New day, new feelings.
I am still reeling from the last few days. It's never easy to be filled with excitement and then have it all taken away and have to continue with life as usual, when you know something inside is dying.
But I guess that happens to all of us in our own ways.
I have been given some great advice lately. Some have suggested I close the doors to these hurtful people. I will try this with some of the people on my list. I also feel like I need to be direct with others. Not because I think they'll understand, but because I think it will help me heal.
Until then, I will make a promise to be kind to myself. Especially as this life slips away.
I am doing all I can to be a good citizen of the world. Pain is just part of the process.
Leave only footprints.
Monday, September 9, 2013
Sunday, September 8, 2013
Never gonna...
I am really, really
angry. Even though I knew this was possible, I just can't fathom why the
universe has put us through this? I mean, we were all set to start this thing
with the donor, which we will still have to go through. We saved the money, to
do what most people do for free. Then, we were given a moment to think about
what could have been, what it could have been like to have my own genetic child,
and it's all been torn away, again. After I had come to terms with losing my
genetic connection, the universe busted in and slapped me in the face. That's
what it feels like. That's what it is. I am so sad. Fuck!
I will get over this. I
just really wish that I could take it out on other people. Like my stupid
fucking sister in law and my brother. Who came out to visit, as I was going
through a failed IUI cycle and they got pissed off at me for not wanting to hang
out with them and their infant. Instead, my brother, who I used to be close
with, has said he's pissed at the way I acted. I want to slap HIM and HER in
the face and tell them I'll never speak to them again. That they are complete
assholes for fucking and getting pregnant so easily, then turning against me
when I reached out to them for support.
I want to tell my old best friend that she's a fucking
whore, for not being here for me. For being so fucking busy with her own life
and kids and thinking her 'friend' (whom she has never spoken with but had a
donor egg and donor sperm baby) was insane for wanting to have a child with
those circumstances.
I want to tell my fucking sisters who have fucked up most of
their kids that they are bullies and beasts for treating me like a runt all my
life. And for being right about it.
I want to kick my dad in
the balls for being a dick and instilling in me that I'm mostly worthless, only
my cash support is appreciated, because only a few of his other kids have been
as generous with money as I.
I want to cry to my mom and tell her everything that is going on. I want to ask her to fix me and fix the situation but not get tied up in my drama, and tell me that god will take care of it.
I want to cry to my sister in law and brother who have been supportive and tell them what they offer is not enough. That I need more. I don't know exactly how or what, but I need more love pouring in to my crappy life. That drinking wine together is nice, but it makes me wonder if that's why I kill all my embryos.
I want to punch my ovaries in their ass for having aged so progressively.
I want to tell my doctors from the time I was 17 that they killed my chances of becoming pregnant because they suggested I go on birth control.
I want to strangle my guts for not digesting dairy and stop my younger self from adding so many soy products to my diet for decades.
I want to bang my head against a wall to stop this desire to be a mom.
I want to cry in my hubs arms and make everything better.
Wednesday, August 21, 2013
Vent for 2013
What's it like to live a normal life?
To plan a personal project and have it work close to you timeline?
To wake up and be surprised by the success you've gained in a day, a week a months worth of work, money, energy and emotion?
Some days it just feels like there's nothing left to give. And there isn't.
Then, I look into hubs eyes and he says, "We can do this, trust me."
Well, I do trust him, but even so, living the lies around those who are supposed to be friends and family has tired me. I almost want to shout from the rooftop that I am done. I am damaged. I am a warrior. But none of that is really true.
Some say life changes completely when you have a family, that you just don't understand how important or how much love you can express until you 'have experienced giving life'. I'd like to tell those people to try living with infertility for 4+ years. To be told that at your age now, you may just be too old to start a family. To not be able to respond that you've been trying for years, back when they were having their first child, and it didn't work. At that time it was too painful to admit my failure, to ask for help, to be brave enough to ask for medical assistance. I'd like them to walk a mile in my shoes and understand something they will never understand unless they lived through it, (sic)that living with the death and despair of infertility/miscarriage/aging/loss is a whole lot more difficult and a larger change in ones life, than simply 'making a life'.
I am bitter today. I need to let some of this go - I'm not sure I ever will.
I am not grateful for anything right now. Just tired. Just sad, worn and weary. But I won't let it show on the outside. I play the game. Those without my troubles don't have the time to be compassionate about mine, most are too wrapped up in their own success that they don't want my failure to touch their lives. They say, "you focus too much on this, you need to relax, think about something else." And so I don't want their support. If they want me to sweep my current crisis under the rug, they can try not talking about their children, their spouse, their jobs, to see what it is like to have to hide something so important. So today, I would like to scream to the world, asking for a fucking break.
