Hi.
It's been a while since I've had the guts to blog.
Since last time, I lost our beautiful twins.
There isn't much more to say than that is the most horrific experience of all this IF.
There are no words of support for myself or my hubs.
We have been trying to put our pieces back together.
It's not easy.
We are going to go away for a spell.
To try and learn how to celebrate something again.
We are both, forever changed.
We are at the end of our rope.
We are trying our best to be the best for each other.
When we fail at this, our worlds come tumbling down, again.
It stinks.
We are looking for moments to laugh.
Moments to reflect that life has taken a break from shitting on us.
We are tired of being down.
We are tired of being.
Focusing on the moments - is that all there is?
Why don't we get to focus on the big picture, like so many others?
Why don't we get a break?
We have a 'plan'.
We hope it will work.
It's not ideal.
But it's what we have to work with.
Wishing all of you a love filled Thanksgiving.
Please be good to your selves.
Wednesday, November 20, 2013
Thursday, October 10, 2013
Promise for the future
Promise me, if I ever get and hold a pregnancy, to never, ever, EVER let me buy Luvs!?!
The 'second baby' campaign stings me every time. I realize I'm sensitive because of what I'm going through.
Hell, I just hate everyone and everything right now. Just all out mad.
Even so, because of this series of commercials in 2013, I don't ever want to support that company. Ever.
that. it. all.
The 'second baby' campaign stings me every time. I realize I'm sensitive because of what I'm going through.
Hell, I just hate everyone and everything right now. Just all out mad.
Even so, because of this series of commercials in 2013, I don't ever want to support that company. Ever.
that. it. all.
Friday, October 4, 2013
A day to remember
I needed a day.
Yesterday's US showed such little growth.
My little guys are not coming as soon as I hoped for.
Yes, I'm sad about it. But I also know that I have done EVERYTHING possible to keep these little guys comfy and given them time to grow. It just wasn't enough to change the situation. I am not looking forward to the day they pass from me. I am grateful that I had the opportunity to carry them for this brief time. I will forever remember them and this experience.
And I also know I will need to move on. I must believe that there will be a time when a new little one will be growing inside and with luck, they'll continue to grow strong and healthy and will make it through to spend a lifetime in my arms and receive my unconditional love.
Yes, today is still difficult. Losing a pregnancy sucks. Losing twins is cruel. I'm not the first, nor will I be the last mom-to-be who will have to travel this road.
I'm forever grateful I kept this secret from most of those in my real life.
Yesterday's US showed such little growth.
My little guys are not coming as soon as I hoped for.
Yes, I'm sad about it. But I also know that I have done EVERYTHING possible to keep these little guys comfy and given them time to grow. It just wasn't enough to change the situation. I am not looking forward to the day they pass from me. I am grateful that I had the opportunity to carry them for this brief time. I will forever remember them and this experience.
And I also know I will need to move on. I must believe that there will be a time when a new little one will be growing inside and with luck, they'll continue to grow strong and healthy and will make it through to spend a lifetime in my arms and receive my unconditional love.
Yes, today is still difficult. Losing a pregnancy sucks. Losing twins is cruel. I'm not the first, nor will I be the last mom-to-be who will have to travel this road.
I'm forever grateful I kept this secret from most of those in my real life.
Wednesday, October 2, 2013
Sweet Potato Smile
Well, tomorrow will be a pretty interesting day.
I may be putting too much stress on the outcome of this next US. But this is the one that I hope will give us some answers around whether my two little beanies want to grow or want to go.
I'm not prepared for whatever will happen. I realized this as I freaked out for most of yesterday. But I know that no matter what happens, I will get through it. And that feels good.
