My needs vs. my wants

I can't believe it. my cycles are getting shorter. This is a cruel f'ing joke. I am reminded time and again that this isn't my fault. But how am I supposed to believe that when my body defies me each and every day?

On top of treatment I am spending a lot on trying to find mental peace with this disease. I'm not sure there is peace. I am not sure I can calm myself from this storm.  You don't know what it is like, you don't understand. And no, I don't want to hear how sorry you are or how you know this women who had a similar situation but she kept positive and that is why she got her family started more quickly than me.  Life sucks.

 I am being punished for something - perhaps for believing in morales that told me to be in love, married, financially and mentally prepared to bring a new life into this world.  I did just that, never cheated on my husband, he never did me. Never stole or cheated in our careers. I volunteered my time to help others. We both sought counseling via books and others to decrease the chaos of our upbringing and reach a place of stability and adulthood.  And so we began our turn to build a family. and now this. More than two years has gone by and I am only filled with more pain and anxiety that is likely messing up my cycle.  This isn't fair. This isn't right.  I don't want to associate with family or friends over the holidays. It is too painful.  They can't understand the dynamic of pain and anxiety we go through, daily.   I need a break.  I want a pregnancy.  I need to take care of my mental health.  I want to let go.  I need to be here for my husband.  I want us to steal away and never return to this life of suffering. I need to rest.  I have to live my life.

When...

• When do I get to post about something happy and exciting?
• When will I get to say, wow - what a great day today has been?
• When will I feel like I am awesome and finally have some positive mojo in my favor?
• How long will I have to keep "faking it until I make it" with the online friends who are now posting pictures of their second new babies?
• Will I ever tell any of my sisters how painful my life is because I don't have kids for their kids to play with?
• Will I ever feel comfortable with myself in a public place where kids are allowed?

I wish I could share my disease with everyone the way someone with Cancer, MS, or even a pregnancy gets to share it with the world around them. People often feel sympathy when they know someone is going through one of those experiences. But only a few people know what I'm going through and many of those that do know can only say, "oh it'll happen, just relax" like it's not a life altering diagnosis.  I likely won't die from my disease or give birth at the end of 9 months. I have a disease that no one wants to talk about. It makes people uncomfortable to discuss. Many respond as though it isn't a disease, like it's a temporary condition. Well, it's not. It is a disease and it will be a part of me for the rest of my life. I am now defined in part by this disease - just like a Cancer patient, a MS patient and those 9 months of a pregnancy not to mention the lifetime of parenthood afterward - only most of the people I know/meet for the rest of my life will never know how I struggle. This isn't a disease I can bring up as an example of how I overcame a personal challenge in a job interview, this isn't a disease that I can run a 5K to raise money for my own procedures. Hell, there's very few fundraisers that do much in helping to pay bills of those of us with IF. It's a disease that insurance companies call 'elective' to treat.

I can't imagine ever feeling okay about any of the above. 

I just switched doctors - the new doctor is hopeful that he may be able to help us get and stay pregnant, but like everyone else, he doesn't have a cure. I would like to say that I am hopeful. But who knows.  I am optimistic, maybe for my husband's sake.

I would like to have a normal day.

I am grateful that I have a blog to put my thoughts in the universe.

Suck it Modern Medicine

Suck on it. Suck. On. It.

I love that phrase. It expresses so well how I often feel about this health situation. It's a phrase I can use instead of saying, "I think you're a jerk and what you're saying hurts me." So "Suck on it."

I returned to the RE today for a baseline US. That came back with a new cyst on the left. Add that to the standing cyst on the right and the RE told me that she is not comfortable putting me on the meds for an IUI this cycle. But she said I could go through with a natural IUI. Then proceeded to tell us that my situation is so bad that she doesn't think I have a chance with IUI. Again she said only DE IVF is recommended if I want to carry through with a pregnancy. She said my ovarian reserve appears to be depleted.

Suck. On. It.

Somehow I am keeping this (apparently foolish) balloon of hope over my head. I may move on to DE at the end of the year, but I don't know if I'll ever move past my grief with this 'only' option.  I won't wallow in the sadness and fear and anger and confusion around this - that's been buzzing through my head for the last year.  Instead, I'm going to keep with the spirit of this blog and somehow find something in this mess to be grateful for....

modern medicine? more specifically.. the modern technologies that will allow donor egg pregnancy.

(I kinda also hate modern medicine because I really wish there was a way to reverse what I'm going through and find a way to uncover a few of my 'good eggs' so that I can conceive a child of my own.)

Maybe I should stop talking about this hypothetical baby as not 'mine', after all, there's a chance I will use DE and become pregnant and if I do, I hope I can share this blog with them and let them know how much her/his dad are going through to create them and add them to our family.  Maybe they will learn that when life throws you curve balls, it's possible to live through the anger, sadness and grief and can consider options you never thought you'd consider to achieve something great.

Or, maybe I'm getting ahead of myself.  I need to live each day at a time and keep hopeful that my future will match some of my dreams.

still waiting

Another cycle is about to start. I wish I felt something different.  what am I grateful for?  I  have a very supportive hubby who helps me through these tough times.  I hope we get to move past this phase soon!      

Any words of encouragement?

What am I grateful for today?

I am so grateful my husband is the most loving and kindest soul in the world.. and he's hella funny!!

 

 

This is an image text he sent me today while doing his part of the IUI business...

 

 

 Any words of encouragement?

 

 

All I could thing of to write back was... Katy Perry? :)

 

LOL!!!

 



Given the go ahead!

I've been given the go ahead for an IUI. Doc wants me to take another Follistem shot tonight and then the Ovidrel the day after. We are scheduled for IUI on Friday. Wish us luck!

Getting closer to the bull's eye?

Todays RE visit was a quick ultrasound to see if the meds I've asked my husband to stab into my stomach are making any new follicles that just might hold a precious egg inside. Well, only one folli showed up for picture day. And unfortunately, so did its big sister cyst.  So my next step is another stab of the needle, only in the arm this time and do a test of my estrodial levels. I'm hoping my numbers are high enough to do the IUI this week.

The RE I had today was clearly 7+ months pregnant. Maybe that will be a good sign and this could mean I'm getting closer to hitting the bull's eye.

Oh universe, we are so very ready and willing to carry our baby!

So what am I grateful for today? I'm forever grateful I continue to have curiousity. Just a few months ago my RE told us we should just move to DE, not something that we would like to do. We (hubby & I) believe my eggs are getting in better shape - all the herbs and supplements, acupuncture and chiropractic work...  I asked if we could try a natural IUI and if we could do a few rounds (if needed) to do everything possible before the last resort, DE. I also asked for a copy of all my medical records, in them I found that the RE is hoping that I will respond well to the series of medicated IUIs with the possibility of doing an IVF cycle with my own eggs. I am so glad I asked her about these options - in the least they keep me optimistic that our dream of our family may come true.