Originally written on 2/23/2016....while my ex was having an affair that I knew nothing about and defended him daily on why he should treat me so awful.
I have healed so much since this past reality - wow..I am one strong bitch! <3
-----written by me as a draft on 2/23/2016... about 3 years ago to the day... -----------------------
It seems cliché to me to admit the different lifestyle that exists when a child is your responsibility. I have fought so hard for my daughter and love her in ways I didn't know I was capable of. Yes, another cliche. But what I was told and am now experiencing is that choosing not to work and become this new version of me is incredibly difficult. I have lost touch with all of my work friends. In part because some were just not into kids, already had kids, and mostly they don't know of my journey to grow as a mother. I have lost my friends with no kids. No more invites to the mountains, bars, movies. My long time mom friends seem to want to nod from afar and giggle at my discussions of sleeping less, and feeling isolated. Not always empathetic to what I am going through. And my husband is still richly connected to his work world, while adjusting to his role as dad in this house.
In all of this, I feel pretty alone. I have a wonderful friend, who by text and phone, has helped me a lot. However we live across the country from each other.
I guess what I am blogging about today, is the reality of postpartum sadness. Perhaps I need to visit my doctor, but these feelings of loneliness as though I am not important in the larger world are getting to me. I feel overwhelmed to simply hire a sitter during a weekday to take a nap, or finish a load of chores. It's like I feel that the money I would spend to do that is selfish, that I should be doing all of the chores alone, since I don't have a job! The funny thing is I am doing basically all the same chores I was usually on top of as a working women. I always did all the laundry, dishes, bathroom cleaning, vacuuming etc, and I was home 1/4 less than I am these days. Watching or bringing up my baby is a lot of work, the night nursing is a beautiful part of this journey. I even wear her in a wrap most days as I clean dishes, vacuum, do laundry and clean. But it still feels I don't get what I intend to Done.
I feel like my body is turning off. Emotions. Sleep. Desire. Hunger. I am doing the chores in routine now. Even though I don't think I do them well like I used to. I feel my quality in life has been downgraded. None of this is blaming baby, I love every second with her and watching, teaching, nursing and learning from her.
But she can't have a full grown up conversation with me about today's politics, or healthy living or just offer feedback on whether I am doing well by her.
I realize this post is silly. I don't have many readers. But sometimes I get relief by just posting.
I haven't slept more than an hour or so in days. I am tired, but too wrung up to sleep. I miss having closeness with other adults.
Damn, now I'm being a whiner. Ugh. I better sign off and decide when I will delete this post.
Monday, March 18, 2019
Wow... If I knew then....
Well, all I can say is wow.
It's been a few years since my last post. Here I sit all these years wiser and will a beautiful little girl beside me.
She really is everything I ever dreamed about. And more.
My love for my little crazy monkey is boundless. She is the bees knees.
While I am so grateful for this addition to my family - I am also grateful for the ending of a major relationship. That one I posted about so often in the past. The one who turned one of my first posts about bawling and asking for understanding and forgiveness. The one who actually had me trained to apologize to him because I was feeling blue. Yeah, that one. He left the relationship while we were finally in a healthy pregnancy. Left the marriage nearly 13 months to the date of the most hero-ing nights of my life.
But I digress to speak of this person in any way other than with gratitude.
Gratitude? you may ask... yes, I am grateful for the selfishness and horrific behavior this guy shared with me for 20+ years. And in these post divorce years, the behavior continues. The jabs and attempts to get me apologizing for being alive and interrupting his happiness are on-going. You'd think his marriage to his affair less than a year after divorce was oddly timed... he didn't even include any of her children or his to the event. I'm grateful he continues to make decisions that remind me how healthy, strong and stable I AM as a person. It reminds me how much my relationship with our daughter is so unique. There is no substitution for me as her mom and no reason for me to ever be concerned that she and I are not two parts of the richest bond known to humankind.
So today, I blog about being grateful for a person in my past who had tried, so desperately, to tear me down, to make me feel shame at being my authentic self. Someone who belittled me in front of others. Someone who didn't know his asshole from his mouth. I am grateful that I am moved on. I am grateful I still harbor some hate and ill feelings, but also, have hopes that he somehow finds a way to be less self centered, narcissistic, hurtful and oblivious to the mess he creates each day. I will never care to be 'friends' with this person ever again, as some behavior will kill you if you keep it part of a friendship.
But I can be grateful for all I have gained becoming free of the ego monster.
I travel alone - and LOVE IT!! I still need to set my international trip asap. I am thinking S. America or S Africa - more on that later
I own my home 100% alone. I decorate as I wish, I clean as I wish, I grow a beautiful garden, raise an amazing dog, talk to my giant koi. My house is mine, and I invite whomever I wish to visit and enjoy a meal, a drink, a show.
I fix things. All things. I was always the home-fixer, even with that old relationship. Now, I have 100% pride in myself for learning how to build a dog crate, build a life-size kids outdoor playhouse, prune my trees each year, fix the washer/dryer, fix my car, shovel my snow, caulk my bathtubs. Mow my lawn, wash my windows. Buy my books, rent my movies. It's all up to me to build my home in my village. And I Love IT.
I am proud of who I am. I wept, I laughed, I stopped eating, I started eating again, I stopped working out, I started again. I couldn't be home alone, now, I value the time I get to be just me... or just me and my beautiful 4 legged friend.
I guess what I mean to say is... Thank you, Ex. For passing on being in my life. Thank you, I love having my life back.
I will no longer cater to the ego of another. I am worthy of much more than that. I deserve genuine love, genuine conversation, genuine truth, love and compassion.
I find these things in my friends (old and new), in my lovers, in my workmates. And what's great - is I now know how to return these things in kind.
That brings me to what I wish for you... I wish for you to be kind and generous. To be grateful and loving of the world around you. To have empathy and common sense as you navigate your future.
I only wish this for you - because actually loving others is the greatest freedom in this world. And I wish for you to someday experience life like mine. I am loved, admired, befriended, given such wonderful opportunities, simply because of the way I live my life.
So farewell, jackass. I will move on in my next post, sharing more things that fill me with gratitude!
