Never gonna...

I am really, really angry. Even though I knew this was possible, I just can't fathom why the universe has put us through this? I mean, we were all set to start this thing with the donor, which we will still have to go through. We saved the money, to do what most people do for free. Then, we were given a moment to think about what could have been, what it could have been like to have my own genetic child, and it's all been torn away, again. After I had come to terms with losing my genetic connection, the universe busted in and slapped me in the face. That's what it feels like. That's what it is. I am so sad. Fuck! 

I will get over this. I just really wish that I could take it out on other people.  Like my stupid fucking sister in law and my brother. Who came out to visit, as I was going through a failed IUI cycle and they got pissed off at me for not wanting to hang out with them and their infant. Instead, my brother, who I used to be close with, has said he's pissed at the way I acted.  I want to slap HIM and HER in the face and tell them I'll never speak to them again. That they are complete assholes for fucking and getting pregnant so easily, then turning against me when I reached out to them for support.

I want to tell my old best friend that she's a fucking whore, for not being here for me. For being so fucking busy with her own life and kids and thinking her 'friend' (whom she has never spoken with but had a donor egg and donor sperm baby) was insane for wanting to have a child with those circumstances.

I want to tell my fucking sisters who have fucked up most of their kids that they are bullies and beasts for treating me like a runt all my life. And for being right about it.

I want to kick my dad in the balls for being a dick and instilling in me that I'm mostly worthless, only my cash support is appreciated, because only a few of his other kids have been as generous with money as I.

I want to cry to my mom and tell her everything that is going on. I want to ask her to fix me and fix the situation but not get tied up in my drama, and tell me that god will take care of it. 

I want to cry to my sister in law and brother who have been supportive and tell them what they offer is not enough. That I need more. I don't know exactly how or what, but I need more love pouring in to my crappy life. That drinking wine together is nice, but it makes me wonder if that's why I kill all my embryos. 

I want to punch my ovaries in their ass for having aged so progressively.

I want to tell my doctors from the time I was 17 that they killed my chances of becoming pregnant because they suggested I go on birth control.

I want to strangle my guts for not digesting dairy and stop my younger self from adding so many soy products to my diet for decades.

I want to bang my head against a wall to stop this desire to be a mom.

I want to cry in my hubs arms and make everything better.