Any words of encouragement?

What am I grateful for today?

I am so grateful my husband is the most loving and kindest soul in the world.. and he's hella funny!!

 

 

This is an image text he sent me today while doing his part of the IUI business...

 

 

 Any words of encouragement?

 

 

All I could thing of to write back was... Katy Perry? :)

 

LOL!!!

 



Given the go ahead!

I've been given the go ahead for an IUI. Doc wants me to take another Follistem shot tonight and then the Ovidrel the day after. We are scheduled for IUI on Friday. Wish us luck!

Getting closer to the bull's eye?

Todays RE visit was a quick ultrasound to see if the meds I've asked my husband to stab into my stomach are making any new follicles that just might hold a precious egg inside. Well, only one folli showed up for picture day. And unfortunately, so did its big sister cyst.  So my next step is another stab of the needle, only in the arm this time and do a test of my estrodial levels. I'm hoping my numbers are high enough to do the IUI this week.

The RE I had today was clearly 7+ months pregnant. Maybe that will be a good sign and this could mean I'm getting closer to hitting the bull's eye.

Oh universe, we are so very ready and willing to carry our baby!

So what am I grateful for today? I'm forever grateful I continue to have curiousity. Just a few months ago my RE told us we should just move to DE, not something that we would like to do. We (hubby & I) believe my eggs are getting in better shape - all the herbs and supplements, acupuncture and chiropractic work...  I asked if we could try a natural IUI and if we could do a few rounds (if needed) to do everything possible before the last resort, DE. I also asked for a copy of all my medical records, in them I found that the RE is hoping that I will respond well to the series of medicated IUIs with the possibility of doing an IVF cycle with my own eggs. I am so glad I asked her about these options - in the least they keep me optimistic that our dream of our family may come true.

Gifts to the Universe

It's been nine months months apparently.  Only we went to visit you in late January and you had mentioned you weren't going to try for a second until you got back to work.  you didn't start work until March.  I just saw your announcement and offered you my congratulations. I don't have the same level of pain and sadness as I had when I first found out you were pregnant even while we dined together. I'd like to be fully happy for you. I really would. But I have to honor what I am going through. I have to honor the pain I feel when the third of my good friends has conceived and delivered their child over these years while I remain childless.  I only remain friends with one of these women, unfortunately it is not you. I really have tried to push my feelings aside, but imagine if you had to push your excitement about your newborn aside and couldn't share it with all your friends because the experience you had when you told them was an offering of distraction or they instead told you about someone they once heard about who had a dog, as of that were a fair comparison. I'm not angry at you, just the situation I am in.  I am finally being truly selfish, and honoring myself for being so. Maybe anger is no longer my emotion. maybe, I am just letting go.

I continue with the various treatments and have added a 5th doctor to my mix. I now pay more on "uncovered medical treatments" than three months of my private health insurance premium, each and every month.  Did it cost you your savings to have your child? Did it cost you your job, your emotional stability in your marriage, your ability to help your aging parents with their bills, your "nesting" fund, friendships with wonderful women who became pregnant and then left you just as they learned of the challenges because they feel too 'uncomfortable' to be pregnant around me - did you have to go through this when you just 'got'  pregnant?

I guess I say this because everyone has something in their life that is a major challenge. And some do not, because they have financial security and means to hire the best support system for their problems. Well, some of us work really hard to do the right things, to create a financial stability that they hope will give their own children the accumulative advantage that we didn't have growing up only to be slapped again in the face as though a big gate has locked us out of the 'family club'.

Since I cannot see the future, I can only hold on to the little hope I have and seek out teachers who will help direct me toward a life where I can truly discover who I am and what I have to offer the world. Maybe having and rising children in my own likeness isn't the best gift I can offer the universe? It's now up to me to find out what is.

I kinda wish I was more enthusiastic about this...

Looking forward to my suprise.

Today I find myself digging deep to find kindness and compassion for myself as others around me are announcing their happy pregnancies.  I head away for a few weeks to celebrate the wedding of a brother and his bride - and her pregnant belly.  I will return to thank my neighbors for watching my home and celebrate by giving them thanks and congratulations on their newly announced pregnancy.

I realize I need to take care of myself during these tough times.  But I have a hard time accepting why it is I am having these troubles, when so many others seem to start their families as a 'surprise'.