It's been a few years since my last post. Here I sit all these years wiser and will a beautiful little girl beside me.
She really is everything I ever dreamed about. And more.
My love for my little crazy monkey is boundless. She is the bees knees.
While I am so grateful for this addition to my family - I am also grateful for the ending of a major relationship. That one I posted about so often in the past. The one who turned one of my first posts about bawling and asking for understanding and forgiveness. The one who actually had me trained to apologize to him because I was feeling blue. Yeah, that one. He left the relationship while we were finally in a healthy pregnancy. Left the marriage nearly 13 months to the date of the most hero-ing nights of my life.
But I digress to speak of this person in any way other than with gratitude.
Gratitude? you may ask... yes, I am grateful for the selfishness and horrific behavior this guy shared with me for 20+ years. And in these post divorce years, the behavior continues. The jabs and attempts to get me apologizing for being alive and interrupting his happiness are on-going. You'd think his marriage to his affair less than a year after divorce was oddly timed... he didn't even include any of her children or his to the event. I'm grateful he continues to make decisions that remind me how healthy, strong and stable I AM as a person. It reminds me how much my relationship with our daughter is so unique. There is no substitution for me as her mom and no reason for me to ever be concerned that she and I are not two parts of the richest bond known to humankind.
So today, I blog about being grateful for a person in my past who had tried, so desperately, to tear me down, to make me feel shame at being my authentic self. Someone who belittled me in front of others. Someone who didn't know his asshole from his mouth. I am grateful that I am moved on. I am grateful I still harbor some hate and ill feelings, but also, have hopes that he somehow finds a way to be less self centered, narcissistic, hurtful and oblivious to the mess he creates each day. I will never care to be 'friends' with this person ever again, as some behavior will kill you if you keep it part of a friendship.
But I can be grateful for all I have gained becoming free of the ego monster.
I travel alone - and LOVE IT!! I still need to set my international trip asap. I am thinking S. America or S Africa - more on that later
I own my home 100% alone. I decorate as I wish, I clean as I wish, I grow a beautiful garden, raise an amazing dog, talk to my giant koi. My house is mine, and I invite whomever I wish to visit and enjoy a meal, a drink, a show.
I fix things. All things. I was always the home-fixer, even with that old relationship. Now, I have 100% pride in myself for learning how to build a dog crate, build a life-size kids outdoor playhouse, prune my trees each year, fix the washer/dryer, fix my car, shovel my snow, caulk my bathtubs. Mow my lawn, wash my windows. Buy my books, rent my movies. It's all up to me to build my home in my village. And I Love IT.
I am proud of who I am. I wept, I laughed, I stopped eating, I started eating again, I stopped working out, I started again. I couldn't be home alone, now, I value the time I get to be just me... or just me and my beautiful 4 legged friend.
I guess what I mean to say is... Thank you, Ex. For passing on being in my life. Thank you, I love having my life back.
I will no longer cater to the ego of another. I am worthy of much more than that. I deserve genuine love, genuine conversation, genuine truth, love and compassion.
I find these things in my friends (old and new), in my lovers, in my workmates. And what's great - is I now know how to return these things in kind.
That brings me to what I wish for you... I wish for you to be kind and generous. To be grateful and loving of the world around you. To have empathy and common sense as you navigate your future.
I only wish this for you - because actually loving others is the greatest freedom in this world. And I wish for you to someday experience life like mine. I am loved, admired, befriended, given such wonderful opportunities, simply because of the way I live my life.
So farewell, jackass. I will move on in my next post, sharing more things that fill me with gratitude!
Sunday, October 18, 2015
Catching up
Wow, so I just published a post that I started more than a year ago.
It has been difficult. At that point I was so excited, we had transferred again and had the start of a little one grow inside. When I wrote, I didn't know that the twins would be less difficult to experience as that most recent pregnancy. We had our little girl through to the second trimester. I thought babies were supposed to be in the clear when you made it past 14 weeks. But our little one didn't make it. That was a fourth loss in too close a time.
With time we readied ourselves to try again, only this time we had very glum expectations. But thankfully we were surprised. The weeks kept passing and our baby kept fighting to grow and be with us. We still had some complications that took my full attention and I resigned from a great job to focus on the pregnancy and being healthy and reduced in stress. Last Spring our fantastic rainbow girl was born!
She is everything in our world. Beautiful. Hilarious. Inspiring. Fun. Smart. Athletic. And she's only a few months old!! The life with IF hasn't changed. I still hate LUVs commercials. Fertile soil still piss me off. I still wish and wonder if we will be able to have a second. We both nearly didn't make it through the birth, but in the end, we did. We made it. We are a family. In a way all we have gone through is over. I have her in my arms, on my breast, sleeping beside me. But the part of me that has struggled for all these years and lived so long wondering....what if? Is still working on accepting this new lifestyle. We are moving to a new home soon. In a neighborhood with children. We kept ourselves from this kind of interaction for years because the idea of being surrounded by fertiles scared me so much. Now here we are, seemingly one of them. We know the length it has taken to get here...and I sometimes feel like a fraud, like I should be carrying a load of struggle on my shoulders still. But I know I also deserve to enjoy the moment without that backpack of fear, sadness and depression. We have made it through a terrible time of fear, and our little baby is the lightness in a world that has been so heavy for so long.
I love her with every part of my being, and I am so grateful.
I may start changing this blog if I continue to write. I want to focus on how I can help myself and others and enjoy the love and life with my daughter. Wow, my daughter. Some day I'd like to share this with her and let her peek into how much her parents fought to become the family we are today. I hope she will teach us to start anew and let trauma pass and allow happiness to fill in those dark spaces.
Until next post....xoxox
It has been difficult. At that point I was so excited, we had transferred again and had the start of a little one grow inside. When I wrote, I didn't know that the twins would be less difficult to experience as that most recent pregnancy. We had our little girl through to the second trimester. I thought babies were supposed to be in the clear when you made it past 14 weeks. But our little one didn't make it. That was a fourth loss in too close a time.
With time we readied ourselves to try again, only this time we had very glum expectations. But thankfully we were surprised. The weeks kept passing and our baby kept fighting to grow and be with us. We still had some complications that took my full attention and I resigned from a great job to focus on the pregnancy and being healthy and reduced in stress. Last Spring our fantastic rainbow girl was born!