I won't lie to you, I fell apart yesterday. It was a tough day for me to focus, on anything. I fought those stupid tears that inevitably come with IF. Those horrible feelings that I am not good enough. Not good enough for this or for that. Not good enough to be a mom. As the day passed, my heart speeding along, my hands trembling while I speed-typed replies to my online support group, sucking up tears and snot - I baked a sweet potato. I have avoided these for months, but decided not to avoid them any longer over the weekend. I set a pretty table, sat alone with my perfectly baked potato, goat cheese and steamed kale and took a bit, then promptly fell flat asleep, mid bite!
Hubs came home from and lifted me off my potato. He removed the crumbs that had caked around my mouth and forehead and led me to bed. I must have looked frightening: mascara smeared, remnants of the meaty neon potato shimmering across my chin. But I was asleep, so it didn't scare me. I was cashed out! I woke at about 5:45am this morning. This could have been about 10 hours of sleep. I haven't slept that long, since, I can't remember when?
What it has done is help me refuel my energy. I am going through a lot. As much as I didn't believe it yesterday, I know today, that I am capable of amazing things. Everything I have done and continue to do to get through this nasty time of life, is awesome. It's right for me. And I'm doing exactly what I need to, to be okay.
So tonight, I'm roasting chicken with broccolini, goat cheese and...sweet potato mash! :)
**and I plan to stay awake to enjoy it!**
I may be putting too much stress on the outcome of this next US. But this is the one that I hope will give us some answers around whether my two little beanies want to grow or want to go.
I'm not prepared for whatever will happen. I realized this as I freaked out for most of yesterday. But I know that no matter what happens, I will get through it. And that feels good.
I won't lie to you, I fell apart yesterday. It was a tough day for me to focus, on anything. I fought those stupid tears that inevitably come with IF. Those horrible feelings that I am not good enough. Not good enough for this or for that. Not good enough to be a mom. As the day passed, my heart speeding along, my hands trembling while I speed-typed replies to my online support group, sucking up tears and snot - I baked a sweet potato. I have avoided these for months, but decided not to avoid them any longer over the weekend. I set a pretty table, sat alone with my perfectly baked potato, goat cheese and steamed kale and took a bit, then promptly fell flat asleep, mid bite!
 |
| a cuter version of me falling asleep in my grub! |
What it has done is help me refuel my energy. I am going through a lot. As much as I didn't believe it yesterday, I know today, that I am capable of amazing things. Everything I have done and continue to do to get through this nasty time of life, is awesome. It's right for me. And I'm doing exactly what I need to, to be okay.
So tonight, I'm roasting chicken with broccolini, goat cheese and...sweet potato mash! :)
**and I plan to stay awake to enjoy it!**
Monday, September 30, 2013
At any moment - 4 days left
Update:
My slow growing Hcg that once showed a single little sac in my uterus, is now showing 2 little sacs with yolks in my uterus. I will return this week to see if those sacs grow fetal poles. If no, I am told the familiar, "you should miscarry on my own, at any moment". If one, or both do show poles, what then? My RE says this pregnancy is doomed. He must think I am nuts for continuing this waiting game week after week. This is a horrible existence. I spent the morning with my mom, most girls would be delighted to have their mom around at a time like this, to share all the excitement, ask for advice and get giddy with. But me? In my life, it's a stupid play to share anything this important. Why? because life just doesn't work out for me. Of course, I didn't share with her what is going on. At this point, why should I? All of this is doomed.
I heard a dude over the weekend tell the grocery store that his wife's pregnancy and birthing was 'so easy' that she was back to ironing his shirts after giving birth for three hours earlier in the day. It's talk like this that makes me so angry.
Why can't I just let this roll off my back?
Because it is hurtful. And everything these days, feels hurtful.
My body hurts, knowing that I am supposed to miscarry "at any moment".
My mind hurts, knowing that I am supposed to miscarry "at any moment".
My mind hurts, knowing I may have to decide HOW I will miscarry "at any moment".
My soul hurt, because things like this, just shouldn't happen. To anyone.
4 days left ...
