New Year, New Beginnings! New waiting cycles.

There are many difficult things to deal with when you have IF.  One of the most frustrating, are the waiting games.  When will my cycle start, will they find cysts? Will my E2 be at the right level? Will my lining measure up? Did an embryo implant? Is my beta doubling?  And on, and on.

So right now, I am in a one week waiting cycle to find out if I am ready for the 5 day waiting cycle to have my FET, so I can begin a two week wait to see if our little embryo has implanted.  Then begins a cycle of 3 day waiting periods where I will have my beta checked again and again with the hopes the HcG numbers continue to rise.  If I pass all those waiting games, then it wait for 10 weeks to end and with it my PIO shots, then another two weeks before we will be able to share our news with the chosen few!  After that, I hear some women actually go on to have about 28 more weeks of waiting until their baby is born!!!  Am I getting ahead of myself, perhaps.  But after all these years of waiting, this may be the closet shot I have to ever experiencing a healthy pregnancy, so I think I have earned the right to be ahead of myself a bit. :)

As you can see the waiting cycles are endless and will make the most zen Buddha anxious! 

But here I am, we are, at the edge of our  real life sci-fi adventure to create our beautiful family.  I've got my fingers and toes crossed that we will make it happen this month.   I do have some doubts, but for now, I am choosing to be optimistic and inspired by all we have done to get to this point,  we have done the homework, the heavy lifting, paid the enormous fees, developed the emotional balance to come to terms with all that we have lost, and we see all that we may gain.  

We enter these weeks with hope.  Ready to accept whatever comes of all we have out on the line.  We are as ready as we will ever be!

Embracing a New day and a New Year!!

Yesterday, Today, and Tomorrow

Wow! Where to begin...?

Huge next step just happened.

I've been licking my wounds from our losses. Then we lost or beloved fur-baby just after Thanksgiving. Hubs and I grieved, wailed for days. She was our everything for 10 whole years and she had a full 16 and a half years of a beautiful life.

This week - we began creating new life...

Yesterday:
22 eggs were retrieved
18 were mature
18 fertilized!!!

Today:
Now we wait as our 'Posse' (possibilities) chill out on their incubation-vacation.  Sunday, the lab-gods will take a peek and if we are lucky we will have a good number of embies to freeze for our FET in January.
My nurse said we should expect to lose about half of these as they grow and double to 100 cell blasts. Please keep us in your thoughts and fingers crossed that we get a great crew as we head toward the next step in this crazy, out of this world, sci-fi process. :)

Tomorrow:
I get to share my woo-hoo again to make sure I am no longer hiding 'pregnancy matter' in there.  I think I'm going to pass that test, but we'll see. Those two little twins really wanted to hang on. (and to be honest, I was totally rooting for them)

Been a while...

Hi.
It's been a while since I've had the guts to blog.
Since last time, I lost our beautiful twins.
There isn't much more to say than that is the most horrific experience of all this IF.
There are no words of support for myself or my hubs.
We have been trying to put our pieces back together.
It's not easy.
We are going to go away for a spell.
To try and learn how to celebrate something again.
We are both, forever changed.
We are at the end of our rope.
We are trying our best to be the best for each other.
When we fail at this, our worlds come tumbling down, again.
It stinks.
We are looking for moments to laugh.
Moments to reflect that life has taken a break from shitting on us.
We are tired of being down.
We are tired of being.
Focusing on the moments - is that all there is?
Why don't we get to focus on the big picture, like so many others?
Why don't we get a break?
We have a 'plan'.
We hope it will work.
It's not ideal.
But it's what we have to work with.
Wishing all of you a love filled Thanksgiving.
Please be good to your selves.

Promise for the future

Promise me, if I ever get and hold a pregnancy, to never, ever, EVER let me buy Luvs!?!

The 'second baby' campaign stings me every time. I realize I'm sensitive because of what I'm going through.

Hell, I just hate everyone and everything right now. Just all out mad.

Even so, because of this series of commercials in 2013, I don't ever want to support that company. Ever.

that. it. all.