She is everything in our world. Beautiful. Hilarious. Inspiring. Fun. Smart. Athletic. And she's only a few months old!! The life with IF hasn't changed. I still hate LUVs commercials. Fertile soil still piss me off. I still wish and wonder if we will be able to have a second. We both nearly didn't make it through the birth, but in the end, we did. We made it. We are a family. In a way all we have gone through is over. I have her in my arms, on my breast, sleeping beside me. But the part of me that has struggled for all these years and lived so long wondering....what if? Is still working on accepting this new lifestyle. We are moving to a new home soon. In a neighborhood with children. We kept ourselves from this kind of interaction for years because the idea of being surrounded by fertiles scared me so much. Now here we are, seemingly one of them. We know the length it has taken to get here...and I sometimes feel like a fraud, like I should be carrying a load of struggle on my shoulders still. But I know I also deserve to enjoy the moment without that backpack of fear, sadness and depression. We have made it through a terrible time of fear, and our little baby is the lightness in a world that has been so heavy for so long.
I love her with every part of my being, and I am so grateful.
I may start changing this blog if I continue to write. I want to focus on how I can help myself and others and enjoy the love and life with my daughter. Wow, my daughter. Some day I'd like to share this with her and let her peek into how much her parents fought to become the family we are today. I hope she will teach us to start anew and let trauma pass and allow happiness to fill in those dark spaces.
Until next post....xoxox
Sharing with strangers to survive.
Grieving again.
We made it all the way to 14 weeks before our little girl had to let go.
This year has been filled with exciting moments.
We found out our first FET was successful. First beta was nearly 400!
Then, our 2nd US was considered 'normal' but we left with a recommendation to have another in 3 weeks.
We made it all the way to 14 weeks before our little girl had to let go.
This year has been filled with exciting moments.
We found out our first FET was successful. First beta was nearly 400!
- We were excited - is this really happening?
- I remember crying as I asked the nurse if she really thought our pregnancy might stick? She said, yes
Then, our 2nd US was considered 'normal' but we left with a recommendation to have another in 3 weeks.
- I thought, yeah, they are releasing us to an OB/Midwife - this must mean we are on our way and not in danger of another loss.
- PTSD of recurring losses - prepped us...
Saturday, January 11, 2014
New Year, New Beginnings! New waiting cycles.
There are many difficult things to deal with when you have IF. One of the most frustrating, are the waiting games. When will my cycle start, will they find cysts? Will my E2 be at the right level? Will my lining measure up? Did an embryo implant? Is my beta doubling? And on, and on.
So right now, I am in a one week waiting cycle to find out if I am ready for the 5 day waiting cycle to have my FET, so I can begin a two week wait to see if our little embryo has implanted. Then begins a cycle of 3 day waiting periods where I will have my beta checked again and again with the hopes the HcG numbers continue to rise. If I pass all those waiting games, then it wait for 10 weeks to end and with it my PIO shots, then another two weeks before we will be able to share our news with the chosen few! After that, I hear some women actually go on to have about 28 more weeks of waiting until their baby is born!!! Am I getting ahead of myself, perhaps. But after all these years of waiting, this may be the closet shot I have to ever experiencing a healthy pregnancy, so I think I have earned the right to be ahead of myself a bit. :)
As you can see the waiting cycles are endless and will make the most zen Buddha anxious!
But here I am, we are, at the edge of our real life sci-fi adventure to create our beautiful family. I've got my fingers and toes crossed that we will make it happen this month. I do have some doubts, but for now, I am choosing to be optimistic and inspired by all we have done to get to this point, we have done the homework, the heavy lifting, paid the enormous fees, developed the emotional balance to come to terms with all that we have lost, and we see all that we may gain.
We enter these weeks with hope. Ready to accept whatever comes of all we have out on the line. We are as ready as we will ever be!
Embracing a New day and a New Year!!
Wednesday, December 11, 2013
Yesterday, Today, and Tomorrow
Wow! Where to begin...?
Huge next step just happened.
I've been licking my wounds from our losses. Then we lost or beloved fur-baby just after Thanksgiving. Hubs and I grieved, wailed for days. She was our everything for 10 whole years and she had a full 16 and a half years of a beautiful life.
This week - we began creating new life...
Yesterday:
22 eggs were retrieved
18 were mature
18 fertilized!!!
Today:
Now we wait as our 'Posse' (possibilities) chill out on their incubation-vacation. Sunday, the lab-gods will take a peek and if we are lucky we will have a good number of embies to freeze for our FET in January.
My nurse said we should expect to lose about half of these as they grow and double to 100 cell blasts. Please keep us in your thoughts and fingers crossed that we get a great crew as we head toward the next step in this crazy, out of this world, sci-fi process. :)
Tomorrow:
I get to share my woo-hoo again to make sure I am no longer hiding 'pregnancy matter' in there. I think I'm going to pass that test, but we'll see. Those two little twins really wanted to hang on. (and to be honest, I was totally rooting for them)
Huge next step just happened.
I've been licking my wounds from our losses. Then we lost or beloved fur-baby just after Thanksgiving. Hubs and I grieved, wailed for days. She was our everything for 10 whole years and she had a full 16 and a half years of a beautiful life.
This week - we began creating new life...
Yesterday:
22 eggs were retrieved
18 were mature
18 fertilized!!!
Today:
Now we wait as our 'Posse' (possibilities) chill out on their incubation-vacation. Sunday, the lab-gods will take a peek and if we are lucky we will have a good number of embies to freeze for our FET in January.
My nurse said we should expect to lose about half of these as they grow and double to 100 cell blasts. Please keep us in your thoughts and fingers crossed that we get a great crew as we head toward the next step in this crazy, out of this world, sci-fi process. :)
Tomorrow:
I get to share my woo-hoo again to make sure I am no longer hiding 'pregnancy matter' in there. I think I'm going to pass that test, but we'll see. Those two little twins really wanted to hang on. (and to be honest, I was totally rooting for them)
Wednesday, November 20, 2013
Been a while...
Hi.