My slow growing Hcg that once showed a single little sac in my uterus, is now showing 2 little sacs with yolks in my uterus. I will return this week to see if those sacs grow fetal poles. If no, I am told the familiar, "you should miscarry on my own, at any moment". If one, or both do show poles, what then? My RE says this pregnancy is doomed. He must think I am nuts for continuing this waiting game week after week. This is a horrible existence. I spent the morning with my mom, most girls would be delighted to have their mom around at a time like this, to share all the excitement, ask for advice and get giddy with. But me? In my life, it's a stupid play to share anything this important. Why? because life just doesn't work out for me. Of course, I didn't share with her what is going on. At this point, why should I? All of this is doomed.
I heard a dude over the weekend tell the grocery store that his wife's pregnancy and birthing was 'so easy' that she was back to ironing his shirts after giving birth for three hours earlier in the day. It's talk like this that makes me so angry.
Why can't I just let this roll off my back?
Because it is hurtful. And everything these days, feels hurtful.
My body hurts, knowing that I am supposed to miscarry "at any moment".
My mind hurts, knowing that I am supposed to miscarry "at any moment".
My mind hurts, knowing I may have to decide HOW I will miscarry "at any moment".
My soul hurt, because things like this, just shouldn't happen. To anyone.
4 days left ...
Monday, September 23, 2013
What do you ask for, when you are in need?
I only have a minute and wanted to ask a question --
When you are in need of support during a crisis in your life, do you ask your circle of support for help?
If you do, what do you ask for?
I know I have a few people IRL and online who have offered their hand of support, and have asked me to let them know if there's anything I need, so they can provide the support I want. I just don't know what one asks for at a time like this?
I'm curious what you all think? I'm interested in some suggestions.
When you are in need of support during a crisis in your life, do you ask your circle of support for help?
If you do, what do you ask for?
I know I have a few people IRL and online who have offered their hand of support, and have asked me to let them know if there's anything I need, so they can provide the support I want. I just don't know what one asks for at a time like this?
I'm curious what you all think? I'm interested in some suggestions.
Monday, September 16, 2013
Genderless Human
Some days I just want to hug my mom and ask her to fix me.
Today is one of those days.
It's been a really difficult year, hell few years. Sure, I've accomplished some nice things and I am married to the greatest guy on earth. But we have been struggling with this very simple act that so many people animals do without a thought. It is SO difficult to live this life.
I could call my self on the edge - on the end of just letting it all go because as I am screaming on the inside: I am invited to friends celebrating their kids birthdays, to family member parties, to give up my seat/parking/space in line for the pregnant mother, to smile and not comment when someone assumes I'm just 'too old' and probably don't care to have a family of my own. Or, perhaps worse, those friends who know what I'm going through, but don't ask how I'm doing. Or those that do who ask, but don't realize that their families are really difficult for me to be around.
I am not saying I want to hurt myself, but I often find that I wouldn't mind if I never woke up. When I'm awake I feel like I live in a constant nightmare. Of silence. Hubs feels the same way. Only he has his own night/day terrors that he is dealing with. None of this is fair and I'm insane for constantly looking for a 'reason', a 'way to fix myself', a way to 'accept' my stupid fucking life.
Every part of my life is affected by this. I don't think it will ever stop. I expect to always feel like less of a person because I am infertile. I will always be treated like I'm less too. Those who know, pity me for this sadness that is constant. Those who don't know, don't realize how their attitudes toward, IVF, adoption, later age pregnancy affects me.
And what do I do in turn? Will I raise my voice to put an end to their arrogance and ignorance? No. Why? Because they will always win. They have already won. I will never be accepted by the community. I'll always have to seek out the other 'older moms'. IF we every get a pregnancy that sticks.
I recently wrote how angry I am. How I want to hurt other people - I still want to do that.
Learning about others who have infertility really doesn't make me feel better, it just makes me more angry. I feel for them, but I also get angry that they may be getting support from others because they opened up and shared what they are going through. And I'm to embarrassed to open up to some of the people I'd like to because I'm sure they will disappoint me with their idea of 'support'.