Don't pity me, I don't. I am forced to move forward, to wake up each day, to pretend my chronic status of a life falling to pieces is not happening. Because no one wants to deal with someone who lives this way for 4+ years. No one can understand. I don't want to deal with me.
Maybe tomorrow I'll write something upbeat. For my self.
To plan a personal project and have it work close to you timeline?
To wake up and be surprised by the success you've gained in a day, a week a months worth of work, money, energy and emotion?
Some days it just feels like there's nothing left to give. And there isn't.
Then, I look into hubs eyes and he says, "We can do this, trust me."
Well, I do trust him, but even so, living the lies around those who are supposed to be friends and family has tired me. I almost want to shout from the rooftop that I am done. I am damaged. I am a warrior. But none of that is really true.
Some say life changes completely when you have a family, that you just don't understand how important or how much love you can express until you 'have experienced giving life'. I'd like to tell those people to try living with infertility for 4+ years. To be told that at your age now, you may just be too old to start a family. To not be able to respond that you've been trying for years, back when they were having their first child, and it didn't work. At that time it was too painful to admit my failure, to ask for help, to be brave enough to ask for medical assistance. I'd like them to walk a mile in my shoes and understand something they will never understand unless they lived through it, (sic)that living with the death and despair of infertility/miscarriage/aging/loss is a whole lot more difficult and a larger change in ones life, than simply 'making a life'.
I am bitter today. I need to let some of this go - I'm not sure I ever will.
I am not grateful for anything right now. Just tired. Just sad, worn and weary. But I won't let it show on the outside. I play the game. Those without my troubles don't have the time to be compassionate about mine, most are too wrapped up in their own success that they don't want my failure to touch their lives. They say, "you focus too much on this, you need to relax, think about something else." And so I don't want their support. If they want me to sweep my current crisis under the rug, they can try not talking about their children, their spouse, their jobs, to see what it is like to have to hide something so important. So today, I would like to scream to the world, asking for a fucking break.
Don't pity me, I don't. I am forced to move forward, to wake up each day, to pretend my chronic status of a life falling to pieces is not happening. Because no one wants to deal with someone who lives this way for 4+ years. No one can understand. I don't want to deal with me.
Maybe tomorrow I'll write something upbeat. For my self.
Wednesday, August 14, 2013
When do things get...'better'?
Just when I feel like my life might have an upturn around the corner, everything falls apart.
I'm sick of living in this haze of sensitivity. Not just my own sensitivity, but that of others.
I know I'm supposed to be learning how to do what I want, even if others get upset. But I'm in a stage where I need the support of others but so far, everywhere I turn tends to be selfish people, who are looking out for themselves and don't notice that I'm drowning. Fair enough, I just wish I knew how to be one of those people.
Except my hubs. He has been so open, evolving and caring for me. I hate when I am a part of something that makes him upset. He is upset. He needs a vacation. I have tried for weeks to create a vacation plan for us. Now, we are hours away from our 'get away' and we are conflicted by the reality that we have very limited time to 'get away' from the stink that is our day to lives, only to choose to ask a family member if we can stay with them. And now, we don't want to do that because it feels so much like the rest of our days. We don't even know how we will find time to be just the two of us, with the rest of this family around. We love them. We want to share time with them. But I don't want to circulate my entire vacation around their needs. I feel like right now, I need to focus on my own needs.
But I don't know what they are; except to get away from my current life. For a good long while.
The stress of IF is everywhere. It's not seen or understood by others. That may be what makes it even worse. And the idea of trying something that just might work, makes every moment leading up to that realization a bit of torture.
So that's where I am today, feeling tortured. Flooded by family. Flooded by work. Flooded by life.
I'm sick of living in this haze of sensitivity. Not just my own sensitivity, but that of others.
I know I'm supposed to be learning how to do what I want, even if others get upset. But I'm in a stage where I need the support of others but so far, everywhere I turn tends to be selfish people, who are looking out for themselves and don't notice that I'm drowning. Fair enough, I just wish I knew how to be one of those people.
Except my hubs. He has been so open, evolving and caring for me. I hate when I am a part of something that makes him upset. He is upset. He needs a vacation. I have tried for weeks to create a vacation plan for us. Now, we are hours away from our 'get away' and we are conflicted by the reality that we have very limited time to 'get away' from the stink that is our day to lives, only to choose to ask a family member if we can stay with them. And now, we don't want to do that because it feels so much like the rest of our days. We don't even know how we will find time to be just the two of us, with the rest of this family around. We love them. We want to share time with them. But I don't want to circulate my entire vacation around their needs. I feel like right now, I need to focus on my own needs.