It's been a while since I've had the guts to blog.
Since last time, I lost our beautiful twins.
There isn't much more to say than that is the most horrific experience of all this IF.
There are no words of support for myself or my hubs.
We have been trying to put our pieces back together.
It's not easy.
We are going to go away for a spell.
To try and learn how to celebrate something again.
We are both, forever changed.
We are at the end of our rope.
We are trying our best to be the best for each other.
When we fail at this, our worlds come tumbling down, again.
It stinks.
We are looking for moments to laugh.
Moments to reflect that life has taken a break from shitting on us.
We are tired of being down.
We are tired of being.
Focusing on the moments - is that all there is?
Why don't we get to focus on the big picture, like so many others?
Why don't we get a break?
We have a 'plan'.
We hope it will work.
It's not ideal.
But it's what we have to work with.
Wishing all of you a love filled Thanksgiving.
Please be good to your selves.
It's been a while since I've had the guts to blog.
Since last time, I lost our beautiful twins.
There isn't much more to say than that is the most horrific experience of all this IF.
There are no words of support for myself or my hubs.
We have been trying to put our pieces back together.
It's not easy.
We are going to go away for a spell.
To try and learn how to celebrate something again.
We are both, forever changed.
We are at the end of our rope.
We are trying our best to be the best for each other.
When we fail at this, our worlds come tumbling down, again.
It stinks.
We are looking for moments to laugh.
Moments to reflect that life has taken a break from shitting on us.
We are tired of being down.
We are tired of being.
Focusing on the moments - is that all there is?
Why don't we get to focus on the big picture, like so many others?
Why don't we get a break?
We have a 'plan'.
We hope it will work.
It's not ideal.
But it's what we have to work with.
Wishing all of you a love filled Thanksgiving.
Please be good to your selves.
Thursday, October 10, 2013
Promise for the future
Promise me, if I ever get and hold a pregnancy, to never, ever, EVER let me buy Luvs!?!
The 'second baby' campaign stings me every time. I realize I'm sensitive because of what I'm going through.
Hell, I just hate everyone and everything right now. Just all out mad.
Even so, because of this series of commercials in 2013, I don't ever want to support that company. Ever.
that. it. all.
The 'second baby' campaign stings me every time. I realize I'm sensitive because of what I'm going through.
Hell, I just hate everyone and everything right now. Just all out mad.
Even so, because of this series of commercials in 2013, I don't ever want to support that company. Ever.
that. it. all.
Friday, October 4, 2013
A day to remember
I needed a day.
Yesterday's US showed such little growth.
My little guys are not coming as soon as I hoped for.
Yes, I'm sad about it. But I also know that I have done EVERYTHING possible to keep these little guys comfy and given them time to grow. It just wasn't enough to change the situation. I am not looking forward to the day they pass from me. I am grateful that I had the opportunity to carry them for this brief time. I will forever remember them and this experience.
And I also know I will need to move on. I must believe that there will be a time when a new little one will be growing inside and with luck, they'll continue to grow strong and healthy and will make it through to spend a lifetime in my arms and receive my unconditional love.
Yes, today is still difficult. Losing a pregnancy sucks. Losing twins is cruel. I'm not the first, nor will I be the last mom-to-be who will have to travel this road.
I'm forever grateful I kept this secret from most of those in my real life.
Yesterday's US showed such little growth.
My little guys are not coming as soon as I hoped for.
Yes, I'm sad about it. But I also know that I have done EVERYTHING possible to keep these little guys comfy and given them time to grow. It just wasn't enough to change the situation. I am not looking forward to the day they pass from me. I am grateful that I had the opportunity to carry them for this brief time. I will forever remember them and this experience.
And I also know I will need to move on. I must believe that there will be a time when a new little one will be growing inside and with luck, they'll continue to grow strong and healthy and will make it through to spend a lifetime in my arms and receive my unconditional love.
Yes, today is still difficult. Losing a pregnancy sucks. Losing twins is cruel. I'm not the first, nor will I be the last mom-to-be who will have to travel this road.
I'm forever grateful I kept this secret from most of those in my real life.
Wednesday, October 2, 2013
Sweet Potato Smile
Well, tomorrow will be a pretty interesting day.
I may be putting too much stress on the outcome of this next US. But this is the one that I hope will give us some answers around whether my two little beanies want to grow or want to go.
I'm not prepared for whatever will happen. I realized this as I freaked out for most of yesterday. But I know that no matter what happens, I will get through it. And that feels good.
I won't lie to you, I fell apart yesterday. It was a tough day for me to focus, on anything. I fought those stupid tears that inevitably come with IF. Those horrible feelings that I am not good enough. Not good enough for this or for that. Not good enough to be a mom. As the day passed, my heart speeding along, my hands trembling while I speed-typed replies to my online support group, sucking up tears and snot - I baked a sweet potato. I have avoided these for months, but decided not to avoid them any longer over the weekend. I set a pretty table, sat alone with my perfectly baked potato, goat cheese and steamed kale and took a bit, then promptly fell flat asleep, mid bite!
Hubs came home from and lifted me off my potato. He removed the crumbs that had caked around my mouth and forehead and led me to bed. I must have looked frightening: mascara smeared, remnants of the meaty neon potato shimmering across my chin. But I was asleep, so it didn't scare me. I was cashed out! I woke at about 5:45am this morning. This could have been about 10 hours of sleep. I haven't slept that long, since, I can't remember when?
What it has done is help me refuel my energy. I am going through a lot. As much as I didn't believe it yesterday, I know today, that I am capable of amazing things. Everything I have done and continue to do to get through this nasty time of life, is awesome. It's right for me. And I'm doing exactly what I need to, to be okay.
So tonight, I'm roasting chicken with broccolini, goat cheese and...sweet potato mash! :)
**and I plan to stay awake to enjoy it!**
I may be putting too much stress on the outcome of this next US. But this is the one that I hope will give us some answers around whether my two little beanies want to grow or want to go.
I'm not prepared for whatever will happen. I realized this as I freaked out for most of yesterday. But I know that no matter what happens, I will get through it. And that feels good.