Oh god, if you really exist, why the hell are you testing us like this? Hubs and I have had soo much shit in our lives before we even found out that I'm a broken shell of a genderless human.
Isn't there anyone outside myself who can help me find peace among this hell?
I've been enjoying being optimistic these last week, choosing to smile because I wanted to experience what most women do when they find out that they are pregnant. But from the start my doctors told me not to celebrate. That I have no right to a healthy, natural pregnancy. How many of you had that response from your doctors? I'll bet not many. And I'd like to tell you that you never knew how lucky you were. That you were given a carte blanche to just enjoy that you saw a + on your home pregnancy test. You never wondered what it was like to be told from the get go that your body is going to betray you. That your cells aren't good enough to add to the gene pool. That you, stop at you. Sure you can add to some epigenetics of another woman's cells, but you will never experience the joy of passing yourself on in the universe. And some will tell you 'that is meant to be'.
That I think, is the hardest part of all of this.
Today is one of those days.
It's been a really difficult year, hell few years. Sure, I've accomplished some nice things and I am married to the greatest guy on earth. But we have been struggling with this very simple act that so many people animals do without a thought. It is SO difficult to live this life.
I could call my self on the edge - on the end of just letting it all go because as I am screaming on the inside: I am invited to friends celebrating their kids birthdays, to family member parties, to give up my seat/parking/space in line for the pregnant mother, to smile and not comment when someone assumes I'm just 'too old' and probably don't care to have a family of my own. Or, perhaps worse, those friends who know what I'm going through, but don't ask how I'm doing. Or those that do who ask, but don't realize that their families are really difficult for me to be around.
I am not saying I want to hurt myself, but I often find that I wouldn't mind if I never woke up. When I'm awake I feel like I live in a constant nightmare. Of silence. Hubs feels the same way. Only he has his own night/day terrors that he is dealing with. None of this is fair and I'm insane for constantly looking for a 'reason', a 'way to fix myself', a way to 'accept' my stupid fucking life.
Every part of my life is affected by this. I don't think it will ever stop. I expect to always feel like less of a person because I am infertile. I will always be treated like I'm less too. Those who know, pity me for this sadness that is constant. Those who don't know, don't realize how their attitudes toward, IVF, adoption, later age pregnancy affects me.
And what do I do in turn? Will I raise my voice to put an end to their arrogance and ignorance? No. Why? Because they will always win. They have already won. I will never be accepted by the community. I'll always have to seek out the other 'older moms'. IF we every get a pregnancy that sticks.
I recently wrote how angry I am. How I want to hurt other people - I still want to do that.
Learning about others who have infertility really doesn't make me feel better, it just makes me more angry. I feel for them, but I also get angry that they may be getting support from others because they opened up and shared what they are going through. And I'm to embarrassed to open up to some of the people I'd like to because I'm sure they will disappoint me with their idea of 'support'.
Oh god, if you really exist, why the hell are you testing us like this? Hubs and I have had soo much shit in our lives before we even found out that I'm a broken shell of a genderless human.
Isn't there anyone outside myself who can help me find peace among this hell?
I've been enjoying being optimistic these last week, choosing to smile because I wanted to experience what most women do when they find out that they are pregnant. But from the start my doctors told me not to celebrate. That I have no right to a healthy, natural pregnancy. How many of you had that response from your doctors? I'll bet not many. And I'd like to tell you that you never knew how lucky you were. That you were given a carte blanche to just enjoy that you saw a + on your home pregnancy test. You never wondered what it was like to be told from the get go that your body is going to betray you. That your cells aren't good enough to add to the gene pool. That you, stop at you. Sure you can add to some epigenetics of another woman's cells, but you will never experience the joy of passing yourself on in the universe. And some will tell you 'that is meant to be'.
That I think, is the hardest part of all of this.
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