Genderless Human

Some days I just want to hug my mom and ask her to fix me.

Today is one of those days.

It's been a really difficult year, hell few years.  Sure, I've accomplished some nice things and I am married to the greatest guy on earth. But we have been struggling with this very simple act that so many people animals do without a thought. It is SO difficult to live this life. 

I could call my self on the edge - on the end of just letting it all go because as I am screaming on the inside: I am invited to friends celebrating their kids birthdays, to family member parties, to give up my seat/parking/space in line for the pregnant mother, to smile and not comment when someone assumes I'm just 'too old' and probably don't care to have a family of my own. Or, perhaps worse, those friends who know what I'm going through, but don't ask how I'm doing. Or those that do who ask, but don't realize that their families are really difficult for me to be around.

I am not saying I want to hurt myself, but I often find that I wouldn't mind if I never woke up. When I'm awake I feel like I live in a constant nightmare.  Of silence. Hubs feels the same way. Only he has his own night/day terrors that he is dealing with. None of this is fair and I'm insane for constantly looking for a 'reason', a 'way to fix myself', a way to 'accept' my stupid fucking life.

Every part of my life is affected by this. I don't think it will ever stop. I expect to always feel like less of a person because I am infertile. I will always be treated like I'm less too. Those who know, pity me for this sadness that is constant. Those who don't know, don't realize how their attitudes toward, IVF, adoption, later age pregnancy affects me.

And what do I do in turn? Will I raise my voice to put an end to their arrogance and ignorance? No. Why? Because they will always win. They have already won. I will never be accepted by the community. I'll always have to seek out the other 'older moms'. IF we every get a pregnancy that sticks.

I recently wrote how angry I am. How I want to hurt other people - I still want to do that.

Learning about others who have infertility really doesn't make me feel better, it just makes me more angry. I feel for them, but I also get angry that they may be getting support from others because they opened up and shared what they are going through. And I'm to embarrassed to open up to some of the people I'd like to because I'm sure they will disappoint me with their idea of 'support'.

Oh god, if you really exist, why the hell are you testing us like this? Hubs and I have had soo much shit in our lives before we even found out that I'm a broken shell of a genderless human.

Isn't there anyone outside myself who can help me find peace among this hell?

I've been enjoying being optimistic these last week, choosing to smile because I wanted to experience what most women do when they find out that they are pregnant. But from the start my doctors told me not to celebrate. That I have no right to a healthy, natural pregnancy. How many of you had that response from your doctors? I'll bet not many. And I'd like to tell you that you never knew how lucky you were. That you were given a carte blanche to just enjoy that you saw a + on your home pregnancy test.  You never wondered what it was like to be told from the get go that your body is going to betray you. That your cells aren't good enough to add to the gene pool. That you, stop at you. Sure you can add to some epigenetics of another woman's cells, but you will never experience the joy of passing yourself on in the universe. And some will tell you 'that is meant to be'.

That I think, is the hardest part of all of this.