I won't lie to you, I fell apart yesterday. It was a tough day for me to focus, on anything. I fought those stupid tears that inevitably come with IF. Those horrible feelings that I am not good enough. Not good enough for this or for that. Not good enough to be a mom. As the day passed, my heart speeding along, my hands trembling while I speed-typed replies to my online support group, sucking up tears and snot - I baked a sweet potato. I have avoided these for months, but decided not to avoid them any longer over the weekend. I set a pretty table, sat alone with my perfectly baked potato, goat cheese and steamed kale and took a bit, then promptly fell flat asleep, mid bite!
 |
| a cuter version of me falling asleep in my grub! |
What it has done is help me refuel my energy. I am going through a lot. As much as I didn't believe it yesterday, I know today, that I am capable of amazing things. Everything I have done and continue to do to get through this nasty time of life, is awesome. It's right for me. And I'm doing exactly what I need to, to be okay.
So tonight, I'm roasting chicken with broccolini, goat cheese and...sweet potato mash! :)
**and I plan to stay awake to enjoy it!**
Monday, September 30, 2013
At any moment - 4 days left
Update:
My slow growing Hcg that once showed a single little sac in my uterus, is now showing 2 little sacs with yolks in my uterus. I will return this week to see if those sacs grow fetal poles. If no, I am told the familiar, "you should miscarry on my own, at any moment". If one, or both do show poles, what then? My RE says this pregnancy is doomed. He must think I am nuts for continuing this waiting game week after week. This is a horrible existence. I spent the morning with my mom, most girls would be delighted to have their mom around at a time like this, to share all the excitement, ask for advice and get giddy with. But me? In my life, it's a stupid play to share anything this important. Why? because life just doesn't work out for me. Of course, I didn't share with her what is going on. At this point, why should I? All of this is doomed.
I heard a dude over the weekend tell the grocery store that his wife's pregnancy and birthing was 'so easy' that she was back to ironing his shirts after giving birth for three hours earlier in the day. It's talk like this that makes me so angry.
Why can't I just let this roll off my back?
Because it is hurtful. And everything these days, feels hurtful.
My body hurts, knowing that I am supposed to miscarry "at any moment".
My mind hurts, knowing that I am supposed to miscarry "at any moment".
My mind hurts, knowing I may have to decide HOW I will miscarry "at any moment".
My soul hurt, because things like this, just shouldn't happen. To anyone.
4 days left ...
My slow growing Hcg that once showed a single little sac in my uterus, is now showing 2 little sacs with yolks in my uterus. I will return this week to see if those sacs grow fetal poles. If no, I am told the familiar, "you should miscarry on my own, at any moment". If one, or both do show poles, what then? My RE says this pregnancy is doomed. He must think I am nuts for continuing this waiting game week after week. This is a horrible existence. I spent the morning with my mom, most girls would be delighted to have their mom around at a time like this, to share all the excitement, ask for advice and get giddy with. But me? In my life, it's a stupid play to share anything this important. Why? because life just doesn't work out for me. Of course, I didn't share with her what is going on. At this point, why should I? All of this is doomed.
I heard a dude over the weekend tell the grocery store that his wife's pregnancy and birthing was 'so easy' that she was back to ironing his shirts after giving birth for three hours earlier in the day. It's talk like this that makes me so angry.
Why can't I just let this roll off my back?
Because it is hurtful. And everything these days, feels hurtful.
My body hurts, knowing that I am supposed to miscarry "at any moment".
My mind hurts, knowing that I am supposed to miscarry "at any moment".
My mind hurts, knowing I may have to decide HOW I will miscarry "at any moment".
My soul hurt, because things like this, just shouldn't happen. To anyone.
4 days left ...
Monday, September 23, 2013
What do you ask for, when you are in need?
I only have a minute and wanted to ask a question --
When you are in need of support during a crisis in your life, do you ask your circle of support for help?
If you do, what do you ask for?
I know I have a few people IRL and online who have offered their hand of support, and have asked me to let them know if there's anything I need, so they can provide the support I want. I just don't know what one asks for at a time like this?
I'm curious what you all think? I'm interested in some suggestions.
When you are in need of support during a crisis in your life, do you ask your circle of support for help?
If you do, what do you ask for?
I know I have a few people IRL and online who have offered their hand of support, and have asked me to let them know if there's anything I need, so they can provide the support I want. I just don't know what one asks for at a time like this?
I'm curious what you all think? I'm interested in some suggestions.
Monday, September 16, 2013
Genderless Human
Some days I just want to hug my mom and ask her to fix me.
Today is one of those days.
It's been a really difficult year, hell few years. Sure, I've accomplished some nice things and I am married to the greatest guy on earth. But we have been struggling with this very simple act that so many people animals do without a thought. It is SO difficult to live this life.
I could call my self on the edge - on the end of just letting it all go because as I am screaming on the inside: I am invited to friends celebrating their kids birthdays, to family member parties, to give up my seat/parking/space in line for the pregnant mother, to smile and not comment when someone assumes I'm just 'too old' and probably don't care to have a family of my own. Or, perhaps worse, those friends who know what I'm going through, but don't ask how I'm doing. Or those that do who ask, but don't realize that their families are really difficult for me to be around.
I am not saying I want to hurt myself, but I often find that I wouldn't mind if I never woke up. When I'm awake I feel like I live in a constant nightmare. Of silence. Hubs feels the same way. Only he has his own night/day terrors that he is dealing with. None of this is fair and I'm insane for constantly looking for a 'reason', a 'way to fix myself', a way to 'accept' my stupid fucking life.
Every part of my life is affected by this. I don't think it will ever stop. I expect to always feel like less of a person because I am infertile. I will always be treated like I'm less too. Those who know, pity me for this sadness that is constant. Those who don't know, don't realize how their attitudes toward, IVF, adoption, later age pregnancy affects me.
And what do I do in turn? Will I raise my voice to put an end to their arrogance and ignorance? No. Why? Because they will always win. They have already won. I will never be accepted by the community. I'll always have to seek out the other 'older moms'. IF we every get a pregnancy that sticks.
I recently wrote how angry I am. How I want to hurt other people - I still want to do that.