A day to remember

I needed a day.

Yesterday's US showed such little growth.
My little guys are not coming as soon as I hoped for.

Yes, I'm sad about it. But I also know that I have done EVERYTHING possible to keep these little guys comfy and given them time to grow.  It just wasn't enough to change the situation.  I am not looking forward to the day they pass from me.  I am grateful that I had the opportunity to carry them for this brief time. I will forever remember them and this experience.

And I also know I will need to move on. I must believe that there will be a time when a new little one will be growing inside and with luck, they'll continue to grow strong and healthy and will make it through to spend a lifetime in my arms and receive my unconditional love.

Yes, today is still difficult. Losing a pregnancy sucks. Losing twins is cruel. I'm not the first, nor will I be the last mom-to-be who will have to travel this road. 

I'm forever grateful I kept this secret from most of those in my real life.

Sweet Potato Smile

Well, tomorrow will be a pretty interesting day.
I may be putting too much stress on the outcome of this next US.  But this is the one that I hope will give us some answers around whether my two little beanies want to grow or want to go. 

I'm not prepared for whatever will happen. I realized this as I freaked out for most of yesterday.  But I know that no matter what happens, I will get through it. And that feels good.

I won't lie to you, I fell apart yesterday. It was a tough day for me to focus, on anything.  I fought those stupid tears that inevitably come with IF. Those horrible feelings that I am not good enough. Not good enough for this or for that. Not good enough to be a mom.  As the day passed, my heart speeding along, my hands trembling while I speed-typed replies to my online support group, sucking up tears and snot - I baked a sweet potato.   I have avoided these for months, but decided not to avoid them any longer over the weekend.  I set a pretty table, sat alone with my perfectly baked potato, goat cheese and steamed kale and took a bit, then promptly fell flat asleep, mid bite!

a cuter version of me falling asleep in my grub!

Hubs came home from and lifted me off my potato.  He removed the crumbs that had caked around my mouth and forehead and led me to bed.  I must have looked frightening: mascara smeared, remnants of the meaty neon potato shimmering across my chin. But I was asleep, so it didn't scare me.  I was cashed out!  I woke at about 5:45am this morning. This could have been about 10 hours of sleep. I haven't slept that long, since, I can't remember when?

What it has done is help me refuel my energy.  I am going through a lot. As much as I didn't believe it yesterday, I know today, that I am capable of amazing things. Everything I have done and continue to do to get through this nasty time of life, is awesome. It's right for me. And I'm doing exactly what I need to, to be okay.

So tonight, I'm roasting chicken with broccolini, goat cheese and...sweet potato mash! :) 
**and I plan to stay awake to enjoy it!**

At any moment - 4 days left

Update:
My slow growing Hcg that once showed a single little sac in my uterus, is now showing 2 little sacs with yolks in my uterus. I will return this week to see if those sacs grow fetal poles. If no, I am told the familiar, "you should miscarry on my own, at any moment". If one, or both do show poles, what then?  My RE says this pregnancy is doomed. He must think I am nuts for continuing this waiting game week after week.  This is a horrible existence.   I spent the morning with my mom, most girls would be delighted to have their mom around at a time like this, to share all the excitement, ask for advice and get giddy with.  But me? In my life, it's a stupid play to share anything this important. Why? because life just doesn't work out for me.  Of course, I didn't share with her what is going on. At this point, why should I? All of this is doomed.

I heard a dude over the weekend tell the grocery store that his wife's pregnancy and birthing was 'so easy' that she was back to ironing his shirts after giving birth for three hours earlier in the day. It's talk like this that makes me so angry.

Why can't I just let this roll off my back?

Because it is hurtful. And everything these days, feels hurtful.

My body hurts, knowing that I am supposed to miscarry "at any moment".

My mind hurts, knowing that I am supposed to miscarry "at any moment".

My mind hurts, knowing I may have to decide HOW I will miscarry "at any moment".

My soul hurt, because things like this, just shouldn't happen. To anyone.


4 days left ...