Looking forward to my suprise.

Today I find myself digging deep to find kindness and compassion for myself as others around me are announcing their happy pregnancies.  I head away for a few weeks to celebrate the wedding of a brother and his bride - and her pregnant belly.  I will return to thank my neighbors for watching my home and celebrate by giving them thanks and congratulations on their newly announced pregnancy.

I realize I need to take care of myself during these tough times.  But I have a hard time accepting why it is I am having these troubles, when so many others seem to start their families as a 'surprise'.

Hearing the sadness in my husband voice as he tries to console me and offers his apologies that yet another person announces their pregnancy and we are childless.  Trying for years, looking at a heap of cash that may or may not produce our greatest dream come true.  It is the sadness in his voice that touches me the most. We haven't given up. We are digging deep. We love each other more than ever.  Yet, we are sick of feeling forced into keeping our lives on hold until we reach some next phase in our lives. Will that next phase be with a childe(ren) or without? We don't feel we can 'treat' ourselves in reaching for some of our other goals in life: buying a new home,  moving to a new city, taking a sunny relaxing vacation.  Instead every dollar is attached to 'maybe baby'. The money we'd spend going out to dinner "should" be saved for that upcoming ultrasound. The money I'd spend on meeting friends for afternoon tea/lunch needs to be saved for that next round of medications/herbs/acupuncture... Even the savings we've created with the help of cutting off our cable TV, making bread at home, using a Soda Stream instead of buying his soda at the store.. and the list goes on.. all these cost cutting factors don't seem to be getting us closer to our family.  Only time will tell.   Only time and possibly some good luck will bring what we yearn for most.  What we always have on our minds. What we are meant to be.

little spark of optimism

I had a nice weekend. Saw some friends, played a little, worked on a boat. I have already dug deep for this IF journey. I'm having a spell of 'wanna give up'.  On everything. It's a terrible place to be. I just ordered a book on AMZ, maybe it will help me feel like fighting longer. Maybe it will give me more self confidence and strength to keep muddling through.  I don't know.

What I am aware of is the stabbing pain that I feel when I see families. The kick in the gut I feel when a friend innocently enough shares some small accomplishment of their child. The emptiness I feel when my 'child-free' friends ask me to plan a great vacation to Italy together next Spring.  No  one is overtly trying to hurt me or harm my feelings. Hell, I don't even obsess about this on a moment by moment basis. But it creeps up on me when I'm just 'living'. And all these little moments are adding up to one big heartbreak. One that I wish I could let go of. 

So what am I grateful for today?  I guess that would be amazon.com.  In my few moments of checking out some bloggers I follow, I came upon a post that recommended a book.  Because of that, my day has a little spark of optimism. And I'm going to hold onto it with all I've got left. Sometimes that's all we can do, right?

Another year of being Grateful

My birthday kicked the can the other day and I have to say, realizing that I've gone four years of wishing for 'baby' on my birthday cake with nothing to show for it is pretty sad.  Okay, yeah I'm sad. What else is new? I've been on this same f'ing journey and turning to blogging and posting on forums to give my self a chance to let out how much confusion and downright anger that I feel since beginning a journey to mommy-hood.

I even titled my blog something completely different so I wouldn't 'dwell' in the sadness that has become my mind since month after month of reliving a failure that I feel I have no control over - even though I imagine I am doing everything under the sun to prepare me to be ready to deliver my own son/daughter.   But I wait. And I wait. And I tell one friend a 'highlight' of what I've been going through since the last time we got together - you know, "So I'm still taking these herbs, and going to acupuncture weekly and keeping my diet in line with what the doctor has asked. I still use only organic soaps, only glass Tupperware and have air filters throughout the house. I still do fertility yoga, walk as much as I can. Meditate, rest, and have been getting a solid 5+ hours of sleep a night. More that I can ever remember getting as an adult. And yes, I had my hormones tested again and they are indeed getting to a more 'normal' range. And yes, my RE will not do procedures with my genetics unless my hormones are in a solid 'normal' range. And yes, I do still somehow keep my spirits up as much as possible. And yes, I'm still not pregnant."

So I focus on what I am grateful for: 

• My beautiful dog. she just turned 15! that's something to be grateful for.
• My adoring husband.  He has come a long way on this journey, and the hardships have really brought us closer.
• That I have a job. It's by far not my dream job, but it is, a job.
• That two of my brother's are understanding and compassionate about my situation.  This comes with some sadness, as telling them what I'm going through made more tears in their eyes than mine.
• That I have a strong and caring Acupuncturist/Chinese Herbalist who specializes in Fertility who believes that I will carry my own babies full term. I wish I could have such faith in my future.
• The fun ladies on Resolve, who keep me smiling and crying at all the right times. They reach out a helping hand to all of us who read & post.