Learning about others who have infertility really doesn't make me feel better, it just makes me more angry. I feel for them, but I also get angry that they may be getting support from others because they opened up and shared what they are going through. And I'm to embarrassed to open up to some of the people I'd like to because I'm sure they will disappoint me with their idea of 'support'.
Oh god, if you really exist, why the hell are you testing us like this? Hubs and I have had soo much shit in our lives before we even found out that I'm a broken shell of a genderless human.
Isn't there anyone outside myself who can help me find peace among this hell?
I've been enjoying being optimistic these last week, choosing to smile because I wanted to experience what most women do when they find out that they are pregnant. But from the start my doctors told me not to celebrate. That I have no right to a healthy, natural pregnancy. How many of you had that response from your doctors? I'll bet not many. And I'd like to tell you that you never knew how lucky you were. That you were given a carte blanche to just enjoy that you saw a + on your home pregnancy test. You never wondered what it was like to be told from the get go that your body is going to betray you. That your cells aren't good enough to add to the gene pool. That you, stop at you. Sure you can add to some epigenetics of another woman's cells, but you will never experience the joy of passing yourself on in the universe. And some will tell you 'that is meant to be'.
That I think, is the hardest part of all of this.
Today is one of those days.
It's been a really difficult year, hell few years. Sure, I've accomplished some nice things and I am married to the greatest guy on earth. But we have been struggling with this very simple act that so many people animals do without a thought. It is SO difficult to live this life.
I could call my self on the edge - on the end of just letting it all go because as I am screaming on the inside: I am invited to friends celebrating their kids birthdays, to family member parties, to give up my seat/parking/space in line for the pregnant mother, to smile and not comment when someone assumes I'm just 'too old' and probably don't care to have a family of my own. Or, perhaps worse, those friends who know what I'm going through, but don't ask how I'm doing. Or those that do who ask, but don't realize that their families are really difficult for me to be around.
I am not saying I want to hurt myself, but I often find that I wouldn't mind if I never woke up. When I'm awake I feel like I live in a constant nightmare. Of silence. Hubs feels the same way. Only he has his own night/day terrors that he is dealing with. None of this is fair and I'm insane for constantly looking for a 'reason', a 'way to fix myself', a way to 'accept' my stupid fucking life.
Every part of my life is affected by this. I don't think it will ever stop. I expect to always feel like less of a person because I am infertile. I will always be treated like I'm less too. Those who know, pity me for this sadness that is constant. Those who don't know, don't realize how their attitudes toward, IVF, adoption, later age pregnancy affects me.
And what do I do in turn? Will I raise my voice to put an end to their arrogance and ignorance? No. Why? Because they will always win. They have already won. I will never be accepted by the community. I'll always have to seek out the other 'older moms'. IF we every get a pregnancy that sticks.
I recently wrote how angry I am. How I want to hurt other people - I still want to do that.
Learning about others who have infertility really doesn't make me feel better, it just makes me more angry. I feel for them, but I also get angry that they may be getting support from others because they opened up and shared what they are going through. And I'm to embarrassed to open up to some of the people I'd like to because I'm sure they will disappoint me with their idea of 'support'.
Oh god, if you really exist, why the hell are you testing us like this? Hubs and I have had soo much shit in our lives before we even found out that I'm a broken shell of a genderless human.
Isn't there anyone outside myself who can help me find peace among this hell?
I've been enjoying being optimistic these last week, choosing to smile because I wanted to experience what most women do when they find out that they are pregnant. But from the start my doctors told me not to celebrate. That I have no right to a healthy, natural pregnancy. How many of you had that response from your doctors? I'll bet not many. And I'd like to tell you that you never knew how lucky you were. That you were given a carte blanche to just enjoy that you saw a + on your home pregnancy test. You never wondered what it was like to be told from the get go that your body is going to betray you. That your cells aren't good enough to add to the gene pool. That you, stop at you. Sure you can add to some epigenetics of another woman's cells, but you will never experience the joy of passing yourself on in the universe. And some will tell you 'that is meant to be'.
That I think, is the hardest part of all of this.
Monday, September 9, 2013
Keep Calm and Carry On...
New day, new feelings.
I am still reeling from the last few days. It's never easy to be filled with excitement and then have it all taken away and have to continue with life as usual, when you know something inside is dying.
But I guess that happens to all of us in our own ways.
I have been given some great advice lately. Some have suggested I close the doors to these hurtful people. I will try this with some of the people on my list. I also feel like I need to be direct with others. Not because I think they'll understand, but because I think it will help me heal.
Until then, I will make a promise to be kind to myself. Especially as this life slips away.
I am doing all I can to be a good citizen of the world. Pain is just part of the process.
Leave only footprints.
I am still reeling from the last few days. It's never easy to be filled with excitement and then have it all taken away and have to continue with life as usual, when you know something inside is dying.
But I guess that happens to all of us in our own ways.
I have been given some great advice lately. Some have suggested I close the doors to these hurtful people. I will try this with some of the people on my list. I also feel like I need to be direct with others. Not because I think they'll understand, but because I think it will help me heal.
Until then, I will make a promise to be kind to myself. Especially as this life slips away.
I am doing all I can to be a good citizen of the world. Pain is just part of the process.
Leave only footprints.
Sunday, September 8, 2013
Never gonna...
I am really, really
angry. Even though I knew this was possible, I just can't fathom why the
universe has put us through this? I mean, we were all set to start this thing
with the donor, which we will still have to go through. We saved the money, to
do what most people do for free. Then, we were given a moment to think about
what could have been, what it could have been like to have my own genetic child,
and it's all been torn away, again. After I had come to terms with losing my
genetic connection, the universe busted in and slapped me in the face. That's
what it feels like. That's what it is. I am so sad. Fuck!
I will get over this. I
just really wish that I could take it out on other people. Like my stupid
fucking sister in law and my brother. Who came out to visit, as I was going
through a failed IUI cycle and they got pissed off at me for not wanting to hang
out with them and their infant. Instead, my brother, who I used to be close
with, has said he's pissed at the way I acted. I want to slap HIM and HER in
the face and tell them I'll never speak to them again. That they are complete
assholes for fucking and getting pregnant so easily, then turning against me
when I reached out to them for support.
