you have your own struggles and lives that don't need to be soured by my problems. I thank you for becoming DH and my friends. We value every minute we get to spend together, every meal we get to share, every flower we send each other. 
4. my family that are truly friends - for always sending a reply to my texts, always sharing your home with us, opening your arms and hearts to us even when we are too emotional to explain what's gone awry
5. my friends - who walk with me, talk with me, introduce me to new options, empower me to feel the strength in sharing my life and listen to my soul and remind me that I DO matter
6. my opinions - it's been a lot of years that I kept you quiet. I make an effort each day to now allow you to run wild. I owe you an apology for being so scared to be wrong.  You above all are a purpose driven emotion and in this stage of my life I respect you more than ever
7. my fears - we have had a chance to really get to know each other lately. Although we are not out of the woods yet, you have guided me, challenged me, taken over and moved aside. I look forward to a future where you no longer need to protect me and take such prevalence in my life
8. my crockpot - for giving me something new to learn, to get creative and to be nourished
9. my blog - for creating an outlet where I feel free to speak my mind, anonymously whether I am having a good day or bad. For teaching me that getting negative thoughts out of my head can be healing. For giving me a responsibility when I had lost all desire to get up in the morning.
10. my hope - that I will have more to be grateful for next year