Hearing the sadness in my husband voice as he tries to console me and offers his apologies that yet another person announces their pregnancy and we are childless.  Trying for years, looking at a heap of cash that may or may not produce our greatest dream come true.  It is the sadness in his voice that touches me the most. We haven't given up. We are digging deep. We love each other more than ever.  Yet, we are sick of feeling forced into keeping our lives on hold until we reach some next phase in our lives. Will that next phase be with a childe(ren) or without? We don't feel we can 'treat' ourselves in reaching for some of our other goals in life: buying a new home,  moving to a new city, taking a sunny relaxing vacation.  Instead every dollar is attached to 'maybe baby'. The money we'd spend going out to dinner "should" be saved for that upcoming ultrasound. The money I'd spend on meeting friends for afternoon tea/lunch needs to be saved for that next round of medications/herbs/acupuncture... Even the savings we've created with the help of cutting off our cable TV, making bread at home, using a Soda Stream instead of buying his soda at the store.. and the list goes on.. all these cost cutting factors don't seem to be getting us closer to our family.  Only time will tell.   Only time and possibly some good luck will bring what we yearn for most.  What we always have on our minds. What we are meant to be.

little spark of optimism

I had a nice weekend. Saw some friends, played a little, worked on a boat. I have already dug deep for this IF journey. I'm having a spell of 'wanna give up'.  On everything. It's a terrible place to be. I just ordered a book on AMZ, maybe it will help me feel like fighting longer. Maybe it will give me more self confidence and strength to keep muddling through.  I don't know.

What I am aware of is the stabbing pain that I feel when I see families. The kick in the gut I feel when a friend innocently enough shares some small accomplishment of their child. The emptiness I feel when my 'child-free' friends ask me to plan a great vacation to Italy together next Spring.  No  one is overtly trying to hurt me or harm my feelings. Hell, I don't even obsess about this on a moment by moment basis. But it creeps up on me when I'm just 'living'. And all these little moments are adding up to one big heartbreak. One that I wish I could let go of. 

So what am I grateful for today?  I guess that would be amazon.com.  In my few moments of checking out some bloggers I follow, I came upon a post that recommended a book.  Because of that, my day has a little spark of optimism. And I'm going to hold onto it with all I've got left. Sometimes that's all we can do, right?

Another year of being Grateful

My birthday kicked the can the other day and I have to say, realizing that I've gone four years of wishing for 'baby' on my birthday cake with nothing to show for it is pretty sad.  Okay, yeah I'm sad. What else is new? I've been on this same f'ing journey and turning to blogging and posting on forums to give my self a chance to let out how much confusion and downright anger that I feel since beginning a journey to mommy-hood.

I even titled my blog something completely different so I wouldn't 'dwell' in the sadness that has become my mind since month after month of reliving a failure that I feel I have no control over - even though I imagine I am doing everything under the sun to prepare me to be ready to deliver my own son/daughter.   But I wait. And I wait. And I tell one friend a 'highlight' of what I've been going through since the last time we got together - you know, "So I'm still taking these herbs, and going to acupuncture weekly and keeping my diet in line with what the doctor has asked. I still use only organic soaps, only glass Tupperware and have air filters throughout the house. I still do fertility yoga, walk as much as I can. Meditate, rest, and have been getting a solid 5+ hours of sleep a night. More that I can ever remember getting as an adult. And yes, I had my hormones tested again and they are indeed getting to a more 'normal' range. And yes, my RE will not do procedures with my genetics unless my hormones are in a solid 'normal' range. And yes, I do still somehow keep my spirits up as much as possible. And yes, I'm still not pregnant."

So I focus on what I am grateful for: 

• My beautiful dog. she just turned 15! that's something to be grateful for.
• My adoring husband.  He has come a long way on this journey, and the hardships have really brought us closer.
• That I have a job. It's by far not my dream job, but it is, a job.
• That two of my brother's are understanding and compassionate about my situation.  This comes with some sadness, as telling them what I'm going through made more tears in their eyes than mine.
• That I have a strong and caring Acupuncturist/Chinese Herbalist who specializes in Fertility who believes that I will carry my own babies full term. I wish I could have such faith in my future.
• The fun ladies on Resolve, who keep me smiling and crying at all the right times. They reach out a helping hand to all of us who read & post.

 It's such a lonely road, this IF.  I find myself afraid to share too much with those that know, and afraid to share anything with those who don't.  It's like fighting a secret battle that affects everything I do in a day.  I'd like to grab a cocktail with friends after work. I'd like to continue training for marathons.  I'd like to go to Disneyland with my hubby, but all the kids there will remind me of what we lack. I'd like to feel comfortable with my family, but there are 20 nieces and nephews. I am the only sibling without kids. My sisters don't invite me and my husband to their joint family vacations. Because we don't have a 'family'.  They think I'm selfish, they think I choose this life.  They treat me different.  They will never know the truth, because they have been so hurtful.   They don't accept me or support me and that too makes me sad.

So I must look at my list above and remind myself why I started this blog. To be grateful. To recognize all that is in this life to celebrate.