I want to tell my old best friend that she's a fucking
whore, for not being here for me. For being so fucking busy with her own life
and kids and thinking her 'friend' (whom she has never spoken with but had a
donor egg and donor sperm baby) was insane for wanting to have a child with
those circumstances.
I want to tell my fucking sisters who have fucked up most of
their kids that they are bullies and beasts for treating me like a runt all my
life. And for being right about it.
I want to kick my dad in
the balls for being a dick and instilling in me that I'm mostly worthless, only
my cash support is appreciated, because only a few of his other kids have been
as generous with money as I.
I want to cry to my mom and tell her everything that is going on. I want to ask her to fix me and fix the situation but not get tied up in my drama, and tell me that god will take care of it.
I want to cry to my sister in law and brother who have been supportive and tell them what they offer is not enough. That I need more. I don't know exactly how or what, but I need more love pouring in to my crappy life. That drinking wine together is nice, but it makes me wonder if that's why I kill all my embryos.
I want to punch my ovaries in their ass for having aged so progressively.
I want to tell my doctors from the time I was 17 that they killed my chances of becoming pregnant because they suggested I go on birth control.
I want to strangle my guts for not digesting dairy and stop my younger self from adding so many soy products to my diet for decades.
I want to bang my head against a wall to stop this desire to be a mom.
I want to cry in my hubs arms and make everything better.
Wednesday, August 21, 2013
Vent for 2013
What's it like to live a normal life?
To plan a personal project and have it work close to you timeline?
To wake up and be surprised by the success you've gained in a day, a week a months worth of work, money, energy and emotion?
Some days it just feels like there's nothing left to give. And there isn't.
Then, I look into hubs eyes and he says, "We can do this, trust me."
Well, I do trust him, but even so, living the lies around those who are supposed to be friends and family has tired me. I almost want to shout from the rooftop that I am done. I am damaged. I am a warrior. But none of that is really true.
Some say life changes completely when you have a family, that you just don't understand how important or how much love you can express until you 'have experienced giving life'. I'd like to tell those people to try living with infertility for 4+ years. To be told that at your age now, you may just be too old to start a family. To not be able to respond that you've been trying for years, back when they were having their first child, and it didn't work. At that time it was too painful to admit my failure, to ask for help, to be brave enough to ask for medical assistance. I'd like them to walk a mile in my shoes and understand something they will never understand unless they lived through it, (sic)that living with the death and despair of infertility/miscarriage/aging/loss is a whole lot more difficult and a larger change in ones life, than simply 'making a life'.
I am bitter today. I need to let some of this go - I'm not sure I ever will.
I am not grateful for anything right now. Just tired. Just sad, worn and weary. But I won't let it show on the outside. I play the game. Those without my troubles don't have the time to be compassionate about mine, most are too wrapped up in their own success that they don't want my failure to touch their lives. They say, "you focus too much on this, you need to relax, think about something else." And so I don't want their support. If they want me to sweep my current crisis under the rug, they can try not talking about their children, their spouse, their jobs, to see what it is like to have to hide something so important. So today, I would like to scream to the world, asking for a fucking break.
Don't pity me, I don't. I am forced to move forward, to wake up each day, to pretend my chronic status of a life falling to pieces is not happening. Because no one wants to deal with someone who lives this way for 4+ years. No one can understand. I don't want to deal with me.
Maybe tomorrow I'll write something upbeat. For my self.
To plan a personal project and have it work close to you timeline?
To wake up and be surprised by the success you've gained in a day, a week a months worth of work, money, energy and emotion?
Some days it just feels like there's nothing left to give. And there isn't.
Then, I look into hubs eyes and he says, "We can do this, trust me."
Well, I do trust him, but even so, living the lies around those who are supposed to be friends and family has tired me. I almost want to shout from the rooftop that I am done. I am damaged. I am a warrior. But none of that is really true.
Some say life changes completely when you have a family, that you just don't understand how important or how much love you can express until you 'have experienced giving life'. I'd like to tell those people to try living with infertility for 4+ years. To be told that at your age now, you may just be too old to start a family. To not be able to respond that you've been trying for years, back when they were having their first child, and it didn't work. At that time it was too painful to admit my failure, to ask for help, to be brave enough to ask for medical assistance. I'd like them to walk a mile in my shoes and understand something they will never understand unless they lived through it, (sic)that living with the death and despair of infertility/miscarriage/aging/loss is a whole lot more difficult and a larger change in ones life, than simply 'making a life'.
I am bitter today. I need to let some of this go - I'm not sure I ever will.
I am not grateful for anything right now. Just tired. Just sad, worn and weary. But I won't let it show on the outside. I play the game. Those without my troubles don't have the time to be compassionate about mine, most are too wrapped up in their own success that they don't want my failure to touch their lives. They say, "you focus too much on this, you need to relax, think about something else." And so I don't want their support. If they want me to sweep my current crisis under the rug, they can try not talking about their children, their spouse, their jobs, to see what it is like to have to hide something so important. So today, I would like to scream to the world, asking for a fucking break.
Don't pity me, I don't. I am forced to move forward, to wake up each day, to pretend my chronic status of a life falling to pieces is not happening. Because no one wants to deal with someone who lives this way for 4+ years. No one can understand. I don't want to deal with me.
Maybe tomorrow I'll write something upbeat. For my self.
Wednesday, August 14, 2013
When do things get...'better'?
Just when I feel like my life might have an upturn around the corner, everything falls apart.
I'm sick of living in this haze of sensitivity. Not just my own sensitivity, but that of others.
I know I'm supposed to be learning how to do what I want, even if others get upset. But I'm in a stage where I need the support of others but so far, everywhere I turn tends to be selfish people, who are looking out for themselves and don't notice that I'm drowning. Fair enough, I just wish I knew how to be one of those people.
Except my hubs. He has been so open, evolving and caring for me. I hate when I am a part of something that makes him upset. He is upset. He needs a vacation. I have tried for weeks to create a vacation plan for us. Now, we are hours away from our 'get away' and we are conflicted by the reality that we have very limited time to 'get away' from the stink that is our day to lives, only to choose to ask a family member if we can stay with them. And now, we don't want to do that because it feels so much like the rest of our days. We don't even know how we will find time to be just the two of us, with the rest of this family around. We love them. We want to share time with them. But I don't want to circulate my entire vacation around their needs. I feel like right now, I need to focus on my own needs.