But I don't know what they are; except to get away from my current life. For a good long while.
The stress of IF is everywhere. It's not seen or understood by others. That may be what makes it even worse. And the idea of trying something that just might work, makes every moment leading up to that realization a bit of torture.
So that's where I am today, feeling tortured. Flooded by family. Flooded by work. Flooded by life.
Friday, July 19, 2013
Useful Links to learn how to be supportive
Wow, just read a post from my support board - it included these links.
I wish I had the guts to send these links to the people in my life I have told about our infertility.
I wish I had the guts to send these links to the people in my life I have told about our infertility.
Thursday, July 18, 2013
Best Roomates Ever
Time is ticking.
Family is in town.
I don't want to see them.
I spoke with my confidant yesterday, I have decided it's not my problems that make me not want to be near them. It's them. They have proven to be a bunch of bullies. They 'say' they think each other would be supportive, but they can't. They are flawed. It's not part of who they have chosen to be.
It must be difficult to have a life where you cannot empathize with the pain of others. Or simple?
I have two very wonderful friends who mean more to me than any fear that I have come across in my life so far. I can turn to either of these people at any point in my happiness or sadness. And they allow me.
They support my journey. They ask for nothing but honesty. And for some reason, they are really the only two people I have ever been able to be completely honest with. I am so grateful for them.
I am additionally grateful that I had the excellent experience of living with both these people during some pretty crazy times in my life. I adore you two more than anything. THANK YOU!
Family is in town.
I don't want to see them.
I spoke with my confidant yesterday, I have decided it's not my problems that make me not want to be near them. It's them. They have proven to be a bunch of bullies. They 'say' they think each other would be supportive, but they can't. They are flawed. It's not part of who they have chosen to be.
It must be difficult to have a life where you cannot empathize with the pain of others. Or simple?
I have two very wonderful friends who mean more to me than any fear that I have come across in my life so far. I can turn to either of these people at any point in my happiness or sadness. And they allow me.
They support my journey. They ask for nothing but honesty. And for some reason, they are really the only two people I have ever been able to be completely honest with. I am so grateful for them.
I am additionally grateful that I had the excellent experience of living with both these people during some pretty crazy times in my life. I adore you two more than anything. THANK YOU!
Sunday, June 16, 2013
Pulled apart
Meeting with RE tomorrow, I guess it really is time to pull out the big bucks and pick a donor.
Mostly upset at myself for again, being hopeful and imagining I would be able to tell hubs on father's day..and celebrate on my bday is next weekend. Nothing is ok with IF. Rips too much of my heart on a monthly basis. My approach now is to look for the woman that will give us a gift of life, chance to be parents. I Do hope she is out there and we can find her, fast. Years of this heartache and monies spent. I don't know what else we can do?
I feel like we are forever going to be taken advantage of. That every dollar, every promotion, every cent we make is predestined for an REs vacation home. Am I too stupid to accept that the universe doesn't want me to do this? Why am I being tested this way? Why isn't there an answer for us? Why have my hubs and I always had to build everything from scratch? I don't want to see or do anything today. It's father's day and the man I love more than anyone and anything else, I had to tell, yet again, that he won't be a daddy. It's been years and so many assholes have become parents during this time.
Am I angry? You bet I am. Will I put up more cash for a chance to go through this heartache again. Most likely. Will that affect our house search? Yes. Is our life completely on hold until we can finance a pregnancy, and an apartment (since downpayment for a house will have to wait). Or should I just let go. Live a lonely childless life. Move far away from everyone here and start over as some one else?
Mostly upset at myself for again, being hopeful and imagining I would be able to tell hubs on father's day..and celebrate on my bday is next weekend. Nothing is ok with IF. Rips too much of my heart on a monthly basis. My approach now is to look for the woman that will give us a gift of life, chance to be parents. I Do hope she is out there and we can find her, fast. Years of this heartache and monies spent. I don't know what else we can do?
I feel like we are forever going to be taken advantage of. That every dollar, every promotion, every cent we make is predestined for an REs vacation home. Am I too stupid to accept that the universe doesn't want me to do this? Why am I being tested this way? Why isn't there an answer for us? Why have my hubs and I always had to build everything from scratch? I don't want to see or do anything today. It's father's day and the man I love more than anyone and anything else, I had to tell, yet again, that he won't be a daddy. It's been years and so many assholes have become parents during this time.
Am I angry? You bet I am. Will I put up more cash for a chance to go through this heartache again. Most likely. Will that affect our house search? Yes. Is our life completely on hold until we can finance a pregnancy, and an apartment (since downpayment for a house will have to wait). Or should I just let go. Live a lonely childless life. Move far away from everyone here and start over as some one else?
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