 It's such a lonely road, this IF.  I find myself afraid to share too much with those that know, and afraid to share anything with those who don't.  It's like fighting a secret battle that affects everything I do in a day.  I'd like to grab a cocktail with friends after work. I'd like to continue training for marathons.  I'd like to go to Disneyland with my hubby, but all the kids there will remind me of what we lack. I'd like to feel comfortable with my family, but there are 20 nieces and nephews. I am the only sibling without kids. My sisters don't invite me and my husband to their joint family vacations. Because we don't have a 'family'.  They think I'm selfish, they think I choose this life.  They treat me different.  They will never know the truth, because they have been so hurtful.   They don't accept me or support me and that too makes me sad.

So I must look at my list above and remind myself why I started this blog. To be grateful. To recognize all that is in this life to celebrate.

for possibility of napping

I couldn't sleep last night. as in I have been awake since 12:30am this morning. I took a 1.5 hr nap on the couch before waking but never got back to sleep. I started work at 3:15am this morning. decided I was done at 3:45pm. now I'm trying to take a nap before yoga. wish me luck?

"your emergency is not my emergency"

"your emergency is not my emergency" I just read this quote on another blog I follow. it strikes me as very appropriate as a way to deal with disappointments in relationships. I often get frustrated with friends because they seem to include me when they are having problems in their lives. but when things go well, the calls and e-mails stop. I guess this is because I have always been super empathetic. I want to help those hurt. the challenge is, I usually don't reach out when I have problems. I don't want to bother anyone. so I don't say anything. my emergency may not be theirs, but I tend to make theirs my own. and this has already begun to change... what? is this something positive coming from my struggle with IF? ;) with my IF journey I first kept everything a secret. then months passed and I finally let the secret out to people I 'thought' would KNOW how to help me through. unfortunately, one of my friends, who I have known a long time, just kinda let me go. I reached out a few weeks later to see if we could get together and she never responded. I figure she would prefer to be my friend when the issues are only about her. so I have finally let go as well. a couple other friends have kept up with me in more positive ways, encouraging me to talk about how i feel and then just replying with acceptance on whatever is going on. this has proven a great way to keep my friendships alive. :) my emergency isn't theirs, but these women are taking a step with me. by allowing me to share my anxiety, fears and humor with this diagnosis and all the strange proceedures I've chosen to try. these women allow me to have my own emergency, but have let me know that they love and support my decisions. they remnd me there is no right or wrong, things just are and may be resolved in time, one way or the other. i am so lucky to have found soul sisters who are teaching me this very precious lesson. for those who may have friends going through IF, just listening and sharing a tea is often enough. we don't need advice unless specifically requested. these days I am still more selective with who I will share this journey with (in the real world) but the important lesson I've learned is that I can still share my journey with new people and don't have to hold any regrets.

time to play catch up

it's been a long time baby!! well, I've been very busy in my world of being grateful. however, over the last ten months I found out that all my efforts of trying to conceive a child with my dearest husband has been for naught. it's taken me a while to feel comfortable to post this here. I was diagnosed with diminished ovarian reserve (DOR). it sucks. it really sucks. this means my ovaries are about 10-15 years older than what is concidered "normal" for my age. I could go into the details of my sadness and denial and medical attempts to reverse this, but not now. for now i'm just going to put it out here, in the bloggisphere: I have to deal with infertility as my reality and it blows. will I find grace and gratitude in this journey? so far they have been elusive. my faith in the future has definitely wained. i've started with a new mental therapist to help me through this journey. my greatest gratitude has been a website for others like me. we write each other daily. we know each others medicine, routines, proceedure, and handles but not each others names or faces. we suffer together online, but alone in our homes. the few friends and family I've told thus far have been ok. most don't know how to listen. they think god will take care of it, or just need to relax, work less and then somehow ill get pregnant for free. it's nice that they get to live so ignorantly. I do wish that would come true for me. but it's more likely going to take a boatload of money and rounds of medications and possibly years for me to get what others seem to achieve "out back behind the middle school to get (me) pregnant". if only it could be that easy for me Tracy Jordan-30 Rock ;)

What can you do in 30 days?

It's great to try something new for 30 days ... At least that is what I began today. Knowing that I am about to embark on an experiment to do something - anything for 30 days. My first project is a simple one. Practice Spanish with Rosetta Stone for 1 hr each day.

I watched a snippet of this from a TED Talk - so now I'm giving it a try!

I began today and to be honest, I think it will be fun!

I'm already thinking of my next challenge - making a wish a day, complimenting a stranger each day, telling a truth about myself to someone new, lose 15 lbs? .. I don't know where this will take me, so I'll just start with the small and the known. One. Day. At. A. Time.

Wish me luck?