But I don't know what they are; except to get away from my current life. For a good long while.
The stress of IF is everywhere. It's not seen or understood by others. That may be what makes it even worse. And the idea of trying something that just might work, makes every moment leading up to that realization a bit of torture.
So that's where I am today, feeling tortured. Flooded by family. Flooded by work. Flooded by life.
I'm sick of living in this haze of sensitivity. Not just my own sensitivity, but that of others.
I know I'm supposed to be learning how to do what I want, even if others get upset. But I'm in a stage where I need the support of others but so far, everywhere I turn tends to be selfish people, who are looking out for themselves and don't notice that I'm drowning. Fair enough, I just wish I knew how to be one of those people.
Except my hubs. He has been so open, evolving and caring for me. I hate when I am a part of something that makes him upset. He is upset. He needs a vacation. I have tried for weeks to create a vacation plan for us. Now, we are hours away from our 'get away' and we are conflicted by the reality that we have very limited time to 'get away' from the stink that is our day to lives, only to choose to ask a family member if we can stay with them. And now, we don't want to do that because it feels so much like the rest of our days. We don't even know how we will find time to be just the two of us, with the rest of this family around. We love them. We want to share time with them. But I don't want to circulate my entire vacation around their needs. I feel like right now, I need to focus on my own needs.
But I don't know what they are; except to get away from my current life. For a good long while.
The stress of IF is everywhere. It's not seen or understood by others. That may be what makes it even worse. And the idea of trying something that just might work, makes every moment leading up to that realization a bit of torture.
So that's where I am today, feeling tortured. Flooded by family. Flooded by work. Flooded by life.
Friday, July 19, 2013
Useful Links to learn how to be supportive
Wow, just read a post from my support board - it included these links.
I wish I had the guts to send these links to the people in my life I have told about our infertility.
I wish I had the guts to send these links to the people in my life I have told about our infertility.
Thursday, July 18, 2013
Best Roomates Ever
Time is ticking.
Family is in town.
I don't want to see them.
I spoke with my confidant yesterday, I have decided it's not my problems that make me not want to be near them. It's them. They have proven to be a bunch of bullies. They 'say' they think each other would be supportive, but they can't. They are flawed. It's not part of who they have chosen to be.
It must be difficult to have a life where you cannot empathize with the pain of others. Or simple?
I have two very wonderful friends who mean more to me than any fear that I have come across in my life so far. I can turn to either of these people at any point in my happiness or sadness. And they allow me.
They support my journey. They ask for nothing but honesty. And for some reason, they are really the only two people I have ever been able to be completely honest with. I am so grateful for them.
I am additionally grateful that I had the excellent experience of living with both these people during some pretty crazy times in my life. I adore you two more than anything. THANK YOU!
Family is in town.
I don't want to see them.
I spoke with my confidant yesterday, I have decided it's not my problems that make me not want to be near them. It's them. They have proven to be a bunch of bullies. They 'say' they think each other would be supportive, but they can't. They are flawed. It's not part of who they have chosen to be.
It must be difficult to have a life where you cannot empathize with the pain of others. Or simple?
I have two very wonderful friends who mean more to me than any fear that I have come across in my life so far. I can turn to either of these people at any point in my happiness or sadness. And they allow me.
They support my journey. They ask for nothing but honesty. And for some reason, they are really the only two people I have ever been able to be completely honest with. I am so grateful for them.
I am additionally grateful that I had the excellent experience of living with both these people during some pretty crazy times in my life. I adore you two more than anything. THANK YOU!
Sunday, June 16, 2013
Pulled apart
Meeting with RE tomorrow, I guess it really is time to pull out the big bucks and pick a donor.
Mostly upset at myself for again, being hopeful and imagining I would be able to tell hubs on father's day..and celebrate on my bday is next weekend. Nothing is ok with IF. Rips too much of my heart on a monthly basis. My approach now is to look for the woman that will give us a gift of life, chance to be parents. I Do hope she is out there and we can find her, fast. Years of this heartache and monies spent. I don't know what else we can do?
I feel like we are forever going to be taken advantage of. That every dollar, every promotion, every cent we make is predestined for an REs vacation home. Am I too stupid to accept that the universe doesn't want me to do this? Why am I being tested this way? Why isn't there an answer for us? Why have my hubs and I always had to build everything from scratch? I don't want to see or do anything today. It's father's day and the man I love more than anyone and anything else, I had to tell, yet again, that he won't be a daddy. It's been years and so many assholes have become parents during this time.
Am I angry? You bet I am. Will I put up more cash for a chance to go through this heartache again. Most likely. Will that affect our house search? Yes. Is our life completely on hold until we can finance a pregnancy, and an apartment (since downpayment for a house will have to wait). Or should I just let go. Live a lonely childless life. Move far away from everyone here and start over as some one else?
Mostly upset at myself for again, being hopeful and imagining I would be able to tell hubs on father's day..and celebrate on my bday is next weekend. Nothing is ok with IF. Rips too much of my heart on a monthly basis. My approach now is to look for the woman that will give us a gift of life, chance to be parents. I Do hope she is out there and we can find her, fast. Years of this heartache and monies spent. I don't know what else we can do?
I feel like we are forever going to be taken advantage of. That every dollar, every promotion, every cent we make is predestined for an REs vacation home. Am I too stupid to accept that the universe doesn't want me to do this? Why am I being tested this way? Why isn't there an answer for us? Why have my hubs and I always had to build everything from scratch? I don't want to see or do anything today. It's father's day and the man I love more than anyone and anything else, I had to tell, yet again, that he won't be a daddy. It's been years and so many assholes have become parents during this time.
Am I angry? You bet I am. Will I put up more cash for a chance to go through this heartache again. Most likely. Will that affect our house search? Yes. Is our life completely on hold until we can finance a pregnancy, and an apartment (since downpayment for a house will have to wait). Or should I just let go. Live a lonely childless life. Move far away from everyone here and start over as some one else?
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